Left Behind: Why I’m Done Apologizing For Being A Conservative

Scum. Deplorable. Nazi. All of these words can be used to describe type of person who hates someone else based solely on their beliefs. Since I believe that most progressives are smart, capable, intelligent people who probably share more in common with me than not, I am going to explain to them why they should feel the same about me.

There Is A Difference Between A "Conservative" & A "Fundamentalist"

Surprisingly enough, most of my conservative friends don’t care who marries who, what happens behind closed doors, what people do with their bodies or who swaps fluids— these are things that fundamentalists tend to focus on, along with banning books and endorsing archaic concepts of the afterlife. The reason these two groups are often confused, is that there are approximately zero progressive fundamentalists. Fundamentalists will always side with conservatives, but the same is not true in reverse (most conservatives are actually not fundamentalists).

For instance, progressives are pro-abortion, because they feel it is immoral to limit a woman’s reproductive rights, while fundamentalists are anti-abortion, because they feel it is immoral to limit the rights of a fetus. Now, as a conservative, I care about one thing and one thing only: what is the cost to society and the individual? This is not a moral judgment, but rather, one based on a conservative estimate of a socioeconomic situation. If government- funded access to abortion services can be shown to reduce the birth rate of children who would do more damage to society than not, I’m all for it. If, on the other hand, abortion is shown to be a sloppy replacement for birth control that leads to a destruction in the family unit on a large scale—one that would be of detriment to society as a whole—then I’m going to default on the conservative side.

Logically (not morally), a conservative would usually argue that, in most cases (rape and incest excluded), abortion is not as desirable to a society as adoption is. However, I also feel that, as a conservative, the population explosion is not sustainable. I also don’t believe on infringing on a woman’s option to do whatever she wants, on her dime, to her body. Meanwhile, a progressive would argue that not funding abortion for any reason is disrespectful to the individual rights of women and the fundamentalist will stand outside a clinic and shame rape victims. I fall somewhere in between abortion-as-entertainment and women-are-going-to-hell, but not close enough to either side to justify a stance. Hence, a "conservative" is just that—conservative. "Safe, legal and rare." Like Hillary said abortion should be.

Yet, most progressives reading this are instantly taking offense to the idea of a middle ground between free third-trimester abortions and chastity belts. Which brings me to my next point...

Progressives Take Everything As A Personal Attack

Even as a white, male conservative, I am able to scroll through the typical left-leaning news outlet and shrug off the bulk of implications that white people are inherently evil, all men are rapists and Republicans are bigots by nature. This is not due to some imaginary system of power that is granted to me by fascists working at Patriarchy, Inc., nor is it part of some "privilege" that would become clear if I only tapped into the collective guilt of white dudes everywhere. I understand that men are pigs, so I strive not to be a pig. I get that white folks can be racist, so I avoid country music and similar triggers. And, then I move on. The bottom line is that, as a conservative, I don’t take anything as a personal attack, if it doesn’t apply to me. I watch The Daily Show host joke about how white men in power are shitheads and I laugh. I listen to that Dr. Dre song about "all you white motherfuckers and how we’re gonna pay and I turn it up because it’s a great song. Who cares? It’s not directed at Matt Rose. On the same token, black conservatives laugh at racial jokes made at their expense on South Park and SNL. The reason that the left can’t meme, is because humor requires self-deprecating awareness, mixed with risk-taking challenges against the dominant paradigm.

How did the right become the new source for comedy? Well...

Conservatives Adapt, While Fundamentalists & Progressives Protest

Quoting (but, not speaking for, which is a progressive phenomenon that we will tackle in a second) a Latino conservative who was watching the election results last year with me, "I’m glad my family came over here before this asshole got elected. Thank god we got our papers." The nuance here, is that, upon seeing a potential threat to his groupbased identity, my buddy noted how his family took agency against a potential hazard. Condoms, health insurance and seat belts are also "conservative" in this way. Should I, in theory, be able to bareback a prostitute on the freeway without the interruption of a seat belt? Sure. Will I? Probably not, until we expand the lanes on the I-5.

Contrast this with the current discussion regarding sexual assault, as being framed by progressives. We all feel that women should be able to safely walk down a dark alley after the bar closes, drunk, wearing fuck-me pumps and singing Journey songs to the creepy hipster from class. Morally, I’d even argue that fundamentalists agree. See? We all agree on how we feel. However, the reality of the matter is that, in densely populated urban areas, it is generally not a good idea to do this. By even suggesting this to be true, it paints me as some sort of slut-shaming rape apologist who lives on a steady diet of Limp Bizkit and Mountain Dew. Progressives propose that men everywhere (including the white-van-driving, just-got-out-of-jail-on-atechnicality, high-on-PCP variety) should just take some college courses on consent and meditate on feminism for a few terms. Then, "toxic masculinity" will disappear and we will all live as one in a giant pile of consensual hugs. Fundamentalists believe that women are objects and can prevent rape by remaining barefoot in the kitchen.

I disagree with all of these approaches; as a conservative, I believe that rape is morally wrong, as well as a real threat that is hard to predict and is often done at the hands of a friend or associate. Therefore, women should be encouraged to take self-defense (not yoga) classes and the length of their dress should be just long enough to conceal a small .38 or similar firearm. Which of these scenarios sounds the most reasonable? Which would get be a thirty-day ban from the Buzzfeed comment section?

