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I Tried These Dick Drugs (So You Don't Have To)

by Jonas Barnes

If you live in Portland, you probably love sex and support sex work. And, good for you! These people work "hard" at their jobs and they deserve your support. Yes, you can find a strip club on damn near every block in PDX (and, god bless this city for that), but you can also find sex shops on those same blocks. Sex shops have every toy you can think of...but, we’re talking about drugs today, boys and girls. Sex shops call them "herbal supplements." And, as a man who is fucking way outside of my league, I’ve tried my fair share of these bad boys with a wide range of results. Everything—from the hardest dick I’ve ever had, to what I like to call a "cock migraine." I’ll explain below, I promise.

The first one on my list is Extenze. You know, the one with the "Smilin’ Bob" character from TV that resembles Bill Nye The Hard Cock Guy? The short of it is that they suck. They make you sweat a lot, your heart feels like it’s going to explode and your dick is about as hard as it usually would be. The twist? You’re uncomfortable and it gives you more stamina. So, you can hate your decision longer. This is also the one that gave me the "cock migraine," because as soon as I finally finished, my head felt like it was going to split in two. Fuck Smilin’ Bob.

Next, is a pill called Volume and it’s gross. It works great as an erection pill, but its main purpose is...well, it makes you cum more than usual. I figured that was fine. It was not. It absolutely was not. It was a crime scene. This pill does exactly what is advertised and I didn’t like it at all. I felt so bad for my girlfriend—I was dehydrated, I cramped up and I’m sure my dick dry heaved at the end. Not recommended, unless you basically don’t cum at all when you orgasm. Jesus Christ, Volume. Nobody needs that much cum.

Then, there is the gas station legend, known as Black Rhino. Does it live up to the hype? For about two hours, absolutely. You get a bit flushed, but for two hours of sweet lovin’ it does the job. No lasting effect at all, though. The Black Rhino is extinct after the first shot, my friends.

And, finally, I present to you the most amazing dick pill I’ve ever tried. Only at Taboo stores can you find Buckram. Buckram is quite simply magical. So magical, in fact, that I’ll buy it online whenever I’m far away from a Taboo store. Buckram does amazing things to your dick. You’re harder than granite, with the stamina of Michael Phelps and it only kicks in once you’re stimulated. Some pills give you surprise hard-ons. Buckram does not. And, you absolutely get all the bang for your buck, because it lasts three days—three entire days of the best fucking you’ve ever experienced—very minimal side effects too. Little flushing and a slight dehydration, but all in all, amazing. Do NOT go to the strip club in that three-day window though, because once the hound of hell arrives, you ain’t putting him down without a fight.

There you have it, Portland. Do your dick drugs responsibly! Don’t make the same mistakes I did.