: May 2002: I Hate Sex
in the day, my box could be a scary place! Every month,
for days at a time, a thick brown sludge would detach
itself from the walls of my uterus, ooze down my birth
canal, and slop out into my panties, where it would fester
for hours between my legs.
I'm talking about that same precious little box that all
you guys want
to get into! Personally, I can't think of anything worse
than a gaping mucus membrane covered in stinky, wiry hair...unless
it's a gaping mucus membrane oozing blood, covered in
stinky, bloody hair! But even at "that time of the month,"
with a boxful of leftover uterine meat, many women in
today's enlightened age see plenty of action. It seems
that some guys can't wait to stick their dipstick into
a stinking morass of blood and ooze.
course, some people still think it's disgusting, and that's
where I come in. You see, I've never been one to put up
with the nasty antics of my body. When hair grows in unsightly
places, I pluck it. When smells emanate from my underarms
and orifices, I stamp them out with deodorants, perfumes,
If modern science has taught me anything by now, it is
that I can THWART nature and her bitchy ways! And it is
thanks to modern science that I have
even found a way to ward off my monthly curse.
is so 1800s. Now that science
has found a way to end the anguish,
let us all rejoice and heed
the call to join this bloodless revolution."
haven't had a period since the 1900s. No more bloody matted
hair, no more stinks and stains. It's all baby-fresh,
and it's all good. And it's all due to this wonder-drug
called Depo-Provera, a contraceptive injection I get every
three months. It clogs up my uterus with a magical, sperm-blocking
mucus...and it also causes me to suffer from amazing,
life-enhancing amenorrheathe total cessation
of menstrual periods.
some matronly bitches with a "nesting" urge will try to
tell you that it's "unnatural" not to have a period. That
it is "unnatural" not to have chunks of bloody flesh rotting
away on a bed of stinking Kotex between your legs. Give
me a break! Menstruation is so 1800s. Now that
science has found a way to end the anguish, let us all
rejoice and heed the call to join this bloodless revolution.
The world will be a cleaner, better-smelling place for
now that my panties are a tea party all year 'round, you
might think I'm lucky to enjoy clean, pleasant sex whenever
I choose. WRONG! For one thing, in my book there is no
such thing as "clean, pleasant sex." For another thing,
Depo-Provera has an even better bonus side effect: it
represses the libido. These days, even though I could
have sex at any time of the month...I wouldn't want to!
There is some kind of hormone in Depo-Provera that totally
squashes the sex drive--it's even prescribed for sex offenders
and people with sick fetishes so they won't be tempted
to indulge. And it really works!
if you come knocking around my clean, baby-fresh box,
expecting to get in a few worry-free strokes while your
steady honey's on the rag...FORGET IT! I'm NOT INTERESTED!
I finally managed to rid my puss of bloody red ooze...what
makes you think I want to have it all schmutzed-up with
your sticky white slime?? You think I want your sweaty,
stinking balls slapping up against my shaved and powdered
ass? Fuck you!
thanks to the miracle of Depo-Provera, I have been saved
from the twin evils of menstruation and sex. My box has
been cordoned-off for good, like the room of a dead relative
that no one ever goes in. And nothing's ever going in
or coming out again...unless the money's right!
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