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It’s Time To End The "Sexy" Halloween Costumes

by Molly Bourke

Okay, before you string me up by my dick, hear me out: I am not, under any circumstances, saying that people should stop being sexy during Halloween. I’m not even in the vicinity of that thought, actually. I’m a straight, red-blooded man, who loves the female form (and also loves Halloween). All your other holidays don’t mean shit, in fact—Halloween is the king. So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me tell you what I mean. Think about this scenario and see if it fits your life...you’re going through the store, looking for costume inspiration. Maybe you’ve got your idea, but you need some makeup or fake blood that looks like watery raspberry jam, because you don’t give a shit about quality, you pig. I’m sorry, let me reel that back in. So, you’re looking and looking and you can’t seem to find what you need. But, what do you see? Well, you see the Jason Voorhees, Freddy and Michael Myers masks, of course. Perhaps you run across a troll or a goblin and some witches hats, yeah? But, then, you look and you see them…the "sexy" costumes. Sexy nuns, nurses, firefighters, zombies, demons, slashers, construction workers, teletubbies, care bears and…wait, what? Okay, maybe a couple of those were bullshit. But, you know what isn’t bullshit? They have "sexy" Disney and Nickelodeon costumes. I’m not kidding, even in the slightest; you can search for it yourself. And, therein lies my issue, everyone. I’m a very sexually liberal person. I’ve got my kinks and I’m not afraid to show them. I’ll go to a BDSM party and participate fully. I’ll hit up the local orgy and we’ll have a hole-filling fun time. Sex is NOT taboo to me and, if I’m being honest with myself, I love a good, appropriately sexy costume on Halloween. But, with great tits and dicks comes great responsibility. Halloween is a holiday I hold dear to my cold, black heart. The darkness and mystique of a holiday based around the occult has always interested me. But, All Hallows’ Eve has a sugary side, that involves the whole family. To me, these are two separate holidays. You have the real, adult Halloween and you have the fun-for-the-family Trick Or Treat holiday that we all grew up on. The issue comes when the lines bleed together and form this weird, over-sexualized grey area that we’ve wandered into. You can call it "When Being Woke Attacks," if you’d like. As a society, we need to scale back the holiday and separate the two sides. As adults, I want your sexy costume. I want your Brassiere-Busting Dominatrix calling me a worm. I want your Bride Of Frankenstein making my knees weak. I want that sexy-as-fuck Morticia Adams to sweep me off my feet. I want all that and more. But, here’s the thing: I’m a 34-year-old adult man. That’s my lane. That’s my crew. Those are my people. We don’t have kids around. We don’t have families around at our parties. We’ll rock that shit at our parties under our roof or at our strip clubs. That’s the line I’m talking about. There is a clear separation of where that stuff should go. Unfortunately, we’ve hit a point in sexual openness, where all that shit I talked about above, is flaunted without regard to any message we may be sending to both our daughters and the companies that make these costumes. So, you may ask yourself what the answer is. What do we do, to reel this back and let both families and adults enjoy the most taboo of holidays? To me, it’s simple: if you’re making a sexy costume, don’t make one that kids could wear. If you are thinking "maybe," then err on the side of caution and call it a "no." And, keep the sexy costumes out of the stores where they sell kids costumes or, at the very least, put them behind the closed doors of a room that only adults can go into. Like, the old, porn-filled back rooms of video stores you tried to sneak into as a kid. Those were the days! Fuck me, I’m old. The point is, quit making these costumes so accessible to kids. They don’t need to dress as a Sexy Snow White or a Sexy Belle. You can, because you’re an adult and your Sexy Cinderella is probably hot as fuck. But, you should be getting that at Taboo, not Party City, you feel me? And, while I’m on my nipple-tasseled high horse, let me say that maybe we shouldn’t be making a sexy version of everything. You wanna be a sexy nurse or librarian, so be it. Those are pretty run-of-the-mill roleplaying costumes. But, maybe we should just steer clear of making a sexy version of any literal children’s character or a character that’s marketed to kids. We have a lot of sexy to go around. Let’s not make a holiday that revolves around occultism creepy, okay?