erotic city


"Nothing but the Naked Truth"

June 2002


Jump to calendar xmag.com : June 2002 : Erotic City

Summertime...what does it mean to you? I'm not asking you this as some sort of intellectual transition into a stimulating topic I can fill two pages with. I am asking you this because I truly have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do any differently now that the sun is doing its thing for a few months. Since this issue is all about "Exotic's Guide to Summertime Sexual Fun," I decided to sell out and let Erotic City follow the masses.

The world I live in really isn't all that much different with the change of the seasons. But on the rare occasions that I'm not protected under the black lights in the darkness of a strip club, I do notice a few things in the outside world. First off, there are hot babes walking around downtown, and they're all dressed like strippers now. In this town, all it takes is a ray or two of sunshine, and the clothes start flying off. But one of the most traumatizing summertime events is the nauseating pleasure of the Rose Festival. But I'm gonna delay any ranting and raving for a bit and be informative about what our fair city has to offer you. After all,
it's tourist season...so I'm gonna help all you sex-starved strangers out and point your horny
little peckers in the right direction.

 

Exotic's Official Summertime Guide to Rose Festival
Sexual Fun

 

Odds are if you have this magazine in your hands, the bumper cars at the fun center just aren't doing it for you. You need something a bit more stimulating to the sinful senses? We got your back. Downtown is where its all happening at Rose Festival time, so we're gonna take you on a quick little sexpedition you can accomplish on foot while the wife and kids are sucking snow cones on the Ferris wheel.

 

DOWNTOWN STRIP CLUBS

You have four convenient options if you're looking for flesh on foot. Two Portland classics lay on the west side at Magic Gardens and Mary's Club. Don't go there looking for high-tech lighting and champagne rooms; DO go there for artsy strippers in a "classy-trashy" environment with reasonably priced stiff drinks. Just on the east side of the Burnside Bridge you've got a very unique club called Union Jacks. A very kick-ass high-tech club, not to mention some very hot babes. Jacks used to be the kinda joint you didn't feel safe walking into without garlic and a crucifix. (One of the reasons I used to like it, actually!) But after a remodel, a new staff, and an incredible new collection of dancers this place is now what I have to call "Downtown Portland's Best Kept Secret."

One more eastside club within waterfront stagger distance is Sassy's on Morrison. Another no-nonsense kinda place with incredibly hot chicks. Just check out how many Exotic Covergirl posters they've got up on their walls, and you'll see what I mean. Statistically, I would have to say this has been the preferred spawning grounds among Exotic staffers for years.

OTHER DOWNTOWN EXOTIC POINTS OF INTEREST

Okay, so maybe you're looking for something a little more "interactive" than a strip club. A place where you can be more "hands-on," perhaps? Relax, sailor, that kind of thing is illegal in Portland. However, if hanging out in a private room with a hot centerfold sounds like fun to you, ya might wanna drop anchor at Centerfold Suites. You can find their penthouse upstairs above Dante's on 3rd & Burnside. If you've never checked into the Suites before, lemme fill you in to avoid any ignorant indiscretions. You drop 40 bucks for a half-hour show, you drop your pants, you drop your load. Simple as that? Not really. The 40 bucks is the house fee; the ladies work for tips alone. So generosity would most likely improve the quality of your show. Now remember, sexual contact between you and the models is illegal. But if you wanna swab your own deck, hey, we gots no problem wit dat!

If you're too shy to have a hot babe in your presence while you're takin' care of business, downtown has plenty of porn shops to satisfy you sex-starved seamen. Hard Times and Cindy's are just off Burnside. Both shops offer toys, mags, vids, and preview booths. If you're a porn shop connoisseur, definitely stop by Fantasy Video on Burnside or Taboo Video on MLK (eastside). They've got the largest selection, and let's just say the floors aren't as sticky. Hell, you can even pick up an inflatable girlfriend to smuggle back on board for those lonely nights at sea. So there you have it, soldiers, before I return to doing what I normally do with this column, I'm gonna give you one more valuable bit of advice: Strippers get totally hot over those silly little sailor hats. Bring EXTRA HATS ashore with you and see what you can get a girl to give up for 'em. Enjoy your time in Pornland, boys, we'll see ya next year.

 

AND NOW...FOR THE REST OF YOU...

That kinda felt like a walk down memory lane, when Erotic City was just a promotional tool to stroke our advertisers. But the few dedicated readers that our publisher thinks I have were probably bored as hell reading about a bunch of "been there, done that" kinda crap. So just for you, I'm gonna try and squeeze in a little summertime shit-disturbing before we wrap this month's issue up.

