Toys. We collected and used them as wee folks when being alive was a joy and not a tiresome slog through existence.
There has been many a curious toy, however, which for some reason—be it safety or public outcry—was removed from our lives, never to be seen again. Yes, when I say that, most people think, "ah yes, those lawn darts," but there is a world of banned toys. Let’s look at some, shall we?
Not ranked in any particular order:
What’s wrong with combining the concept of an inner tube and a kite for kids you’d drag behind a fast-moving boat? Well, nothing, fundamentally. I’m sure that as kids, many of us rode inner tubes down the river or even got towed on them across the lake, as your ass slid wildly with each turn of your uncle’s motorboat while he threw empty beer cans at life itself. It was fun. But imagine that...combined with deliberate aerodynamics, which would gain the inner tube lift and turn it into an airfoil, and hoist your 6-year-old ass off the ground and twenty feet (6.09 meters) into the air? Now don’t get me wrong, this sounds amazing, but apparently, some two people died and 39 injured, and we don’t get to have boat-slung, ghetto parasailing inner tubes anymore. By the way, this wasn’t some abomination from the 1960s when people drank liquor for lunch; this came out in 2006 and was retired shortly after. Who says the 21st century has lost the ability to have fun? Also, to be honest, I’d ride one of ’em, but I believe the weight requirement was like 50 pounds (or 22.6 kilos).
Remember when the zeitgeist of the 1980s included a rather odd obsession with both the Smurfs and the odd-as-fuck Cabbage Patch Kids? Well, these dumpling-faced dolls sort of came and went over a span of about a decade. Their cherubic faces no longer captivating America, the company decided to ask itself: what do kids want? Their answer: a doll that looks the same but which you can feed. This was no slouch, either. There was no requirement to have specific, pre-formed plastic food contoured to fit its specially shaped mouth, though this was provided. You could stick anything into its savage, mechanical, roller-based maw. Anything, provided it was about the size of a cigarette or smaller. This included leftovers, dog food, French fries, or, oops, even your own hair. Once it went in, it wasn’t coming out without a fight. It was withdrawn from the market as late as 1997, and the Cabbage Patch Kids sort of faded from our collective memories.
Yeah, yeah. Someone hucked one at their little brother and stuck a metal dart in his skull, and now we can’t have nice things. I mean, my little brother and I got into a fight with croquet mallets back when everyone’s aunt had a croquet set for reasons which utterly baffle me, but nobody banned those. They should have because actual games of croquet are weapons-grade boring.
This one reaches back a bit to the glorious 1950s, where safety was an afterthought, and anything "atomic" was the vogue. So, what do you do? You give your kid a fuckin’ atomic energy lab with real U-238 included so as to run your own little micro-scale nuclear science experiments. While the consequences of misuse here were...well, cancer and rad poisoning, but I’m sorry, this would have been the coolest shit ever. Ouch, though. It cost fifty 1951 dollars, which is nearly $600 in hyper-inflated 2022 dollars, so damn, that’s like reserved for that kid down the way with the wealthy parents.
A less well-known entry here. These were tiny plastic beads which one would arrange into various patterns using a special, pen-like device, vaguely similar to Lite-Brite. Once you have your pattern ready, you spray it with water, and they stay together. Easy peasy, right? Well, yes indeed...but the little beads were coated in GHB. Yeah, the frat boy date-rape drug. Damn. Research reveals that the Chinese manufacturer cut corners and used a plastic-making process contrary to the design, which has this problem. Color the world shocked. This was 2007, by the way, and, just to reiterate, there was a kid’s toy that literally contained GHB. I am a master of making dumb shit up, and I could not make that up.
One would think this innocuous enough. They’re little dolls shaped like fairies or sprites, having dragonfly-like wings for arms, and you stick ’em on this little base unit with a pull-string on it, and yank that fucker like you’re starting an old Toro lawnmower. Then they spin and subsequently take off like little helicopters. Apart from a hilarious video of one leaving its perch and diving right into a fireplace (which I suggest you look up), they caused over 150 eye injuries and broken teeth. This was in the year 2000, even. They were recalled relatively swiftly.
When you’re six years old and Tina from three houses over asks if you want a tiny cupcake...well, that’s a damn fine tiny cupcake. Not sure why these were recalled a half-dozen times. Apparently, kids got wounded. Not sure how. It’s an oven powered by a 60-watt light bulb. There are things about this world I will never understand. Also, thanks, Tina.
So then, these are all toys that sold publicly and went to ruin or recall. Perhaps, folks are too sensitive or not thick-skinned enough (both are true) for half these toys? There are questions about our nature, our character as humans, which we must address, but in the meantime, let’s not feed the kids GHB—or isotopically pure uranium.
Regards, Wombstretcha.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a sky dancer, lawn darter, inner tube parasailer, Crocodile Mile enthusiast, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, Oregon. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
