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xmag.com : April 2002: Editorial Sux

CONSPIRACY SUX
IS THIS VIDEOTAPE FOR REAL? The SUX offices recently received a videotape of the infamous bloodthirsty Puerto Rican night creature the CHUPACABRA forcefully grabbing legendary porn star JENNA JAMESON's arm while Jameson is clearly trying to walk away. Nasty rumors have swirled around the industry for years regarding violence in Jameson and the Chupacabra's tumultuous love affair. Their relationship heated up on the set of 1997's Fuck Me Like Bigfoot and has seen its way through one marriage, two children, a divorce, and finally, a restraining order against the Chupacabra. The video shows Mr. Chupacabra stalking Jameson during her recent visit to Barbados. He is seen watching her with binoculars as she suns herself topless on the beach; then sitting behind a potted plant while Jenna eats
at a seafood restaurant; and
following her as she shops for souvenirs. In the frame captured at right, Chupacabra is grabbing Jameson and pleading with her to not call his probation officer to report a restraining-order violation. "Baby, please, please, just talk to me for ONE MINUTE!" Chupacabra is seen begging Jameson on the tape. "We can work this out, baby. PLEASE, baby! Let me see the kids, baby! It doesn't have to get ugly like this!" Jameson was able to summon police, and the Chupacabra was whisked away to the drunk tank. The latest industry gossip is that Jameson has shacked up with a new lover,
THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN.
 
 
GADGETRY SUX
Dildonics Unlimited from Birmingham, England, is the talk of the Sex Gadgets Industry with their new DILDO SHOE PHONE, a sure-fire winner for the North Portland stripper. This delightful contraption serves three purposes:
1) It's a fully functional cell phone, so your meth dealer is never more than a speed-dial away;
2) It's a high-heeled ladies' shoe, sturdy enough for those runways along Killingsworth;
3) The shoe's tip sports a rubber two-inch dildo, which isn't bad if you're British.
The phone comes in two colors: Puckered Anus Magenta and Limey Green. Dildonics Unlimited has scored with another winner here, and one lucky SUX reader will win their own Dildo Shoe Phone if they can guess whether or not I dye my hair.
 
MY LIFE SUX
Lately I've been trying to jump-start my flagging ad sales by trying to smear EXOTIC's reputation. Many of those who know me realize that this is merely guilt-projection, since I've hardly been an angel. While I'm out making my rounds,
getting all snootily British about how sleazy my competitor is for publishing SATIRICAL articles, I certainly don't tell advertisers about my own arrest for domestic violence in 1992. When I cluck my tongue about an OBVIOUS SPOOF that Exotic did called "Adult Films Made By Children," I neglect to tell people that I've had sex with a underaged girl when I was almost forty. Or that I've stolen Exotic's racks all while spreading false rumors about Exotic's staff. Or about the time I attacked someone with a butcher knife in Washington. I definitely won't show THIS Exotic article to advertisers while shaking my head about the immorality of Faillace's posse. The truth is, you'd have to look far and wide to find an innocent person in the porn industry--or anywhere, for that matter. And it's usually the ones doing all the accusing who have the dirtiest hands.
 
The truth is, I'm obsessed with Frank. In a gay way, probably. He's younger than me. His magazine is much bigger than mine. He snags much more pussy than I do. People actually LIKE Frank, while everyone thinks I'm a nebbishy weasel.
I love Frank so much, I want to become him, and cloning Exotic was my way of becoming Frank. But SUX isn't really a clone of Frank's magazine. In fact, SUX isn't really a magazine at all. It's a collection of sex-industry ads surrounded by the flattest, blandest, most faceless cardboard editorial filler you could
imagine. It is a magazine distinctly devoid of an editorial personality. A robot could have made it. In producing SUX,
I have managed to create something which is as soulless as I am.

X

 

 

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