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Jonas Does Portland: Single On V-Day In The Real City Of Sin

by Jonas Barnes

Here’s a little backstory about me, loyal readers: my roots are based in Portland. I was born on your streets. My mother survived on your dance stages—we lived in your doorways. I am, perhaps, more "Portland" than most of you could truly claim. Since then, I’ve lived all over the country and have now landed in NYC, to chase my comedy dreams. I moved to NYC with my then-girlfriend, whom I met in Portland. In fact, Valentine’s Day was actually our anniversary. Our relationship began one fateful Valentine’s night, at Casa Diablo, full of whiskey and vegan food—a night that eventually took us to NYC. This isn’t a sad sack, somber piece. People change and that crazy, talented woman will always have a piece of my heart. But, now that we’ve ended our "Bonnie And Clyde Of Comedy" relationship, I’m faced with a dilemma: being single on Valentine’s Day. In NYC, I’ve got it easy, because I can do ANYTHING here. This city is an endless vortex of activity. Most of you are in Portland, though, so I’m here to take you on a singles journey, through one of my favorite cities on the planet, during the biggest consumer-driven, bullshit holiday there is.

Let’s get the most obvious one option of the way: strip clubs. Go to the strip clubs, guys! Don’t be a fucking baby about it. Go and spend your money on ladies that are literally giving up their Valentine’s Day for YOU to have a good time! A couple rules to remember, though, since desperation may be thick. First and foremost, keep your hands to yourself. You’re not taking them home. They don’t owe you shit. You’re going to get attention and they’re providing a service. So, keep your hands to yourself. Also, enjoy yourself and don’t be a cock about it—no sadness, just happy times and private dances. Got it? Good. My personal recommendations are Casa Diablo, Kit Kat Club, Lucky Devil, Devil’s Point and Mary’s Club (if you want some nostalgia in your life). Enjoy the sins of the flesh!

My next recommendation is going to see a live show. When I say live show, I mean anything that PDX has to offer. Dante’s is a den of sin—every night of the week—so, step into the hallowed halls of hell and see a show. Fire-breathing burlesque dancers and metal music not your thing? Well, shame on you. You can also check out Helium Comedy Club to laugh away the loneliness. If you like your Valentine’s Day a little sleazier, I’d recommend taking your sin-soaked ass to Aladdin Theater for "A Date With John Waters." Go see a drag show in Salem, maybe? Shock yourself outta that comfort zone. Point being: live entertainment is a Portland staple, so take advantage of it.

The final recommendation I have for you is very simple: get laid. Yes, you heard me correctly. Go out to a bar, meet other singles, hit it off with someone, go back to one of your places and fuck each other into a new dimension. You think you’re the only single person on Valentine’s Day? Get all the way the fuck outta here, you self-important asshole! There are SO MANY single people floating around the city. Jump in the pool and get your parts wet. It’s one of the best parts of being single— you can fuck a lot, and lots of other people are looking for exactly that, too. Orgasms bring people together better than most other things. Everyone loves to cum, as it turns out. Who would have guessed? But, wait... maybe you hate bars. Maybe you’re sober. Maybe the sheer thought of going into a sea of drunken desperation causes your gluten intolerance to act up. I get it—the bar scene isn’t for everyone. You’re in luck, though, because you’re in Portland. You ready to step out of the box and nosedive outside of your bitch-ass comfort zone? Are you? I mean, are you REALLY ready? Good. Fuck the bar scene. Go to a swingers club. Yes, you heard me correctly. Swingers clubs get a bad rap for being, gross, for lack of a better term. Well, I can tell you from experience that...some of them are. Luckily, you have me to guide you. My personal recommendation is the former home of "Club Sesso," now known as "Club Privata." The place has rave reviews and is definitely one of the more upscale ones in the city. Remember the basics, though: no means no, always ask first and have some goddamn tact. It’s a flesh buffet, but you still need to be a good person about it. I promise, it will pay off to not be a scumbag.

There you have it, single friends. You’re lucky to live in such a wonderfully free city of sinful delights. Underneath the surface of artisan oxygen bars and hipster beards lies a wonderful, delicious layer of sexual freedom. You’re not alone on this day and once you step outside of your box, you’ll see the light. And, above all, remember that Valentine’s Day really is a bullshit holiday, created to sell chocolate and horseshit Hallmark cards with sappy, flaccid motivational quips, written by some queef in a cardigan. This year, it’s just a Wednesday, like any other week. So, all that shit I mentioned above... go ahead and do all of it, starting tomorrow, so you don’t wallow in your sadness. Go live life and fall back in love with Portland— and, more importantly—yourself.