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Jonas Does Portland: How To Get Laid During World War III

by Jonas Barnes

I think it’s okay for me to say, at this point, that we’re probably going to war soon. I don’t know when and I don’t know how it will all come to fruition, but I’m almost certain that it’s coming. You can only poke a country that doesn’t care about our existence for so long, before we’re all Sarah Conner at the fence in Terminator 2. So, what do we do when we’re faced with the potential of a nuclear holocaust? We prioritize and prepare, of course! Obviously, food, water and shelter take priority over everything else, but, you’re reading Exotic, not Food Network Magazine. I ain’t talking about freeze dried food and Kirkland Signature Purified Water today—I’m talking about eating something else entirely. Even in times of certain doom, we all have needs.

First and foremost, you need to remember some things when you horde your belongings for the nuclear winter. We’ll start with your electronics...leave them! There is a better-than-strong chance that your cell phone isn’t going to work, because the cell towers will have been blown to shit. And, you may not even have sufficient electricity to plug stuff in. So, it’s time to go back to basics: if it can’t run on batteries, you don’t need it. You know what runs on batteries, though? Sex toys! In the face of doom, orgasms may be the only thing you have left to enjoy, so take full advantage of it and leave no rubber cock behind. You throw the pocket rockets in the bag and load up on a realistic anal stroker or two. And, don’t forget the lube. The whole landscape is gonna be a dry, desolate, place so don’t expect your lady to have the most flooded of basements (if you know what I’m saying). I’m serious; do NOT skimp on the lube! Your post-apocalyptic sex life depends on it.

You’re going to want to be comfortable when the skies open up and rain ash, so I’m saying your next priority should be comfortable, sexy clothing (you can throw in here the silk smoking jacket or the robe you only take to the swingers’ party). Bring some nice underwear, reasonable lingerie or anything that makes you feel sexy. If you want to make the most of this shit show, you need to feel sexy and confident in the face of destruction. If you feel sexy, your partner will pick up on it and fuck you into the next life. This is how you want to spend your war-torn days. While we’re at it, throw in some cologne. The outside is going to smell...well, let’s just say it won’t smell good. This is where you come in, to spray yourself with a scent that will knock her hazmat suit right off. Good smells attract people and you want to attract people. Nothing gets you out of a sad rut like great oral.

You need to be able to protect yourself, as well as anyone you are with. This is not only key to your ultimate survival, but it also makes people hot for your loving. Protecting someone is a sure-fire way to get the hormones flowing, just so you know. In any case, you need to know how to throw a punch and stockpile any weapons you may have. Anything that can be used as a weapon and is small and portable...grab it. If you are questioning whether it can be used as a weapon, it can and you should grab it. You don’t have time to fuck around here. Board up your shelter, set up checkpoints and sniping locations, show you’re a man with a plan and get ready for some sweet World War III lovin’. Don’t be afraid to go outside and walk around, either. Pay attention to your surroundings and the people that may try to take over your dwelling. Know your enemies.

Shelter is obviously important, in a situation where our land has been scorched. You want to build or choose a sturdy structure that will protect you and your party from the hellish elements outside. You also want some privacy, most likely, so you want to pick a place that has an extra room for you and your sweet lover (this is also the room where you keep all the sex toys and fun shit). Did you pack your silk sheets and feather pillows? If you aren’t an asshole, you did. When thinking of how to pack for your fuck palace in the middle of desolation, ask yourself what Quagmire from Family Guy would pack. Answer that question and pack slightly less, because he’s a bit of a creeper. Don’t be afraid to make your own separate room if you have to, either. Find wood outside and get to building, if you have to.

If you think these rules and guidelines only apply to men, please stop reading my articles. Women are just as capable of doing all of the above as men and are, arguably, often better at it. And, if you don’t think a woman protecting a tribe and throwing on some sexy-ass, post-nuke battle gear is hot as fuck, then you need to get your head checked. So, after you get the food and water figured out, get to fucking!