First things first: Let's settle up a little confusion about this Spooky thing. You were all too smart for me; Spooky isn't really dead. I tried to roll with this Bon Voji thing to kind of mark a transformational period in my life. Apparently, the transformation has stabilized, so Spooky is back, kind of. You see, I recently met

this other dude down at Dante's who was introduced to me as Spooky. He's a pornographer too, but he jacks his gig for a hip little website full of naked goth chicks called The Suicide Girls (www.suicidegirls.com). And there's more...I'm a deejay again. This time at Soobie's Bar & Grill. Hong has been adventurous enough to turn me loose on a microphone and let me spin my twisted and graciously uncensored tunes for all the hot babes to get naked to. You can find me there on just about any night except Sunday, Monday or Thursday. So I thought DJ Spooky had a nice ring to it, but wouldn't ya know it, there's already a DJ Spooky. I'd like to mention that I didn't choose the nickname Spooky; it was appointed to me by one of Satan's little helpers down at Dante's years ago. So taking all of this into account, this has led me to my new name, "The Pornographer formerly known as Spooky."

Last month, Erotic City reached new levels or reader appreciation, with completely unexpected results. I can probably sum it up best with the reaction that a very sexy young lady by the name of Anna at Centerfold Suites greeted me with earlier last month. In a genuinely annoyed and dissapointed tone of voice, she asked me, "How come you don't wanna fuck me?" There is no warmer and fuzzier feeling I can possibly describe than the way I felt at that moment. Perhaps we were onto something here. Why hadn't we thought of this before? Maybe we should just turn Exotic into a 96-page update on who we wanna fuck! My response to the lovely Anna's question, as well as to every other hot babe that complained about being omitted from the Top 10 is this: "I would be more than happy to fuck every one of you." Most of you know how to find me: Just give me a call and make an appointment. I'm booking about a week out right now, and I have a Summer Sex Special starting this month. Call for details.

"The Top 10 girls We Wanna Fuck" was a lot of fun, and we will definitely revisit this list again in the near future. With so many hot strippers in one town, there are many ladies I've ran into over the past month that if I had thought about, certainly would have been on my list. Here's a few for ya: Electra at Exotica, Shay and Octavia at the Dolphin, Icess from Union Jacks, and Emerald at Sassy's (make-up sex rocks!) and a ton of the chicks I get to look at naked all day and all night long at Soobie's Bar and Grill. (Though I promised Hong I would try not to breed at my new home club.) Now I know that a number of these young ladies have "insignificant" others, and I respect that, but given the opportunity, I would absolutely not turn it down. I mean, Christ, I'm single now. The potential benefits of this job just got a whole lot more interesting. What happened to the girlfriend? Well, I came home one night, and she was gone. So was her stuff, and the beer, and even the fucking toilet paper off the roll. So I pouted for about twelve hours, then I drank for about a week. And I met some pretty incredible people that I barely remember. One that sticks out the best is probably the one and only Miss Mona Superhero from Union Jacks. Now I had heard of this legendary creature before but never actually met her. On our first drunken night together, I allowed this woman to take a souvenir "lock" of hair from my head, which she removed with a butcher knife. I woke up the next morning, took a quick shower, and headed in for a day of hard work at the Devils Workshop. As I climbed the steps to the office, I noticed huge chunks of hair littering the stairs, hair the exact same color as mine. Lots of it. In my clouded hangover suffering state, the previous night's scalping all came back to me. Love ya, Mona. Your boy-toy named me, and you nearly maimed me. Though Mona and I never had sex, there is a bond two people share when you allow them to slice through eight years of hair with a dull kitchen utensil. So when you see me out at the clubs with a new "'do," now you know why.

But after a week of drunken near-misses, I finally scored. And scored well. But much to the dismay of my coworkers, I refused to divulge the true name of Little Miss Rebound. Though I did let one little bit of info slip to our publisher Frank when I admitted to him that the babe who's been secretly servicing Spooky was a titleholder on last month's Top 10 list. So they've been trying to play detective to figure out who the big score was. [been there.--pub.] But my lips are sealed...for now.

And one last topic for discussion is a new law within a revised statute by the Oregon State Court of Appeals which was passed last month like a thief in the night...the kind of thief that runs off with all your dildos and vibrators. You gotta love these laws. Vera and her minions have found a new way to force all of the industry to make several lawyers very wealthy in order to protect our constitutional rights.

What are they trying to take away from us? The new ruling states that anyone involved in promoting, managing, or facilitating live shows involving sexual conduct is now in violation of the current reading of the law. This would include simulated sex shows, masturbation, simulated masturbation, and toy shows. OK, and that leaves what, exactly? It leaves a very cautious industry. Those of you out there that enjoy the services of lingerie models/escorts beware and give the girls a break. You can still yank it all you want, but the girls aren't allowed to play along now. They can dance around and provide more than adequate visual stimulation
to help you bust your nut. But that's it
for now. But the strength of this industry usually prevails in time. At the moment, an appeal is pending, so we'll keep
you posted.

 
 

 


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