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Top 5: Parts Of My Campaign Platform

by Brad Cox

I have decided to run for President in 2020. I figure, if anyone can just decide to be President these days, then why not me? I have watched things happen this past year, which I just knew the President couldn’t get away with. Yet, every single time social media exploded (or, half the media lost their fucking minds), nothing happened. Our supreme leader got his way—every goddamn time. So, while smoking several joints back to back, I came up with a plan to take back our democracy— by taking over absolute control of the US government. Here is my totally rad campaign platform...

1) Declare A State Of Emergency

The President can declare a national emergency and this action greatly increases his power. You may be thinking to yourself, how I could generate an emergency (similar to 9/11)? Turns out, if you’re paying attention, there are dozens of reasons one could give, this very second. I ended up deciding to use poverty and violence as my reason. The economic shit show—for the average American—has lead to an increase in crime and, where there is crime, there is violence. It’s a lot like smoke and fire in that way. This is how I will stop congress from shitting all over my progress and making it impossible to do anything useful. In addition, if no one buys that, I could always just say..."something, something, something, terrorism."

2) Extort Money From Corporations

We can all agree that corporations don’t pay their fair share. But, dozens—if not hundreds— of gigantic corporations do business here, in America. I know better than to go too hard in the paint with corps, though. I have seen what they can do to destroy an enemy. I don’t hate money or the successful people who make metric fuck tons of it—I just hate the disparity between the people who have it and the people who don’t. It occurs to me, these corps have a pretty sweet deal here in the US and I don’t want to take that from them. I just want to take three-million dollars from every large corporation that is based in the U.S. (or, does any form of business with us).

In return for their cooperation, I won’t gut the entire tax structure that pays for their yachts. I’ll use that money to fix healthcare, education and infrastructure—creating millions of jobs and making America actually great again.

3) Treat Diplomacy Like It’s Actually Useful

Our foreign relations have been completely ruined in only one year. We have taken the stance of a high school bully and, even before that, it wasn’t exactly going well. Sure, we had a pretty decent eight years with our last President, but everyone knows he was using sleight of hand to get away with bombing the shit out of everyone more brown than him—using drones for God’s sake. I propose we dispense with the fear of calling out world leaders when they are lying. I know that the way politics works, is that all these people lie to each other and everyone seems to pretend to not know (or notice). Why couldn’t the leader of the free world just stand up at the U.N. and say, "No more fucking around, guys. The world is at war and starving, so let’s just clean this mess up and move on."

4) Annex Zombie Homes

There are more empty houses than houseless people in America, by a factor of six to one. I would annex all the empty houses and fill them with people who meet the following criteria: they must not be condemned. They must have a market value of less than twohundred- thousand dollars. They must have been vacant for more than one year. And, finally, they must be in a location where employment and social services are easily accessible. It makes no sense to put houseless people into rural homes, where they won’t have access to bettering themselves easily. Empty homes lower property values for others and generally end up being bad guy clubhouses. Wouldn’t it please most homeowners, to not have to deal with those serious problems when they decide to sell and upgrade?

5) Institute A New Type of Term Limit

While I was smoking weed and thinking of how I could fix our country, it also occured to me that we have a serious flaw in our democracy. For once, I am not talking about the electoral college, although I’d probably get rid of that, too. I am talking about how wildly unqualified and unpopular people can run for a second term and win. I can understand people falling for a gimmick and voting a nutcase in once. But, I can no longer abide these types of leaders getting a second term, because the stupid motherfuckers that voted them in don’t care or believe how bad they are. To solve this problem, I will enact a new law that requires a sitting President to have a national approval rating higher than thirty-five percent. This will safeguard democracy in a few ways. But, mainly, it will ensure that we can limit the damage any one President can do by limiting them to one term.

We’ve allowed ourselves to slide way too far into ruin. Someone has to do something, from the most powerful position in the world to fix it. I don’t care about money or power—I just want to live in the country I was promised and not the dystopian reality we have now. So, make sure to register to vote in 2020 and vote for me, so I can make all your Willy Wonka dreams come true.