erotic city


"Nothing but the Naked Truth"

May 2002


Jump to calendar xmag.com : May 2002 : Erotic City

Welcome Back, Pornland

 

After last month, what can I say? How about we keep it nice and simple and say it was all an April Fool's joke? For our more intelligent readers, allow me to make yet another apology.

After last issue's deadline was over, Spooky emerged from hibernation (or should I say detoxification?). He found himself in a whole new landscape. Pornland was looking a little different. The clouds of narcotic haze had parted, and that giant flaming ball in the sky had started to appear again. As soon as Spooky was exposed to the first spring sunlight, he burst into flames and ran cowering into any darkness he could find. He hasn't been heard from since, but there was a rumored sighting called into the office that he was seen hanging out on the patio at Doc's Bar & Grill.

At least Spooky went out in style as Employee of the Month. So let's all say farewell to that mean ol' bastard. But I'll be your host for this column to guide you through the wonders of the flesh that Portland has to offer you right here in Erotic City. My name is Jon Bon Voji. Writing this column as a follow-up to three months of Spooky's psychotic rambling is gonna be a tough transformation for us all. I'm not allowed to say anything bad about anybody this month. And Frank is even telling me that I gotta write more shit about what's actually happening in town [and less angst-ridden, inside-joke, personal drivel--Pub.].

Love and strippers are a very dangerous, crazy combination, but sex with
strippers...that's what it's all about. That's why every one of you spends your hard-earned dollars in Portland's strip clubs. You all hope and dream that
someday you're gonna get a return on that investment. Maybe one night, the stripper of your dreams will follow you home.

Those of us here at Exotic are even more obsessed with strippers than all of you. Consider the fact that somehow, we all found a way to make a living out of our addiction to sex with strippers. Only in America, baby, and especially right
here in Portland. This town, a Nirvana of Nudity, boasts close to a hundred different places where you can stalk over two thousand sex-industry babes, dreaming about the opportunity of possibly one day having sex with them. But with so many choices, it's often difficult to stay focused.

So this month, we've found a way to keep ourselves, (as well as all of you) focused on a little something we'd like to call...

 

 

The Top Ten Sex Workers

The Staff of Exotic

Magazine Wants to Fuck

 

(This list was compiled by polling all Exotic staff members through a variety of methods, including secret ballot, blatantly declared lust, obvious obsessions, bribes, threats, and the all-powerful flip of a coin.)

 

#1. SHEENA ­ SHEENA'S G-SPOT Sheena

A picture is worth a thousand words in most cases, and when you get a look at her, the visuals are the stuff wet dreams are made of. But on top of that, this babe has brains, too. Scary shit, boys and girls! Sheena has built one of the most formidable jack-shack empires in all of Portland: The Palace of Pleasure, Anastasia's, and the newest feather in her bad-ass cap, Sheena's G-Spot. Why, we've been looking for that place since the day we met her! Rumor has it that Sheena not only owns all these shops, but she occasionally performs some seriously tantalizing lingerie-modeling shows herself. So if you're man enough, catch her if you can. We've been chasin' her for years.

 

#2. PANDORA ­ THE BOOM BOOM ROOM

pandoraThe vote was so close on this one, we're not even gonna tell you how we came up with the winner, but our second favorite sexbomb is one of the world's orgasmic wonders...Pandora. I'd like to be a marshmallow floating in her hot cocoa. But one unfortunate fact about this Boom Raider Covergirl is that we're all gonna have to wait a couple of months to see her in the flesh again. She has this very annoying habit of taking off for Guam a couple of times a year. So consult your travel agent on rates to Guam if you plan on beatin' us to her pearly gates.

 

#3. VEGAS ­ THE ACROPOLIS

VegasUp 'n' comer extraordinaire! And can you believe this babe isn't even twenty-one yet? Does that make us all a buncha pedophiles or something? Who the hell cares? She's legal! I can remember the day this babe was actually let go by a bartender named Steve, in a club that shall remain nameless, because Vegas wouldn't take her pants all the way off during her sets. Now I gotta be understanding to Steve, plus the horny bastard works with us (which means he voted on this poll), and Steve only fired her for a reason that is now clearly evident...like the rest of us...he only wanted to get in her pants. You can see Vegas, without her pants even, at the Acropolis, but not at Steve's bar.

