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"Can we, as a country, all
agree
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xmag.com
: April
2002: Ron Jeremy thinks he's cool
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 Some
dude named RON JEREMY is coming to Dante's on Saturday,
April 20th. He's
doing some dorky-sounding thing called Ron Jeremy's
S&M Sideshow there. Since Frank owns Dante's and
also publishes Exotic, he wanted somebody to write
something about this upcoming show, and that way he'd
make a lot more money than normal, although from the looks
of things, Frank ain't hurtin' for cash.
My friends in the Portland
porn industry know that Daddy Biscuits has fallen on hard
times. Used to be that I was bringin' home a cool hundred
dollars a night; nowadays, I'm lucky if I can find someone
waiting at the Max station who'll let me blow 'em for
five bucks.
Over at the Exotic office,
Goad got tired of my five-dollar blow jobs and instead
offered me $150 to interview this Ron Jeremy dude, who
someone told me used to be in a lot of pornos or something.
Goad said I should use the money to get a shower and some
hot meals, even though they wouldn't let me use the shower
in the back of the Exotic office.
They made me go see this
movie about him, too. The movie was called Look at
Me, Mr. Big Porn Star or something like that. Bybee
had to cut me a check for six bucks just so I could get
in the movie. The movie talks about different stuff, like
how Ron Jeremy used to be a schoolteacher for a buncha
tards...how he fell in love with a porn-star chick who
turned into a Christian...and it also reveals his real
Jew last name. The movie shows him doing this so-called
"great" cunnilingus trick, but he's only doing the Pig
in the Blanket, an old Midwestern trick popular among
carnies. I was doing that trick as a kid, even back before
I went to the youth home!
So anyway, they set up
this phone interview with him where I have to  show
up at 7:30 in the morning at the Exotic office,
because Ron Jeremy is in New Jersey at some hotel with
some hot chick and he has to check out at 11AM East Coast
time. So I get to the office, and Goad has been there
all night, banging some chick in the back room on that
maroon velvet couch. He's all pissed-off about something
as usual. So he sets up the tape player and gives me the
number.
But when we finally tried
to play the tape, my voice came out clear, but you can't
hear anything on Ron Jeremy's side. Not even like blah-blah-blah
mumbly stuff--it's just blank. And it was too late to
call him back, because he had already checked out of
the hotel.
Goad got pissed at me
and said I fucked up the tape player. He also accused
me of stealing a bag of corn nuts from Frank's desk.
He started acting like a total scrub, so I was just
like, "Fuck you, dude!," and I went down to Dante's
to get a free slice of pizza.
MY QUESTION: I'm a
little chubby, I have a big dick, and I have a
heart of gold. How do I get started in the business?
RON JEREMY'S ANSWER,
WHICH YOU CAN'T HEAR ON THE TAPE: He said the best thing
to do would be to get a girlfriend who'd want to have
sex with me on-camera, and then go into the producer's
office with the videotape ready. He says it's much easier
to break into the business if you go as a dude-and-chick
porno couple than if you just walk into the office looking
to fuck some hot chicks and stuff.
Should I keep my glasses
on during sex?
He said, yeah, and
I said, "Obviously, you haven't seen these women," which
I thought was a pretty funny comeback. He said then
that if these chicks are so ugly, I should just close
my eyes and pretend they're someone else, which is a
really good idea that I'm going to try out next time
I'm with a chick.
What does your wife
think about all this?
 "I've
never married," he said, and I said, "Oh--no one told
me." And it's like, if he gets so many chicks and none
of them want to marry him, then what's wrong with the
dude? It makes you wonder, you know? I've been homeless
for eight years, and I get marriage proposals all the
time, and some of these chicks are halfway decent-looking.
So how much Viagra
does it take to get that thing of yours up these days?
He said he doesn't
use it, and I said, "No, seriously," and he kinda laughed
it off. But I figure he's swallowing the shit like they
were M&Ms.
