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Green Room Diaries: Love & Weed

by Stoned Cold Sativa Awesome

I finally did it. I got the number of the cute chick that works at the dispensary and we’ve been dating for at least a few weeks (unless I really, really fucked up before this magazine hit the press). What’s odd, though, is that both of us are what most would consider "normal," in terms of where we land on the stoner scale—neither of us have dreadlocks, wear tie dye or listen to reggae (at least, no more than most Oregonians). For me, this is a first on many levels; with the exception of casual flings and disposable connections, I’ve never really dated someone that can hold their own, when it comes to weed. Both of us have jobs, interests that require motivation and even social circles that consist of folks who don’t smoke weed. How do I see this playing out? Well, here are a few areas, where I see the positive in dating someone who consumes as much OG Kush as I do...

Who Cares About Weed Breath?

I used to smoke cigarettes. That shit was disgusting. I can’t kiss a tobacco smoker anymore, unless I’m drunk (and, as we all know, that’s the same as rape). But, I don’t get the "your breath tastes like weed" complaints that I’ve received from past lovers who don’t blaze. What does weed breath taste like? Tea? Skunk? To me, it tastes like cotton and the flavor of whatever soda I’m enjoying. Smelling like weed, sure, I can see where that’s problematic. But, checking oneself for weed breath is something that I’ve never figured out how to do. Thus, I have no problem swapping oral fluids with another weed smoker, nor does it lead to requests that I go gargle some mouthwash. We can share dabs, joints, edibles and even dayold Applebee’s, all without the need to apologize for our stoner breath.

Sleeping With Each Other Is Often Literal

In recent years, my sex drive has increased like the price of Bitcoin—with fewer crashes and minimal restriction from foreign markets. But, what has not increased, is my ability to operate on minimal sleep. I’ve slept through job interviews, anniversaries, two earthquakes and god only knows what else. I put sleep somewhere between freedom of speech and the right to fresh air. In fact, if given the choice between an all-night sex session that costs me a night of sleep and ten hours of uninterrupted napping, I’m gonna opt to crash and hope for wet dreams. So, it’s extremely awesome to be dating someone else who feels that staying home and saying "to hell with plans" is not only an option, but a virtue. Sleep is a delicacy, like a strong Indica with lasting effects. Sharing a "fuck it" day with someone whose ass you don’t mind palming is heaven.

You Won’t Move Too Fast

The major differences between the average drunk fling and a weed date are about two visits to Planned Parenthood, a morning of regrets and at least one verbal altercation with your one-night stand’s boyfriend, outside the tap house the next night. I speak from experience. Now, with weed-friendly courtship, you’re both hella paranoid that the other one might not feel the same way. This leads to watching at least two seasons of Black Mirror, while moving back and forth between first base and the dugout. I’m not saying that stoners can’t be as freaky, slutty or kinky as the rest of us, but marijuana doesn’t exactly turn someone into a whore-nado of regrettable sex. Plus, when you finally do get down to it, weed makes sex last longer (for men, particularly, it takes longer to orgasm when baked).

Dates Can Be Boring, Inexpensive And Awesome

When not at least mildly intoxicated with a nice Sativa-dominant hybrid, I find it hard to interact with the female gender. This leads to first dates full of expensive distractions like expensive dinners, theme parks or nightclubs. Aside from Sinferno or Hive, I really don’t hit a lot of clubs and I don’t like shelling out money for movie tickets. However, when I’m dating another stoner, we can sit around for hours playing Playstation, then take a small hike or even a drive to the beach, which ends up being just as fun as any "typical" date activity. And, when we do decide to go out into public and pretend to not be high, it’s all giggles and smirks. Anything that normies consider "boring" is made better with weed (this is a fact). Further, I don’t ever plan on having kids, but you can bet your ass that if the condom breaks and the clinic is closed, my little minions and their dance recitals will be enjoyed while blunted to the max.

If It Gets Boring, Just Switch Strains

What happens when the same old, same old gets to be too routine? Well, just change it up from Girl Scout Cookies to OG Kush. Relationship getting boring? Switch from Indica to Sativa. Does your man talk too much? Give him some Chem Dawg and watch him shut up. Is your girl getting anxious about going out? Fill her lungs up with some Blueberry Diesel. For every problem in life, there’s a strain of weed. Compare this to a typical, alcoholdriven relationship, in which case it’s just a long cycle of fight, fuck, rinse, repeat... marijuana is clearly the better choice.

So, there you have it, a few ways that pot can make your relationship extremely enjoyable, and if things go sour, completely forgettable.