I really wanted to make this article more personal than the others because I feel that maybe you guys (the readers) want to know what us folks (the writers) actually do during their months, other than sitting around judging people, getting drunk, and writing for Exotic. We really have it all, the booze, the attention, the ladies and gents, and the money. None of this is in order, and none of it is bragging about how much of any of these particular items we have (I currently have about four bottles of whisky and one nefarious-looking bottle of gin, the rest is private).
Along with all this swag, I personally have invested a great deal of time doing other shit (this is where you say, "What shit do you do!?" all excited like). Well, this is the shit I did this month...read up and quit asking.
Kept nuts in my pockets and started feeding my local murder of crows. Currently, I have two fairly-frequent flyers that will come by whenever I’m taking my dog George out to piss—one that will ALWAYS fly by my head, perch on a branch above, cock his head to the side, shit, caw at me as if to say, "Where the fuck is the nut, lady?" and stare menacingly into my soul. I started arguing back to the crows and telling him to "get down," or "well, get the fuck down to get these nuts, fucker, FUCK!" I shake the nut around to try to coax it down to no avail (yet), drop it when I finally give up, walk George away from the area and watch proudly as my asshole crow picks up the nut, stares back at me, and leaves.
Note that these are uncracked walnuts I purchased from QFC because they were $1.88 a bag. I currently have eight bags of walnuts, so I’m sure I’ll have a murder of crows as my pet soon enough. If anything, I might end up being the crazy bird lady from any number of movies.
Watched really crappy horror movies, and I mean really crappy. When Hulu and Netflix offer my significant other "Things you might enjoy," they base it all off of the fact that his phone most likely heard him talk about Sleep Away Camp or Sleep Away Camp 2. Now, think about what could come of that and then multiply the SciFi channel in the 1990s x 20, and you get the best of the Leprechaun (which is, of course, 5), Gingerdead Man, Uncle Peckerhead, Birdemic...which was argued to be a tribute to Alfred Hitchock’s masterpiece, The Birds. Most can’t handle the pasted-in bird gifs (I think they’re turkey vultures?) and Death Bed, "the bed that eats." Jaws THE REVENGE never popped up, surprisingly. I take this personally.
Found the origin of the bean memes and am still confused. All those groups for "beans in places they shouldn’t be" is honestly one of the most disturbingly low-key sinister things created on the internet. The memes don’t hurt you, but they certainly will keep you up during the night or possibly in the middle of your workday, wondering how long it took that girl to clean the beans out of her crotch. Or, why that man wasted a perfectly good camera by filling it with beans. Or, why someone still wears Crocs and then goes and makes it worse by putting beans in them. I have gone through so many Google searches of "Where did the bean memes originate from" that the first two words in my phone’s auto-fill are now "beans" and "horrible." Also, I now have the answer to what’s really in a can of Del Monte green beans. So, I feel that my month wasn’t a total waste.
(Have this video going on three different tabs simultaneously, for a good time.)
Played Trivial Pursuit Millennium Edition and was surprisingly horrible at it. Dick, my boyfriend (he’ll hate this when he sees it published), and I decided to play this game with our good, very openly-Polish friend, who for some reason has an obsession with trivia. So much so that she has a collection of trivia games, including Trivial Pursuit Seattle, Trivial Pursuit World of Dinosaurs, Nautical Trivial Pursuit, and others that I can’t even begin to remember. She has so many Trivial Pursuit games that she left one at our place for those "whenever I pop by, cuz I’m always going to beat your ass at trivia" moments, and it just happened to be Millennium Edition. Being that we should all mostly know what was going on during this time of our lives, we thought we’d be pretty decent. But, it turns out we all hate sports, and Millennium edition means the entirety of the last 1,000 years’ worth of general knowledge questions asked within TP at the time. So, you better have brushed up on your random facts about 1950s television and presidential hairdressers if you plan on even remotely coming close to finishing a game.
(All of the cards shown were what was gone through in order to win a game.)
So, yeah, that was my month. I feel that letting you, the reader, see a day in the life—or in this case, a month—lets you understand where I come from a bit when writing my amazing articles, which are so amazing and pretty much the best thing since sliced cheese (but not really, because sliced cheese is the best thing since cheese and nothing compares to cheese). I digress... I hope you enjoyed placing yourself in my shoes and feeding the crows. It’s been a pleasure showing you around. If you need a second to play Trivial Pursuit, don’t ask me. But, if you need someone to share some nuts, I might be able to weasel something in. I can be found on Facebook by my name or outside apartment complexes yelling at the fucking crows.
Hannah One Cup can be found on Facebook by her name. She can usually also be found heating up hot dogs for dinner and doing #5. Only contact her if you don’t actually plan on hanging out.