This brings us to our final point, that being...

Progressives Are More Bigoted Than Conservatives

Websters defines racism as "a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race." That second part, yeah, we can go ahead and give that one to the fundamentalists. Bigots believe that their race is better at everything, while pop culture, sports, cuisine and fashion trends prove otherwise. However, let’s deconstruct that first part, where racism is implied to be "the primary determinant of human traits." Who does this sound like? To me, I am reminded of every college professor who explained "white privilege" to a mixedrace classroom full of people, who were going thousands of dollars into debt in order to gain a societal advantage over those who opted not to pursue higher education.

The feminist book stores and vegan ice cream stores taking over black neighborhoods aren’t being run by conservatives. While black leaders stand behind podiums, declaring ,"We must overcome," white progressives butt in to say, "Actually, like, you probably can’t and it’s my fault...I really apologize. Can I touch your hair?" I call bullshit. Further, by co-opting struggles, identities and life experiences from every single group they claim to speak on behalf of, progressives are just as guilty (if not, more so) of the "cultural appropriation" and "privilege" they claim to oppose. Feminism stole Affirmative Action from black people. This is why the suburbs are safer than the projects.

Conservatives See The Potential In People

"Because you’re black" is, unarguably, a racist statement, when referring to one’s societal condition. The white savior complex, as seen with the Native Americans and African American slavery (courtesy of fundamentalists), continues today in the form of what we call "the soft bigotry of low expectations," which differs from slavery-era assumptions regarding black people in that it is done with a smile, by progressives. Headlines that say "Math Is Racist" or "Physics Is Sexist" are euphemisms for "blacks and women are dumb." As a conservative, I disagree that non-white, non-male people are incapable of reaching any goal that they strive to.

Let’s say that you have a competition of any variety, whether it be a game of football or a competition to see who’s the most oppressed (I can’t think of any other progressive sports). Team Privilege is playing on their home turf. When Team Minority is playing against Team Privilege next week, there are two options. The first, is to cancel the game entirely because there is no way Team Minority can win. This falls under the "soft bigotry" category. The second, more viable angle, is to get a good coach for Team Minority and a third-party system of measurable rules (read: not theories proposed by liberal professors) that prevent Team Privilege from rigging the game. Once these measures are put into place, Team Minority has a shot. However, if it turns out that Team Minority still isn’t winning, the solution is not to handicap Team Privilege; the solution is for Team Minority to train twice as hard and for audits to be made to ensure that equal opportunity is always given to all teams. On the other hand, equal outcomes would require that the game be rigged or the results manipulated, which is something that conservatives oppose. In short, we acknowledge that systemic discrimination exists, but we’d rather elevate those who are disadvantaged by it, as opposed to punish those who benefit from it. The irony is that "progressives" aren’t big fans of progress. And, when Team Privilege finally loses...

Conservatives Can Admit Fault, While Progressives Deflect Accountability

Thomas Sowell, conservative academic, once said, "It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong."

Throwing piss into the wind and expecting not to get a golden shower in return, is impossible. Yet, that’s what progressives do when they make the leap from fighting for the disenfranchised to re-writing history to pander to the disenfranchised. Since progressives double down on their misinformed beliefs, any study that finds "gender roles are a mixture of nature and nurture, with rare biological exceptions that produce people who should be treated with respect" is translated as "everything is a social construct, the terms ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ are sexist and anyone who disagrees is a bigot." The term "pregnant woman" is now offensive, because trans men can get pregnant, too. Children are taught not to use gender identifiers. All of this, for one to two percent of the adult population. Further, none of this benefits the actual trans adult who has already experienced the extremes of their situation (and will only face greater amounts of discrimination and bullying, thanks to a steady stream of accusations of "transphobia" being thrown in the face of old ladies who complement a stranger’s daughter for being pretty). Further, children have no concept of the reasoning behind gender identity. Sure, babies as old as a few hours are already expressing gendered behaviors, but we haven’t decided to teach sex education to toddlers yet, have we? Fuck. It appears we have.

Once the house of cards tumbles down due to a lack of logic and reason, it is the progressives, not conservatives, who will be left to clean up the mess. I’m a conservative. I respect Muslims, Jews, atheists, the entire LGBT spectrum, women, the basic freedoms outlined in our nation’s instruction manual and, in regards to those things I do not yet agree with, I am willing to listen and be moved by logical arguments that I feel will not result in a loss of the greater, societal good. This does not make me a "nazi," nor does it make me a "racist," nor does it make me a "transphobic, sexist bigot." However, I’m so fucking used to those terms that they no longer carry any weight. So, should one of my peers express actual bigotry, prompting me to speak out against it, I will be crying "wolf," thanks to the over-saturated market for such claims. When everything is racism, everything is homophobia, everything is rape, everything is systemic discrimination...it means that these words will no longer carry the same weight. To that, the only solution is to be, well, "conservative" with them.

Send any and all hate mail to MattRoseWriter@ gmail.com. The opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Exotic.