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xmag.com : May 2002: I Hate Sex

My Depo-Provera Epiphany

 

Back in the day, my box could be a scary place! Every month, for days at a time, a thick brown sludge would detach itself from the walls of my uterus, ooze down my birth canal, and slop out into my panties, where it would fester for hours between my legs.

Yes, I'm talking about that same precious little box that all you guys want
to get into! Personally, I can't think of anything worse than a gaping mucus membrane covered in stinky, wiry hair...unless it's a gaping mucus membrane oozing blood, covered in stinky, bloody hair! But even at "that time of the month," with a boxful of leftover uterine meat, many women in today's enlightened age see plenty of action. It seems that some guys can't wait to stick their dipstick into a stinking morass of blood and ooze.

Of course, some people still think it's disgusting, and that's where I come in. You see, I've never been one to put up with the nasty antics of my body. When hair grows in unsightly places, I pluck it. When smells emanate from my underarms and orifices, I stamp them out with deodorants, perfumes, and powders.
If modern science has taught me anything by now, it is that I can THWART nature and her bitchy ways! And it is thanks to modern science that I have
even found a way to ward off my monthly curse.

"Menstruation is so 1800s. Now that science
has found a way to end the anguish, let us all rejoice and heed the call to join this bloodless revolution."

 

I haven't had a period since the 1900s. No more bloody matted hair, no more stinks and stains. It's all baby-fresh, and it's all good. And it's all due to this wonder-drug called Depo-Provera, a contraceptive injection I get every three months. It clogs up my uterus with a magical, sperm-blocking mucus...and it also causes me to suffer from amazing, life-enhancing amenorrhea­the total cessation of menstrual periods.

Now, some matronly bitches with a "nesting" urge will try to tell you that it's "unnatural" not to have a period. That it is "unnatural" not to have chunks of bloody flesh rotting away on a bed of stinking Kotex between your legs. Give me a break! Menstruation is so 1800s. Now that science has found a way to end the anguish, let us all rejoice and heed the call to join this bloodless revolution. The world will be a cleaner, better-smelling place for it.

And now that my panties are a tea party all year 'round, you might think I'm lucky to enjoy clean, pleasant sex whenever I choose. WRONG! For one thing, in my book there is no such thing as "clean, pleasant sex." For another thing, Depo-Provera has an even better bonus side effect: it represses the libido. These days, even though I could have sex at any time of the month...I wouldn't want to! There is some kind of hormone in Depo-Provera that totally squashes the sex drive--it's even prescribed for sex offenders and people with sick fetishes so they won't be tempted to indulge. And it really works!

So if you come knocking around my clean, baby-fresh box, expecting to get in a few worry-free strokes while your steady honey's on the rag...FORGET IT! I'm NOT INTERESTED! I finally managed to rid my puss of bloody red ooze...what makes you think I want to have it all schmutzed-up with your sticky white slime?? You think I want your sweaty, stinking balls slapping up against my shaved and powdered ass? Fuck you!

Yes, thanks to the miracle of Depo-Provera, I have been saved from the twin evils of menstruation and sex. My box has been cordoned-off for good, like the room of a dead relative that no one ever goes in. And nothing's ever going in or coming out again...unless the money's right!

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