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Green Room Diaries: What Weed Needs

by Stoned Cold Sativa Awesome

It’s been, like, a grip since legalization. Or, maybe a bit? Possibly a minute. Either way, shit’s been legal for long enough, that we shouldn’t have to keep pretending it’s not gonna stay that way. In Oregon, at least, we like to see ourselves as progressive. I mean, vegan strip clubs and gun-toting, married lesbians? I fucking love this place. But, it’s not quite up to par, when it comes to cannabis. Here are a few things that any "legal" state needs, with Oregon being the most likely pick to lead the way.

Marijuana Strip Clubs Need To Happen

Folks like to bring up the sheer amount of strip clubs in Oregon, but too many of us take for granted the fact that we have the best (read: most relaxed) laws in the nation. Even in Las Vegas, you’re not gonna get full nudity and shot glasses in the same place (within city limits). In Portland, on the other hand, it’s no accident to encounter full-on, two-girl, sex shows offered alongside Long Island Iced Tea and rare steak. This is the America we will get, if Trump ever makes good on his "making great again" promise (don’t worry—he won’t).

"Recreational" Limits Need To Be Eliminated

I am a huge fan of not taxing cancer patients for their medicine. Yes, we need to keep the OMMP program intact and medical marijuana should not be governed by the OLCC (this statement deserves its own section, but there’s really not much else to say...we need an OMCC instead, as drunks are quite different than stoners). Still, what’s the point in limiting THC content and/or quantity for "recreational" patients? What kind of "recreation" do you think folks are looking to have??? "Let’s get not-that-fucked-up and pass out early" is not something that folks suggest to their friends, before hitting an outdoor music festival. Why should the uber-strength good shit be reserved for sick people? When I was, like...16 years old, my buddies and I asked bums to buy us bottles of Everclear every single weekend—one pint of that shit can kill an elephant. Even a pink one. If pure alcohol is available at Bob’s Liquor & Guns, why the fuck can’t a person get fucked up properly off of weed-infused ice cream? If anything, legal "recreational" cannabis users are just gonna eat more gummy bears and dab more wax, in order to get a good head rush.

Edibles Need To Be Semi-Regulated

Speaking of medibles and gummy treats, "eat half and then see how you feel" is never a good suggestion—not for food, not for pussy and definitely not for weed-infused snack treats. The side of the regular-ass, THC-free Teddy Grahams box suggests that a serving size is exactly twenty-four edible bears. This is a product designed for the broke, unhealthy and poor, but it still finds a way to be like "here’s what you’re eating, you unhealthy piece of shit...slow down, or you will go overboard." So, why is it, that a bag of edible, cannabis-infused teddy bears, i.e. drugs, are given a serving size of "one to twenty pieces," which contain "about" and/or "up to" and/or "at least" X grams of THC? Dollar Tree snack food? Here’s a federally mandated list of ingredients—complete with instructions. Gummy bears that get you too fucked up to drive? Meh, how about "this many" and we go from there? For fuck’s sake...label the goddamn weed treats as if they were being sold in a grocery store.

Cannabis Needs To Be Normalized In The Media

There are Netflix documentaries featuring toddlers who cuss while describing how they murdered their parents for heroin. This is seen as fine, upstanding entertainment. But, aside from Weeds (which is just as guilty of making potheads look bad as Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke), cannabis in the media is either portrayed alongside dumbass manchildren, or it’s the subject of an overly dramatic exposé on the underground marijuana industry. We need more than Adam Sandler and Discovery Channel, when it comes to weed-ertainment. What’s wrong with showing a sitcom couple lighting up a joint and passing it around, like a bottle of wine (shout out to That ’70s Show for almost making this happen)? Fred and Barney used to take cigarette breaks. The most memorable sitcom from the ’80s is about people in a bar, named after the bar and filmed in a fucking bar. Just once, I want to see a character light up a blunt and have it not be incorporated into the scene, outside of being a vehicle to keep an actor’s hands busy. But, for some reason, cannabis still gets an "R" rating. Speaking of blurred-out pot leafs...

Dr. Dre Needs To Release Detox

What the fuck are we supposed to listen to while getting high, huh? Kendrick Lamar is fine and Outkast never gets old, but come on, Dre. It’s been, what, fifty years since you released 2001? I’m bad at math, but whatever...new Dre would be amazing. The last time he released a full-length album, weed was still illegal. Rapping about rolling up indo in public was controversial, for fuck’s sake. Bouncing off my last point (regarding mainstream media accepting cannabis), a Dre album comprised of lyrics that don’t entirely revolve around weed would be, well, cool as hell to listen to while really high. The Doc would have to either act like weed’s not that cool, opting for harder drugs to embrace instead...or, he’d just have to rap about going to CVS and the gas station. Either way, I’d recommend a sativa-dominant hybrid strain to accompany Detox, if it ever drops.