Editor’s note: Blazer Sparrow was supposed to submit his column, but he's not returning calls, and his mother phoned us yesterday asking where he was. We assume he's dead. May he rest in piss.

Unrelated, we did receive this barely legible letter written on partially burned gas station toilet paper. It seems somewhat tour-related, so we just decided to run it as filler—hopefully you like it. Forbye, who cares…you still have pages of titties to look at.

Dear Tour Diary,

It’s been six days without non-gas station food or an actual bed to sleep on...

Well, shit, everyone. It’s June. That means I've been writing for Exotic for a whole year now. This month, I'm going to celebrate the occasion by treating myself, as the title suggests, to a little shameless self-promotion. You see, I am, as are countless of my friends and colleagues within the strip club industry, a creative type who is slugging it out—working in nightlife as a means to an end while I seek to bring my creative vision to life. In seven years of bouncer work, I’ve become friends with a dizzying assortment of creative people. Musicians, painters, writers, filmmakers, authors, comedians, clothing designers...it blows me away to think about the kind of talent that resides within my sphere of existence...

If there was anything in this world that I would say I loved more than living itself, it's cheese. I consider cheese to be a magical substance, straight from the gods of the underworld, given to us mortals at the same time as sundried tomatoes. At that point, you were either on board or wrong and eating Satan's sundried tomatoes—nothing against sundried tomatoes, other than they're awful. But I have been Team Cheese my entire life and never plan on changing that. If you don't like cheese, you’re either vegan (you’re wrong), 12 months old or younger (I’m sorry?), or lactose intolerant (they make pills for this, so no excuse.)

At one point, a best friend wrote an entire paper titled "An Ode to Cheese" about her love for our lord and savior, Cheesus. This was of course, complete with hand-drawn pictures and showcased herself eating much cheese. Cheese brings cultures and people together. It’s uses are endless, and so with that, I thought I would write about some fun facts we might not actively know about this mysterious substance...

Death. We all must deal with it. On a long enough timeline, none of us are going to make it out alive. It is an inevitability. Nothing to be despaired, nothing to be celebrated, just a fact of life, such as it is.

However, sometimes we can appreciate the ways in which people depart this Earth. People can meet their end for any number of reasons, and most of the time, those circumstances are rather grim, sad, and unfortunate.

In certain circumstances, though, some individuals shuffle off this mortal coil in ways that baffle or amuse others. The best final gift you could possibly give the world is to pass into the netherworld in a fantastically ridiculous way, sad though it might be.

In this article, we're going to look into some of the most silly ways people have joined the choir eternal...