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Mommy Knows Worst: A Modern Day Interpretive Guide To Roman God Mythology

by Tiffany Greysen

Jupiter, King Of Gods

This guy is the guy that you meet at a party. He’s handsome and charming for the first five minutes—and, you want to like him—but, he just ruins it at every chance. This guy went down to Earth to have sex with virgins, impregnate them and leave them alone to be single moms, which makes them appear as crazy liars to their own mothers. "No, Mom, really...he’s a god and we’re going to be together soon—he’ll send for the baby and I, as soon as he can. He just has to make it right with his wife first." Um...okay?

Juno, Goddess Of Marriage

Well, fuck, of course we have goddess of marriage after Jupiter runs around, sticking his god dick everywhere. You’re going to need a marriage goddess to pray about putting a ring on it, with all these single moms running around having these half-god babies.

Venus, Goddess Of love


Pluto, God Of The Underworld

This motherfucker "stole" Jupiter’s wife for half a year to take her underground, so his frat boy friend on Olympus could get some Earth pussy. Hey guys, guess what? They are in it TOGETHER. They want you to think that they are opposite. They are both having sex with Proserpine—it’s a big scheme they cooked up. "You can have sex with my wife, but you have to keep her for a few months and distract her. I’ll just run around, banging all these Earth bitches." They’re jerks; this is how jerks talk.

Proserpine, Goddess Of The Underworld

This poor goddess has no idea that these guys are playing her.

Ceres , Goddess Of The Harvest

I guess she is goddess of the corn? Maybe of wheat, grain...GLUTEN? Maybe, this is just a nice way to say she is the goddess of your IBS.

Apollo, God Of Music And Medicine

Apollo is your cool uncle, who listens to music you’ve never heard and always has dabs. May Apollo bless you with ad-free Spotify and, occasionally, with just enough dabs—but, never too much, because dabs will damage you.

Diana, Goddess Of The Hunt

Don’t you mean Goddess of the husband hunt? She will help the single moms track you down and marry the fuck out of you.

Necessita, Goddess Of Destiny

"...is coming to main stage."

Mercury/Hermes, Messenger Of The Gods

Oh, I really want a Hermes bag. Oh, dear Hermes god, please send me Hermes bag.

Bacchus, God Of Wine

This makes sense. Did you know that Bacchus is best friends with Apollo? They drink wine and do dabs together.

Cupid, God Of Love

Fuck this garbage-troll-shit baby. WHO GIVES A BABY ARROWS?

Candelifera, Goddess Of Childbirth

Well, you need a childbirth goddess because of Jupiter-the-Earth-girl fucker.

Carmenta, Goddess Of Childbirth And Prophecy

This goddess is like Candelifera, but she can make your baby grow up and be on a TLC show called Long Island Medium.

Clementia, Goddess Of Forgiveness And Mercy

The Earth lady who had Jupiter’s baby is pretty mad, and rightfully so. But, she needs a forgiveness goddess.

Cloacina, Goddess Of The Sewers

Seriously, there is a goddess of toilets? Maybe it was for the mothers with morning sickness. She is friends with the IBS goddess too.

Deverra, Goddess Of Midwives And Women In Labor

This is for the mothers giving birth, but with extra insurance that the midwife knew what she was doing. Cool, I get what they are doing here.

Edesia, Goddess Of Food, Who Presided Over Banquets

Of course, who else do the event coordinators at the Red Lion Inn thank at the end of a successful, 75-person, middle management, office awards ceremony?

Epona, God Of Horses

What??? Where the fuck did they come up with horses?

Fabulinus, God Of Children

I get it.

Hespera, Goddess Of Dusk

I think this sounds like the worst goddess job, because you will always be working. I bet this is like the entry-level-goddess job. This is where most goddesses start, but they have to prove themselves before working into middle-goddess management. If they don’t, they won’t get promoted to a horse or gluten goddess, or even to child delivery goddess—even though it has always had a high turnover rate.

Hippona , Goddess Of Horses

Again? Why more horse?

Libitina, Goddess Of Death, Corpses And Funerals

That sounds exciting—I bet our goddess is sitting in a CSI crime lab right now.

Pomona, Goddess Of Fruit Trees

Also, an entry-level position.