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Tales From The DJ Booth: Why Strippers Will Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

by DJ HazMatt

It’s coming...very, very soon. The end is near. No, I’m not talking about Bitcoin (we still have a few more months of dumb money to fuel the bubble). Rather, I mean the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Okay, I know it’s old hat at this point, but so are concepts like "resources" and "retirement." My generation knows how we’re going out. Why do you think I dress as Negan every year for Halloween? But, aside from baseball- bat-wielding madmen, there is one group that will likely outlast all others, should the "Thriller" video become a real thing—strippers. Here’s why...

Strippers Are MacGyver-Level Experts At Life Hacks

Broken nail? Hair in a knot? High heels uneven? Cool. Get Sapphire some duct tape, a toothpick and some gauze—she’ll have you fixed up in no time. Let me ask you customers something: in all your years of enjoying up-close-and-personal interactions with totally naked women at strip clubs, have you ever seen a tampon string, a pimple or a booger? Don’t get it twisted— strippers aren’t perfect, they’re just good at improvising. Trim the string, foundation the pimple and keep that coke nail on point. Bam.

If anyone can make a weapon out of a box of cigarettes, some gum and an empty can of Four Loko, it’s a stripper. Forget medical coverage during the zombie apocalypse—all you need is the right dancer, some Xanax and a cup of rubbing alcohol. How does she do it? I don’t fucking know. But, does it matter? Making a compass out of a coke straw isn’t something they teach in Boy Scouts. Just accept that strippers got this, yo. Trust Cinnabonita, when she tells you that the car isn’t dead—just in need of some Borax and whipped cream.

Strippers Can Operate In Limited And/ Or Unconventional Clothing

Aside from stray dogs and crackheads, no one will be able to weather the weather in a cold-ass, broken-heater, no-powergrid- having world (unless they trained by living in Detroit, MI, in which case they are already familiar with the things I mentioned at the beginning of the sentence). Yet, I’ve seen strippers finish an entire dab cartridge, outside, in the freezing weather, wearing nothing but Fedora Joe’s coat and some thong sandals. While oce workers are busy bitching about how air conditioning is a function of the patriarchy, dancers walk half naked, up Burnside, in January—just for fun. In fact, I’m convinced that 98% of pizza sales that occur during Portland’s winter months are due to Kit Kat and Union Jacks dancers crossing frozen pavement, stepping over bumsicles and managing to do it all in heels, just for a slice of pepperoni.

Do you honestly think that the Carharttdependent yuppies and their free-spirit Burning Man tents will survive a single day of the apocalypse? Fuck no. In fact, the first place to go is L.A. Then Florida. I’m fine with this. But, if you want to survive the cold, damp reality of Last Of Us: IRL Edition, you need to be ready to do so while wearing the skins of dead animals. Now, the first option is to start shopping at K-Mart and get used to the fabric they sell—this will prepare you for sub-zero temperatures. But, most people don’t have access to a K-Mart. In fact, most KMarts will be raided within the first few hours of Trump telling the world he’s sorry and that ZombieCorp Warner AOL Bath Salt DrugTech shouldn’t have been appointed to run the new healthcare plan. Therefore, your best bet is to start dressing like a stripper today. Make your own clothes. Let them get damaged over time. Then, continue to wear them., while ice skating...drunk. Do this enough and you will be dancer- ready for any climate.

Strippers Know Where To Hide

After-hours clubs. Basement bars. The room where the owner keeps the safe. None of these locations are marked on the map, regardless of whether or not you’re playing Zombie Survivor or Zelda: Lap Dance Of Time. However, if the regular world is a GameStop pre-order, strippers already have the DLC. The taco shop that stays open late, that pizza place on Division, record stores that still sell hash pipes...every one of these locations can be unlocked by a popularenough dancer. I mean, these chicks spend all shift listening to dudes who want to appear as if they are "in the know," and although a lot of this is bullshit, I’ve never been to an after-hours club without first asking directions from a half-naked woman—most strippers possess an autism-level database of information, from talking to intoxicated hipster informants, day in and day out. So, once the zombie apocalypse poses a threat, call a stripper. Ask her where to stay, how to get there and what the password is. Chances are, this place will have cheap vodka, a pool table and a dog named "Butters" roaming around. Tip the bouncer, just in case the zombies show up. The average Joe Shithead off the street will be busy roaming around an abandoned shopping mall, while you enjoy booze from a red cup in the company of half-naked women.

Strippers Can Re-Populate A Barren Planet Quickly

There is a misconception about industry people (not just dancers—I’m talking DJs, bouncers, bartenders and anyone else who surrounds themselves with sex all day), in that folks think strippers are, by nature, whorish or slutty. Now, there is nothing wrong with being whorish or slutty. However, I’ve dated several co-workers and, trust me, the last thing a stripper wants to do, after eight hours of bullshitting with regulars, is attempt a candle-lit, romantic interlude over a glass of wine, next to the fire.

The reality is, we (industry folk, dancers included) often treat sex like a quick workout—something that needs to be done, but requires no fluff, showmanship or otherwise sexindustry- associated sentiment. If you want to be seduced, date a librarian. If you want to get yourself and your partner off in a matter of minutes, while watching Shameless and organizing your cell phone contacts, date a dancer or a DJ. It’s not that we don’t like sex—we’re just in the same class of, say, cooks who get off work and go directly to Taco Bell or bartenders who drink Pabst at home.

Hence, if you need to get a lot of fuckin’ done, quickly and eciently, you’re not gonna wanna roam the wastelands with hopeless romantics and prudes. Plus, strippers are attractive, so the future generation will be a beautiful, homogenous mix of races, hair colors and tattoos. Every woman will end up looking like a punk rock Tyra Banks. Fuck yes.

Strippers Can Always Find Drugs

Okay, this one may be generalizing a bit—I’m just keeping it real. Not all (or, even most) dancers do drugs. I have to type that, in order to keep my job. So, with that out of the way, your average dancer could be in Utah, in the middle of February, attending a Mormon convention and still find good weed. If there’s one Mormon who grows Bubba Kush in his attic, Destinee Precious can track that dude down.

So, it only makes sense that if you want to get lit during a zombie apocalypse, you’re gonna want to keep ties with your stripper friends. Which dispensary has yet to be raided? Where are the good outdoor growsites? Why did my daughter try to eat my flesh? Questions like these will help you keep you focused and relaxed, while roaming the land for scraps. Hell, the scraps might even taste good, if you’re high enough.