 

#4. HOLLY FOXX ­ THE ACROPOLIS

hollyObviously, right? I mean, Holly holds just about all the titles that you can possibly acquire, including Miss Nude Oregon 2000 and Gallery Girl Next Door of the Year 2002. But now she came in at Number Four, which is gonna piss her off, I'm sure. And knowing this determined young lady, I'm sure she'll be putting all of her assets into use to make sure she takes Number One next time. (At least that's what we're all hoping for!)

 

 

 

#5. KITTY ­ ROC'S DOLLHOUSE

KittyAnother title-holding temptress is the Queen of the Portland Porn Jungle...Kitty. This purrrfect predator was actually excited when she learned she made the list of nominees. As a matter of fact, she was determined to make Number One. Don't know what to say...we were here at the office for ten days during deadline, the catnip was waiting...where were you? Determination is just one of her many skills, and as a prime contender for Covergirl of the Year, as well as a finalist in the Dollhouse's contest, something tells me you might be seeing this babe gracing our cover again soon.

 

#6. ASPEN ­ CLUB 205

AspenBlonde, All-American Girl, and all-natural boner-fide
beauty. Aspen's in-office photo shoot this month was one of the definite "best of" moments we had during deadline. My own personal vote was definitely affected by the sight of this topless beauty sitting in the chair next to me as we selected her photos. I'm not quite sure if it was the lack of panties, the position she was seated in, or the piercing...but let's just say it was a moment I'll not soon forget.

 

#7. KIT ­ CENTERFOLD SUITE

KitThere used to be this sweet innocent dancer that worked out at Soobie's Bar & Grill. After a year or so in the industry, a porn star waiting to happen has emerged from that delicate flower. And this baby has bloomed into a Venus Flytrap of a maneater. There are stories I could tell you, but she'd kick my ass. (One of her notorious talents is her grappling skills.) Since she works right upstairs, I'll just keep my mouth shut.

 

#8. CLAUDIA ­ THE DOLPHIN II (A K A SHANE ­ SASSY'S)

ClaudiaNo matter what name she goes by, this girl is heartbreak material defined. Sweet...hot...natural...young... and she can party your ass under the table. Wish we could see more of her in the magazine, but this little tease will only do a mystery appearance once in a while. She seems to be quite addictive to the staff in general, as Exotic attendance records at The Dolphin II are up quite a bit lately. Coincidence? I don't think so.

 

#9. ISIS ­ THE BOOM BOOM ROOM

isisAnother goddess in our sinful little version of heaven is the mighty Isis. Now retired from dancing, she's slingin' the booze over at the Boom Boom Room and also happens to be in the lead at press time as our Covergirl of the Year election develops. And if you're lucky, you can catch one of Isis's feature cabaret performances monthly at Dante's Sinferno.

 



#10. AMBRESE ­ PORTLAND ESCORT

ambrese"AMMMBREEEECHAAAAAYYY...MI A-MOR-AYYYY" is a common song that can be heard being sung in amateur Italian Operatic voices by several Exotic staffers, especially at deadline, when all the outcall/escort section girls are filing though the office to place their ads. But only one of these

young ladies has captured the crotches of Exotic like Ambrese. For all you amateurs out there that don't understand how it works...you can't see Ambrese at a club, but you can visit her in a more comfortable, private-type setting of her own. Book yourself a session by calling (503) 705-7657. No one here at Exotic can actually predict what will happen to you, though I'm sure Darkstar will be looking into it, since he scored a half-off coupon from Ambrese when she found out she made the list. Let that be a lesson to all you other escorts out there. Deadline would be a much more enjoyable experience if there were waaaay more half-off coupons!

