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xmag.com : March 2002:I Love Slayer

Every year at Valentine's I spew the same melodramatic rhetoric: "my heart is broken blah-blah-blah greeting card holiday blah-blah mating for life is for lobsters bloody-blah-blah...." And every year I sport the red lingerie decorated with little velvet hearts and slink around to my favorite J. Geils Band hit "Love Stinks."

Well, this year it really stank. After approximately six break-ups with approximately three people, my heart was really broken and I wished I were a lobster. Surely you know how that feels....So when I saw that Slayer was playing in Eugene on VD, I knew what I was gonna do. I called my comely blonde friend who is in much the same situation and asked her along for the ride. We slid our tightest jeans over our shapely Scandinavian asses and steered the Volvo toward Eugene. I knew I was gonna fall in love that night, I just knew it.

Now, neither of us knew one friggin' thing about the band. Everything I knew about Slayer I'd learned from Beavis and Butt-head (this, it turns out, is all ya really need to know--see interview). Also I remember seeing some new-ska video with a stripper chick suckin' on a sucker and roller-skating a dog with an I * SLAYER T-shirt stretched over her gigantic tits.

And I wanted that T-shirt. But I never really wanted to hear Slayer. Not until they deigned to play on Valentine's Day....

And so we set our scene in fair Eugene. Blondie and I warmed up with some tequila shots at a local dive where we asked the barflies a few questions about Slayer and learned to say convincingly, "My favorite song of all-time is 'Angel of Death'" and "Your last record was totally awesome, and a stunning departure from the few before that. Can you elaborate?" Then we sashayed our way to the tour bus, where we were to meet Mary-Jo, the tour manager.

Much to our surprise, NO ONE seemed to believe we were there for an interview. The roadies ogled us hungrily and asked if we both had our tongues pierced. I guess heavily made-up blonde girls in leather and fur usually loiter outside tour buses for other reasons.

Luckily, Mary-Jo showed up in the nick of time to escort us backstage. She took us to a little room where our prey awaited us, bristling.

His name was Kerry or Perry and he DID NOT have long hair. Instead he had tattoos all over his head. (I theorized that Kerry or Perry, when starting to lose his hair, was fired from Slayer, the ultimate hair band. But he filed a discrimination lawsuit and won, under the stipulation that he get tattoos and do all the interviews FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.) Me 'n' Blondie cracked open a couple of Heinies and splayed across the couch, trying to put the poor guy at ease, but he just nervously sipped his spring water. I think we intimidated him.


VIVA: So, SLAYER, what is the sexiest song of all-time?

Slayer: [confusion] I guess I'm not really into sexy music....probably the Deftones, I don't what song it is. It's on Around the Fur, it's number ten ["MX"--Ed.], where some chick answers him....

VIVA: What about like Al Green?

Sayer: WHO? I never heard of him.

VIVA: Sexiest singer of all time?

Slayer: All-time? I don't know about all-time. But today I'll pick Shania Twain.

VIVA: Who?

Slayer: Shania Twain.

VIVA: Shania Twain? Really?

Slayer: Behind that fuckin' good-girl all-Canadian fuckin' moniker of hers is a fuckin' slut waiting to be born. I don't know who she's trying to kid goin' out with Mutt Lange. I mean, what is he, like 60 and fat? But rich?

VIVA: Do you frequent strip bars at all?

Slayer: I used to. I used to be a fuckin' titty bar magnet. But I haven't gone in a LONG time.

VIVA: Why? Do you have a Valentine now? Yeah? Where is she?

Slayer: LA. Shit, I just kinda got over it. I remember when I was 24 I used to go all the time. My first wife I met in a strip bar.

VIVA: Oh really? Was she dancing?

Slayer: Yep. I walked in and I said, "I'm takin' that one." And I did.

VIVA: Do you have puppies with this Valentine?

Slayer: Nope.

VIVA: Pets?

Slayer: Well, I used to breed snakes! I used to have like four hundred of them. But they were taking too much of my time. I wanted to put more time into this, so I sold them all.

VIVA: Sexiest city?

Slayer: Sydney. Cuz I like Australian accents.

VIVA: What's the sexiest thing you've ever seen onstage?

Slayer: Probably years ago, when we were in Canada and they had chicks in showers onstage. I'd never seen anything like that.

VIVA: Are the kids alright?

