"Stories
of the Shadow Woman"
Dear
Shadow Woman:
I'm
a faithful reader of your Shadow Woman column.
--A
fan of Shadow Woman
Iam
the Shadow Woman. I lurk in graveyards and delicatessens.
I rub the underbelly of the pro-sex literary hinterlands.
I dance naked as a jaybird with Ganesha to that crazy
swing beat. Sometimes, as a woman, I can sense the toes
of a billion pixies doing the Harlem Shuffle on my clit.
I
am an outspoken member of the poly, multi, poly-multi,
and tutti-frutti communities. I dabble in rim-job academia.
I'm schooled in BDSM, water sports, bloodletting, and
Nintendo. I dream that one day, Portland [a k a The Town
Which Shadow Woman Built] will be filled with sex-positive
activists actively having positive sex.
As
an American Sexual Being, I have opinions, and I don't
care if you don't want to hear them--I'm going to corner
you at a party and shout my opinions into your ear. I'm
going to tell you things about myself that you really
might not want to hear. Even if you act distracted or
ask me politely not to go into further detail, I'll blab
about my sexuality to anyone within earshot. I'll leave
naked pictures of myself on your computer and then ask
you what you thought of them.
I
am frank, candid, honest, smart, resourceful, and modest.
I am so filled with a sense of myself, I don't look where
I'm going and often bump into things. It takes so much
time for me to take personal inventory, I think I might
have to hire an accountant. I am constantly redefining,
redesigning, and resculpting myself. On Friday, I'm going
to give my soul a high colonic.
I
tattooed myself in defiance of the Reagan Administration.
I pierced my
nostril to protest homophobia in bowling alleys. Such
rites de passage are de rigeur in le
monde of the Shadow Woman.
I
want to smell other people's armpits, to bask in their
ball sweat and vaginal cheese, to pick lint from their
belly buttons and gently lick wax from their ears. I find
myself ambling pell-mell down new spiritual paths. I feel
vibrant. I feel naughty. I feel hungry, so I think I'm
gonna drive to the 24-Hour Taco Bell.
I
suffered worse than anyone else did in high school. Catholicism
damaged me more than it did anyone else. A lot of people
don't like me. And it has nothing to do with my personality.
My
Cherished Custodian Polopony recently shelled out more
than ten grand to a sex-positive alternative dentist in
order to give me a shiny new pair of
surgical fangs. He also bought me a hot red vinyl corset
from Lane Bryant.
I wish I had a string of Poloponies.
I
suppose I should switch gears and talk about myself. My
personal sexuality lifestyle column, "Stories of the Shadow
Woman," is read weekly by over eight hundred and fifteen
million visitors to shadowwoman.com. My other websites--moreaboutshadowwoman.com
and the amazing floating webcam of Shadow Woman's bathroom,
which I've called theamazingfloatingwebcamofshadowwomansbathroom.com--have
received Golden Vulva awards from the Positive 'Bout Sex
Foundation. Don't forget that I'll be speaking at foot-fetishists'
convention "Toe Jam 2002" in Des Moines this summer. And
in August, me and Brent Williams of T-Cell Times
will be hosting a seminar on genital plaster-
casting and erotic foot rubs at the Castro Street YMCA.
And soon on shadowwoman.com, I'll post pictures of my
recent trip with Polopony to the mall to get photos developed
of prior pictures I've posted to shadowwoman.com.
