Meeting the family of your boo, significant other, companion, fun bag buddy you care more for than you’d like to admit to, consort or spouse can be tough. You know, if you went and eloped with your COVID bedmate of the last several months without your family having ever known Jack existed, let alone that you were allowing someone else into your house whilst a pandemic was happening.
What’s more, having your significant other (SO) meet these loving lunatics which you sprouted from, during the holidays, can make things...a touch hectic.
Who does this, you ask? Who would force the person they are regularly getting pleasured from to go into the lion’s den, with practically no armor, other than the one story you gave about that time Uncle Henry made his pet raccoon ride the farm dog? As it turns out, a lot more people than there are couples-after-the-fact. So, let’s get going on some fun ways to make this first meeting get off on the right foot (unlike Uncle Henry, who sorely lost his foot after the raccoon bit his ankle, and long story short, no longer has a right foot). We all still want our SO to be comfortable with us after this, and yeah, we still want the squeezy-squeezy, rub-a-dub happening afterwards, as well. So, let’s get this right!
It should be noted that alcohol is a necessity in making any of the below situations work in your favor—or, to at least give the appearance to yourself that "it’s all working out great!" So, make sure you or your SO are bringing a flask of whatever you have that isn’t schnapps. Schnapps is a dirty, dirty girl that tattles on you quickly.
You have to feel this one out. Families come in all shapes, sizes and religions (which is another topic we will be talking about shortly). If you want your SO getting into your family’s good graces, it might be better that they not be wearing their crucifix necklace when your family are a bunch of "god’s chosen people." I mean...that might be a sore spot for them, still (unless you are trying for the opposite and in a rebellious phase, in which case, let that crucifix shine). Go get weird with it. Have them wear extra crosses, buy a nice set of crucifix earrings, a few crucifix rings and for the whipped cream frosting on top, talking your SO into a crucifix tattoo on the side of their face is always welcome (the forehead is a different thing). Just remember that tattoos are generally permanent, so perhaps just a nice, Sharpie version of this will do. "Hashtag BLESSED," anyone?
You’d think this wouldn’t need to be mentioned. Quite honestly, none of these topics—let alone this article—should have to be written, but you’ve put it upon yourself to be Dick Of The Year™ and force your SO into a situation (or, have somehow "found yourself in this situation" that will either have you both growing and learning from an awkward life scenario and/or simply being defeated), finding yourself speechless after hearing Uncle Hank’s horribly racist names for various mixed nuts. So, here we are.
Make sure that your SO keeps things light. When I say "keep things light," make sure lights are shining down on them as they speak, whenever they speak. This gives an angel-like appearance to what could possibly be a very dreary person (if they took your advice and tattooed a cross on their face, they are probably a very doleful person, indeed).
Have your SO compliment your mother’s "homemade" pie, even though it clearly came from Costco. In fact, have your SO compliment all the food laying out on the table, and let them know your mother loves it when you say things like, "this looks just like the potato salad I get from Costco!" or "I can’t get over how much this pumpkin pie’s crust tastes just like the crust at Costco...way to go, Linda!" Linda will be impressed by her dedication to Costco and will also enjoy having her foods fawned over, believing that your SO truly has been fooled by her lack of cooking skills.
This is a fun one, you guys! So much for a clean break if you screw the pooch on this one, because you’re definitely going to hell after this—or, at least that’s what your SO will be telling you until your last dying breath. A last, dying breath, which will be suspiciously caused by a tattoo gun to the eyeball and various other body parts that are generally kept behind closed zippers and/or buttons, creating the shape of a cross. No, sir, not even Jesus would touch you, if you messed this up. So, let’s just work on getting it right the first time.
Mom is Catholic. Very Catholic. So, let mom be Catholic. No use trying to teach an old dog new tricks, or attempt extending your mom’s point of view, especially at Thanksgiving, where your SO is meeting all of these people for the first time. So, let’s not say things like, "Catherine is a Satanist and thinks organized religion is for sheep, who don’t have the confidence to believe that, in the end, we’re all going to die and the lights are just gonna get turned off. Don’t you, Catherine? She’s so cool."
On the opposite side of things, your parents were both free-loving hippies from the "good ol’ days" of acid, ’shrooms, heroin and a little bit of coke in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. Work? What work??? Definitely no time for church. Then, after this phase, both parents became scientists working on String Theory (or, attempting work on String Theory—that thing can only be worked on so much, before you want to just believe in God and get it over with). Delightful.
So, saying things like, "I’m a Scientologist, now that I’ve met Dwayne. It all just makes sense now. I mean, I really don’t know much about Scientology right now, I just let Dwayne do the thinking for me. He’s better at that stuff. He even put my money into this vault at the church, where he says I’ll make Operating Thetan Level 8 in no time!"
Both of these scenarios are a definite one-way boot out the door with Uncle Hank’s one steel-toed boot. And, you’re not likely to be invited back again, unless the terms and conditions of your relationship with your SO come to a messy end. Remember, the tattoo you told Brenda would be "real hot" on her left cheek? Yeah...payback is a bitch. And, Brenda’s coming in hot.
At the end of the day, the real best solution to all of this is to just NOT HAVE THIS SITUATION HAPPEN AT ALL. Allow your paramour to meet these strange, religious nutbags PRE-holiday season, or at least a few days before the main event. Don’t be the sadistic asshole who just wants to watch it all burn. Following that, though, these tips above should at least assist in keeping everyone above water, literally. It may just keep you from a watery grave.
Hannah is really looking forward to her upcoming tattoo appointment. She can be found in the black abyss of the online world by her name or by bat signal.
