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xmag.com : April 2002: Muscular Ass

"Stories of the Shadow Woman"
 
Dear Shadow Woman:
I'm a faithful reader of your Shadow Woman column.
--A fan of Shadow Woman
 
Iam the Shadow Woman. I lurk in graveyards and delicatessens. I rub the underbelly of the pro-sex literary hinterlands. I dance naked as a jaybird with Ganesha to that crazy swing beat. Sometimes, as a woman, I can sense the toes of a billion pixies doing the Harlem Shuffle on my clit.
I am an outspoken member of the poly, multi, poly-multi, and tutti-frutti communities. I dabble in rim-job academia. I'm schooled in BDSM, water sports, bloodletting, and Nintendo. I dream that one day, Portland [a k a The Town Which Shadow Woman Built] will be filled with sex-positive activists actively having positive sex.
As an American Sexual Being, I have opinions, and I don't care if you don't want to hear them--I'm going to corner you at a party and shout my opinions into your ear. I'm going to tell you things about myself that you really might not want to hear. Even if you act distracted or ask me politely not to go into further detail, I'll blab about my sexuality to anyone within earshot. I'll leave naked pictures of myself on your computer and then ask you what you thought of them.
I am frank, candid, honest, smart, resourceful, and modest. I am so filled with a sense of myself, I don't look where I'm going and often bump into things. It takes so much time for me to take personal inventory, I think I might have to hire an accountant. I am constantly redefining, redesigning, and resculpting myself. On Friday, I'm going to give my soul a high colonic.
I tattooed myself in defiance of the Reagan Administration. I pierced my
nostril to protest homophobia in bowling alleys. Such rites de passage are de rigeur in le monde of the Shadow Woman.
I want to smell other people's armpits, to bask in their ball sweat and vaginal cheese, to pick lint from their belly buttons and gently lick wax from their ears. I find myself ambling pell-mell down new spiritual paths. I feel vibrant. I feel naughty. I feel hungry, so I think I'm gonna drive to the 24-Hour Taco Bell.
I suffered worse than anyone else did in high school. Catholicism damaged me more than it did anyone else. A lot of people don't like me. And it has nothing to do with my personality.
My Cherished Custodian Polopony recently shelled out more than ten grand to a sex-positive alternative dentist in order to give me a shiny new pair of
surgical fangs. He also bought me a hot red vinyl corset from Lane Bryant.
I wish I had a string of Poloponies.
I suppose I should switch gears and talk about myself. My personal sexuality lifestyle column, "Stories of the Shadow Woman," is read weekly by over eight hundred and fifteen million visitors to shadowwoman.com. My other websites--moreaboutshadowwoman.com and the amazing floating webcam of Shadow Woman's bathroom, which I've called theamazingfloatingwebcamofshadowwomansbathroom.com--have received Golden Vulva awards from the Positive 'Bout Sex Foundation. Don't forget that I'll be speaking at foot-fetishists' convention "Toe Jam 2002" in Des Moines this summer. And in August, me and Brent Williams of T-Cell Times will be hosting a seminar on genital plaster-
casting and erotic foot rubs at the Castro Street YMCA. And soon on shadowwoman.com, I'll post pictures of my recent trip with Polopony to the mall to get photos developed of prior pictures I've posted to shadowwoman.com.

 

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