I realized after being mandated to become socially distant that my social skills had seemed to deteriorate. What’s more, I’m now uncertain of where they started at to begin with. I do think it is worth jotting down some helpful tips I’ve picked up over the past few weeks (while things have started opening back up) on how to properly pick up a person in the Pacific Northwest. And as a backup plan, how to just cut your losses and go home to your liquor cabinet (or liquor counter, or table, or couch, or wherever you stash that stuff). Because it seems like saying "Hey, how are you?" and "Hey, I haven’t had intimate contact with anyone in over a year because of social distancing with strangers, wanna chat?" are two very different ways to approach a human being. Who knew?
I will attempt to teach you how to soften up the latter with some sexy eye moves, pouting lips, and wispy hair motions. (If you don’t have hair, you can still do the movement, it’s fine. It’ll just look different.)
For instance, in the beautiful PNW, it seems like anytime you try to look someone in the eyes, the other person takes this as a possible threat, immediately looks another direction, or pretends to idly stare just past your shoulder, and walks right through you as if you were Casper the Friendly Ghost. I used to take this as a personal offense and grumble after the person walked by. But I realized, especially now, that with masks making the eyes the actual window to the soul, I may not have come off as strong as I should have. So here are some helpful tips on how to pick somebody up in the PNW (mask on or off).
If the scenario above is in full swing and the other party is ignoring you, gruffly bump their shoulder, so it doesn’t seem like an accident. Let the other party’s confused glare pierce through your soul as you don’t apologize. Continue staring at them. When they inevitably either shake their head in disgust and leave or whisper obscenities under their breath, tell them you like their jacket (or shirt) and that you just had to see what it smelled like after it rubbed up against you. This is bound to get juices flowing. That’s when you invite them to meet your parents.
Say the weather is exceptionally windy that day (chances are high that the Pacific Northwest’s weatherman can grant you at least five of these days in a week), and you see a cutie on the sidewalk waiting for their to-go order from Portland’s favorite chain, Dutch Bros. You know what they like, something large, sweet, and with a little bit of wild bitterness to it (it’s called old, bad coffee, FYI). You need to provide this visually for this hot slab of delicious human meat (no, do not eat them, IDGAF how attractive Hannibal made it look in that show, cannibalism is off the menu in these tips). Stare fiercely at the victim... I mean conquest, er... whatever, human, person. Stare fiercely, keep staring until they stare back. You may get stared at by other beings while you do this, as staring fiercely for any length of time can look fairly intimidating or life-threatening. This is fine. Keep staring. Once they notice, move those eyebrows up and down if you still have them. If not, wink your eye and mouth the words, "You’re mine," flip your hair violently, and hand the now mortified piece of human your AOL email address on a crumpled up receipt from McDonald’s, that you kept for just this moment, and slap that ass. Yours or theirs. But not both. Never both.
This one is pretty easy. Walk outside in nothing but the birthday suit you were given as a baby. You remember that onesie that mom gave you that one year because "you looked so cute"? Well, now you’ll look more adult and "risqué" in it since, you know, you’ve grown about 3 feet, and several shirt and pant sizes since then. Let your arms and legs fall where they may here. Don’t bother zipping up the thing, because once someone (anyone at this point) makes eye contact with you, immediately start ripping that bad boy off like you were The Incredible Hulk and it was a phone book, run until you stand 6 feet away from that person, and start telling them all of your hopes and fears. They’ll enjoy how open you are in many ways. It’s cute.
Last but not least (since my list was a bit more detail-oriented), when you find someone you have had a genuine conversation with once and would like to continue this into an actual date, invite them out to a fancy restaurant. Invite them out, tell them you will meet them there, and never show up. Wait to see if the person actually shows up; if they do, you know that they were definitely into you for your wads of cash you’ve saved in your shoe (that’s where my three 20s are, anyway...). You don’t want to be taken for a sucker, so you just laugh at the fact that this person has to now either sit alone and eat an expensive dinner by themselves or leave, embarrassed that they took up a reservation at a restaurant for no reason. If they do not show, that’s when you know it’s true love. That’s when you know it’s okay to call them 16 times a day, just to check in. That’s when you can start leaving them cute notes and flowers at their work and in their car and beside their bed because it’s love. Restraining orders aren’t real and for sure will not keep your love on hold.
Aside from these four tips, be you, but extra. You’ll be sure to find the one sooner than later if you just act a little extra...
Hannah One Cup lives life on the bitter side of Portland, hands out free, unwanted love advice, and has graciously collected 13 restraining orders in the last year and a half. If you’d like to be her 14th, feel free to find her on Facebook, or staring at your window.