"I never really wanted to hear Slayer. Not until they deigned to play on Valentine's Day...."


Slayer: Depends on which kids you're talking about. Our kids are alright.

It seems like our fan base kind of recycled itself.

VIVA: I think Slayer could do that indefinitely. What's the trick?

Slayer: That is the trick: recycling your kids. Staying relevant to your original fans as well as new ones.

VIVA: Yeah, like what's up with your latest record? I mean, it kicks ass.

Slayer: Well yeah, it's supposed to! I think it deals with things that kids young and old can associate to [sic] and bridge the gap. I don't think we did that intentionally, it just came out that way.

VIVA: You got a favorite Stones album? You know, the Rolling Stones?

Slayer: Nope! [Pause.] I mean I have maybe a favorite Stones song.

VIVA: Oh yeah? What's that?

Slayer: "Sympathy for the Devil." "Paint it, Black" is pretty cool, too.

VIVA: What about Chrissie Hynde--ya heard of her?

Slayer: Nope!

VIVA: You know...stock question...

Slayer: Sexy or no? Nope!

VIVA: My brother says she's got a voice that can make a guy cum in ten seconds.

Slayer: I'm waiting! It's been about fifteen years now!

VIVA: Favorite movie of 2001?

Slayer: American Pie 2.

VIVA: Favorite war movie of all time?

Slayer: Horror?

VIVA: War.

Slayer: All time?

VIVA: Like, have you seen The Longest Day? Slayer: Nope. Probably the first Nightmare on Elm Street. That movie is fucked-up. Like the girl says, "Oh, God!" and Freddie stretches out his fingers and says, "This is God." And I'm like, "FUCK Yeah!!"

VIVA: Favorite guitar solo of all time?

Slayer: There are so many....I'd probably pick something off-the-wall like Glenn Tipton on "Beyond the Realms of Death." It's the first one, the lead-in song.

VIVA: Uh-huh. Sexiest guitar sound?

Slayer: Well, it'd have to be one of mine. Take your pick! I play V's and I play Warlocks. I'll have to go with the 666-V.

VIVA [after super-hot & married lead singer comes in looking for his green tea with mint]: Sexiest drink of all time?

Slayer: Rumpleminze.

VIVA: Most influential musician of the 20th century?

Slayer: Randy Rhoads or Eddie Van Halen.

VIVA: Do you have a favorite Bob Dylan song?

Slayer: Nope! I couldn't even name one if I had to.

VIVA: Would you rather go bow-hunting with Ted Nugent or drink 'til ya puke with Lemmy Kilmister?

Slayer: Well, since I've already drank with Lemmy, I'll pick goin out with Ted.

VIVA: Everybody says that! What color panties are you wearing and how long have you been wearing them?

Slayer: Did I change shorts today? [He checks.] Nope, I didn't. Grey. Two or three days.

VIVA: Grey. Two or three days. That's a wrap, baby!

Slayer: I almost changed today! I don't know why I didn't....


The lead singer poked his head in again to say he thought the sexiest song would be by Marvin Gaye, and Blondie and I decided we wanted him for dessert. But alack, his wife was around for the goddamned holiday. Fucking Valentine's Day!

We were guided to the front of the stage where we caught the last few chugs of HATEBREED and mixed with the crowd. I'd never seen so many white people in my life! Dudes outnumbered chicks about thirty to one. A pregnant girl had her belly autographed by the entire opening band: Satan's Hatchett or Festering Head Wound--I forget which.

Blondie spotted a guy with SLAYER slashed into his buzz cut. When I asked if I could photograph him, the extremely excitable chap dragged me through the sold-out crowd to meet his "hairdresser."

But in the end it was the ROCK that I fell in love with. I'm sure many of you sisters out there in the dressing rooms know that Slayer SLAYS. Well, here's one more convert. Even though I couldn't really tell one song from the next, there was a powerful erotic energy in the aggressive delivery and repetitive guitar, kinda like the Stooges on crank. Plus, the hair choreography was really outta sight, man. And I got a new verb outta the deal. Slay. Slayer. Slayest.

Later, on the car ride home, Blondie told me the tale of her first love, and it was the most heartbreakingly romantic story I'd ever heard. We decided that it's better to believe in love and get really fucking burned than it is to be cynical. Then we changed our minds again. I left her with her cat and her cookies and went home to tuck myself into bed.

And we all lived happily ever after.




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