You mentioned that
you wanted to be in a Spielberg film. How's  this--something
called Hedgehog's List, where you save Jew chicks
from concentration camps and fuck 'em and stuff?
He laughed at this
and said it was one of the funniest things he'd ever
heard. He also said he wanted to do a movie called E.T.:
The Extra Testicles.
You probably know
a lot of chicks. Why don't you hook a bro up?
He laughed it off.
Looks like he's not kickin' down any scraps.
Would the fact that
I'm not a Jew like you hurt my chances in the porno
industry?
He said people of
all creeds and religions can be in porno, like it's
the Rainbow Industry or something. He acted like the
industry welcomes all and is truly like the global tribe
and shit, like porno is where all races and creeds can
come together and get past the hatred. I thought that
was really cool, and it was really brave of him to say
that.
I'm very eager to do
porn. I'm very eager to get my start. I'll do anything--anything,
man.
He said, "Really?" and
then mumbled something. I didn't want to ask him to repeat
what he said, because by then I was feeling pretty embarrassed.
It's like, maybe he thought I was saying I wanted to blow
him, when that's NOT what I was saying AT ALL.
I only did one porno.
It was an amateur thing. Some fat chick was on her knees
in front of a refrigerator, eating a cream pie out of
the crisper. I was doin' her from behind. It was pretty
cool.
He just kinda mumbled
again here. I think he's just jealous that I have a
better imagination than he does.
One of my testicles
is pretty weird-looking. I mean, it's not disgusting and
stuff--just weird-looking. Would you recommend
surgery before I try and break into the industry?
He didn't say much at
all here. Maybe he was thinking, "Oh, cool, this dude
has a deformed testicle, so he isn't going to be too much
competition, since both of my testicles look fine."
I'd be willing to do
fag porn until something better comes up.
He just kinda went,
"huh," and I think he thought I was saying I was a fag,
but I'm not a fag, I'm just really eager to break into
the industry, and if stuffing a few Plaid Pantry-burrito-sized
dicks in my mouth is what it takes--or even being plowed
in the ass, if I have enough advance notice and can get
myself properly psyched--well, I'm willing to make that
sacrifice for the sake of my career. Let the whole world
think I'm a fag--I know the truth.
I was thinking about
calling myself "The Gopher."
He just kinda said something
like, "Really?" and sorta dorked around the question.
It's like he was scared about the idea of competition
and like he wanted to be the only cool porn guy with a
cool name.
I wish I was you. I'd
rather be you than me.
He didn't say anything.
He didn't even make any noises.
I have a lot of posters
of you hanging in my bedroom.
He didn't say anything
here, either. I think he was starting to get nervous.
What are you wearing
right now?
He kinda defensively
said, "I'm wearing a robe!" and said he had to go.
So that was my "interview,"
or at least what I can remember of it. Personally, I think
this Ron Jeremy dude is a jerkoff, if you ask me. And
you can print that. Dude thinks he's so cool? Dude ain't
shit. Dude isn't even from Portland, and he gets
to do a show at Dante's, while I'm a local legend, and
every time I bug Frank to let me do a show there, he blows
me off. There's a lot of injustice in the world, but the
fact that Ron Jeremy's a porn star and I'm not really
takes the cake. One day I'll be able to live in a place
without a shared bathroom, and then Ron Jeremy won't look
so cool, staying in fancy Jersey hotels and stuff.
I can deliver a steamin'
plate of hot sausage like nobody's
business. How come my phone isn't ringing off the hook?
If any of you are reading this, I'm lookin' to either
get into porno or find a steady girlfriend or maybe start
a band. But anyways, I'm looking for ANY kind of work
in the sex industry, no matter how degrading. My pager
# is 503-204-7611. PLEASE call me.
I'm a pretty cool guy. I think we could have a really
good time together. My rates are extremely reasonable,
and I'm always
willing to cut clients a break.
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