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xmag.com : April 2002: Ron Jeremy thinks he's cool

Some dude named RON JEREMY is coming to Dante's on Saturday, April 20th. He's doing some dorky-sounding thing called Ron Jeremy's S&M Sideshow there. Since Frank owns Dante's and also publishes Exotic, he wanted somebody to write something about this upcoming show, and that way he'd make a lot more money than normal, although from the looks of things, Frank ain't hurtin' for cash.

Not like I am.

My friends in the Portland porn industry know that Daddy Biscuits has fallen on hard times. Used to be that I was bringin' home a cool hundred dollars a night; nowadays, I'm lucky if I can find someone waiting at the Max station who'll let me blow 'em for five bucks.

Over at the Exotic office, Goad got tired of my five-dollar blow jobs and instead offered me $150 to interview this Ron Jeremy dude, who someone told me used to be in a lot of pornos or something. Goad said I should use the money to get a shower and some hot meals, even though they wouldn't let me use the shower in the back of the Exotic office.

They made me go see this movie about him, too. The movie was called Look at Me, Mr. Big Porn Star or something like that. Bybee had to cut me a check for six bucks just so I could get in the movie. The movie talks about different stuff, like how Ron Jeremy used to be a schoolteacher for a buncha tards...how he fell in love with a porn-star chick who turned into a Christian...and it also reveals his real Jew last name. The movie shows him doing this so-called "great" cunnilingus trick, but he's only doing the Pig in the Blanket, an old Midwestern trick popular among carnies. I was doing that trick as a kid, even back before I went to the youth home!

So anyway, they set up this phone interview with him where I have to show up at 7:30 in the morning at the Exotic office, because Ron Jeremy is in New Jersey at some hotel with some hot chick and he has to check out at 11AM East Coast time. So I get to the office, and Goad has been there all night, banging some chick in the back room on that maroon velvet couch. He's all pissed-off about something as usual. So he sets up the tape player and gives me the number.

But when we finally tried to play the tape, my voice came out clear, but you can't hear anything on Ron Jeremy's side. Not even like blah-blah-blah mumbly stuff--it's just blank. And it was too late to call him back, because he had already checked out of the hotel.

Goad got pissed at me and said I fucked up the tape player. He also accused me of stealing a bag of corn nuts from Frank's desk. He started acting like a total scrub, so I was just like, "Fuck you, dude!," and I went down to Dante's to get a free slice of pizza.


MY QUESTION: I'm a little chubby, I have a big dick, and I have a heart of gold. How do I get started in the business?

RON JEREMY'S ANSWER, WHICH YOU CAN'T HEAR ON THE TAPE: He said the best thing to do would be to get a girlfriend who'd want to have sex with me on-camera, and then go into the producer's office with the videotape ready. He says it's much easier to break into the business if you go as a dude-and-chick porno couple than if you just walk into the office looking to fuck some hot chicks and stuff.


Should I keep my glasses on during sex?

He said, yeah, and I said, "Obviously, you haven't seen these women," which I thought was a pretty funny comeback. He said then that if these chicks are so ugly, I should just close my eyes and pretend they're someone else, which is a really good idea that I'm going to try out next time I'm with a chick.


What does your wife think about all this?

"I've never married," he said, and I said, "Oh--no one told me." And it's like, if he gets so many chicks and none of them want to marry him, then what's wrong with the dude? It makes you wonder, you know? I've been homeless for eight years, and I get marriage proposals all the time, and some of these chicks are halfway decent-looking.


So how much Viagra does it take to get that thing of yours up these days?

He said he doesn't use it, and I said, "No, seriously," and he kinda laughed it off. But I figure he's swallowing the shit like they were M&Ms.


You mentioned that you wanted to be in a Spielberg film. How's this--something called Hedgehog's List, where you save Jew chicks from concentration camps and fuck 'em and stuff?

He laughed at this and said it was one of the funniest things he'd ever heard. He also said he wanted to do a movie called E.T.: The Extra Testicles.


You probably know a lot of chicks. Why don't you hook a bro up?

He laughed it off. Looks like he's not kickin' down any scraps.


Would the fact that I'm not a Jew like you hurt my chances in the porno industry?

He said people of all creeds and religions can be in porno, like it's the Rainbow Industry or something. He acted like the industry welcomes all and is truly like the global tribe and shit, like porno is where all races and creeds can come together and get past the hatred. I thought that was really cool, and it was really brave of him to say that.

I'm very eager to do porn. I'm very eager to get my start. I'll do anything--anything, man.

He said, "Really?" and then mumbled something. I didn't want to ask him to repeat what he said, because by then I was feeling pretty embarrassed. It's like, maybe he thought I was saying I wanted to blow him, when that's NOT what I was saying AT ALL.


I only did one porno. It was an amateur thing. Some fat chick was on her knees in front of a refrigerator, eating a cream pie out of the crisper. I was doin' her from behind. It was pretty cool.

He just kinda mumbled again here. I think he's just jealous that I have a
better imagination than he does.


One of my testicles is pretty weird-looking. I mean, it's not disgusting and stuff--just weird-looking. Would you recommend surgery before I try and break into the industry?

He didn't say much at all here. Maybe he was thinking, "Oh, cool, this dude has a deformed testicle, so he isn't going to be too much competition, since both of my testicles look fine."


I'd be willing to do fag porn until something better comes up.

He just kinda went, "huh," and I think he thought I was saying I was a fag, but I'm not a fag, I'm just really eager to break into the industry, and if stuffing a few Plaid Pantry-burrito-sized dicks in my mouth is what it takes--or even being plowed in the ass, if I have enough advance notice and can get myself properly psyched--well, I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of my career. Let the whole world think I'm a fag--I know the truth.


I was thinking about calling myself "The Gopher."

He just kinda said something like, "Really?" and sorta dorked around the question. It's like he was scared about the idea of competition and like he wanted to be the only cool porn guy with a cool name.


I wish I was you. I'd rather be you than me.

He didn't say anything. He didn't even make any noises.


I have a lot of posters of you hanging in my bedroom.

He didn't say anything here, either. I think he was starting to get nervous.


What are you wearing right now?

He kinda defensively said, "I'm wearing a robe!" and said he had to go.

So that was my "interview," or at least what I can remember of it. Personally, I think this Ron Jeremy dude is a jerkoff, if you ask me. And you can print that. Dude thinks he's so cool? Dude ain't shit. Dude isn't even from Portland, and he gets to do a show at Dante's, while I'm a local legend, and every time I bug Frank to let me do a show there, he blows me off. There's a lot of injustice in the world, but the fact that Ron Jeremy's a porn star and I'm not really takes the cake. One day I'll be able to live in a place without a shared bathroom, and then Ron Jeremy won't look so cool, staying in fancy Jersey hotels and stuff.

I can deliver a steamin' plate of hot sausage like nobody's
business. How come my phone isn't ringing off the hook?
If any of you are reading this, I'm lookin' to either get into porno or find a steady girlfriend or maybe start a band. But anyways, I'm looking for ANY kind of work in the sex industry, no matter how degrading. My pager # is 503-204-7611. PLEASE call me.
I'm a pretty cool guy. I think we could have a really good time together. My rates are extremely reasonable, and I'm always
willing to cut clients a break.




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