 

 

(If there was an 11 there would have to be a 12 & 13, since it was a draw, and the deadlock could not be broken. Our nearest misses will have to battle it out next time, and those lovely ladies we'll be tryin' to hook up with once we nail the Top Ten are Chloe from Anastasia's, Tonic from the Acropolis, and Geni from Sassy's.)

 

ADDITIONAL STATISTICS

Consider this a shopping list for the Portland porn connoisseur. After totaling all the staff members' nominations and final votes, quite a few interesting facts were revealed, the most fascinating being: Eighty percent of the women on this list have not slept with a single Exotic staff member. Kinda sad to think that hardly any of us have ever conquered even one of the hotties we want the most. Guess you only want what you haven't had. So this means the hunt is on. Ladies of the Top Ten, beware...we all want you real bad, and rumor has it that there is even a pool on who the next to fall shall be and whom she shall fall upon.

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Numbers 14 through 17 go to Laura from Webb's Pub, Kelly from Secret Pleasures, Vanessa from Private Pleasures, and Taylor from Baby Dolls. So many women, so little time, so little cash...that's the way it goes.

One other group of women that landed on several lists were technically not sex industry workers, but working at Dante's is about as close to that line as it gets...so hats off and erections
forward for Marne, Storm, Paula, Maya, Amber Lee, Allie, Ashana, Ann, Alana, Pyper, and both Hannahs. Is it 'cause they're all so hot, or is because we all consume more alcohol at Dante's than anywhere else in Portland?

Other Honorable Mentions go to: Sarie, Adrianne, and Nikita from Stars Cabaret; Asia, Olive, and Akira from the Dolphin; Cheri from Jody's Bar & Grill; Baby Girl from Exotica International; Autumn from City Limits Showgirls; Laila and Logan from Club 205; Rumor from Sheena's G-Spot; Carly from Sassy's; Viva Las Vegas from Magic Gardens; and Raven, Jordan, and Sianne from Cocktails & Dreams.

One of the strangest submissions came from editor Jim Goad. Jim was the only employee who was willing, if not excited, to have his Top Ten list printed in its entirety, so I give you...

 

THE TOP 10 SEX WORKERS JIM GOAD WANTS TO FUCK

(Note: Jim doesn't really get out of the office or off Burnside very much, so we had to make an exception to the rule considering most of his list does not include actual strippers.)

#1: The Jew

#2: Swastika (dancer at The Desert Fox)

#3: Darklady (Former Exotic Columnist)

#4: Reed McClintock (One of Dante's Top 20 Coin Magicians)

#5: Daddy Biscuits (P-Town Gigolo)

#6: Karla (Exotic Sales Rep--Ohhh, Garrrr-lllluhhh!)

#7: Goddess Severina

#8: Her Boyfriend, Too

#9: All Lesbians

#10: Any Chick on Burnside

 

Karla, our only female staffer, tallied a vote for our own Jim Goad, who gives one mean table dance. Trust me, I've been forced to witness this several times in my office, unfortunately. Next month, Goad says he's gonna let me take a photo of one of his table dances. Seeing as how Karla is on Goad's list as well, these two are officially voted the Number One Pair of Exotic Magazine Employees Most Likely to Fuck.

So that's it, Portland. I'm out. I know I didn't mention any of my own
personal picks in any great detail. What, do you think I'm nuts? My number 1-10 is Abbey from Jody's Bar & Grill. As for the rest, I'm gonna leave it all up to you guys to figure out who voted for whom. I have all of the original ballots and documents under lock and key. E-mail requests for any clues might be answered at spookyex@hotmail.com. See you at the rack...

°°°°°°°°°°°

(Special note for our friends at Doc's Bar & Grill: We love you, too. This has all been a lesson in advertising. Say you're the best, no one cares. Say you're the worst....well, you've seen the results of that. Advertising is advertising, as long as you advertise in the right places, old friends. And though we've had exposé offers from several of your former employees, this mudslingin' melee is way past its prime. There's only so much free advertising we can give ya. And for what we've given you over the past two months, you're welcome.)

 


CALENDAR OF EVENTS


 

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