I was at the gas station two days ago and paid $41 to nearly fill up a 10-gallon tank on my car. You do the math on what that equates to per gallon at that point. Anyway, before being at this particular Chevron, I perused the neighborhood for a good 15 minutes, thinking I could outsmart the system by just a few moments and sneak into a pump before prices increased again. But, alas, no. This was as cheap as it got.
I then started thinking about what this might mean for me in general. Gas goes up, and my groceries go up—I won’t be able to think about traveling anywhere (not that I really...could right now, anyway?). Literally, the only thing I won’t ever compromise on during hard times is the quality of dog food I buy. So, maybe I’ll start eating that. It can’t taste worse than the majority of my poor-ass pantry cooking. "Raw garlic? I don’t have the money for that—just get me the garlic salt." That’s what poor tastes like—Lawry’s seasoning and garlic salt. Maybe some really old Dollar Store paprika, if you’re trying to "travel the world with taste!" since, you know, I can’t afford to travel the world right now.
I already drink bottom-shelf whisky and Coke; I don’t think I can go lower than that. So really, this month has forced me to evaluate why simple things that I’m taking for granted should be considered "pleasures" nowadays. At first, this thought made me extremely depressed. I felt like I was compromising on something I already didn’t have the option to compromise on. Then, I made my dog a TikTok to try to get "TikTok famous" before the old boy turns 10...we have 400 followers. Then, that surge of serotonin ran dry. I then watched a bunch of stupid videos of people eating tons of fried food in one sitting, which really just made me wonder why my dog only had 400 followers and made me more depressed. Then, I watched the episode of Futurama where Fry tries to bring his dog back (best episode and makes me cry the most), then I read a friend’s writing, who quite honestly is about on par in terms of their outlook on most shit in life, and I sank so deep into depression that I really wasn’t sure how I was going to get out.
I did get out, magically, with the help of lots of sleep and cheese and booze. I’m functional, at least. So anyway, here’s to being functional, and here is a list of reasons I came up with to continue living (this month): Everything is only going to get more surreal as time passes. Remember watching the Twilight Zone or any of those 1980s sci-fi movies, or even Star Trek? Well, a lot of the things that occurred in those shows have already happened, and then some. Right now, I’m waiting for pig noses to be the sign of true beauty, since fish lips have continued to grow with time. Let’s just see how distorted we can make our faces. I also want to know how kissing happens when you have said fish lips and pig noses. Will it be more of like, a nuzzle and grunt? Oink oink? I don’t know, but I wanna find out.
I’m supposed to get my bonus from my job this month—but we’ll see. I’m curious how much gas I can buy with it and if it could take me anywhere worth visiting. Like, maybe...Idaho? I mean, I like potatoes. And that honestly might be the furthest my money will get me at this rate. But really, I do love potatoes, so this isn’t a bad thing to look forward to. I should start planning my trip...
The crows I started to feed are actually actively following me—and I’m waiting for a full-on murder of crows to be at my back whenever I walk my dog, George. I want the sky to be black and for people to fear me as they walk my path, right after saying how cute my dog is. All I need is two pocketfuls of walnuts to toss along the way. Like Hansel and Gretel, but I’m not leading them to a furnace. And I’m also not lost. So, not at all like Hansel and Gretel. More like crazy lady feeding crows, hoping for friendship in return and nothing more. That’s more better.
My dreams have been extremely active lately—and I’m just waiting to see if I follow through with any of the death threats I’ve been giving to someone named "Emily" in my sleep. I also want to make sure I’ve figured out that threatening to punch them is not the same as kicking my leg out of bed. Gotta get that hand-eye coordination down before I go take care of Emily. But when and if it happens, you better know I’ll go down with a fight—and eyes closed because I’ll probably also be sleep-walking. Anyway, please watch the news for anything that sounds vaguely familiar to this, because I might need some bail money—my dog isn’t famous yet, and no one has decided to give me money just because.
I made my dog a TikTok—as I had mentioned above—and I really want to see if I can get him famous by his 10th birthday, this September. Really no good reason, other than I think the videos I post of my dog are more entertaining to watch than 87% of the crap out there. I saw a grandma state her ’red flags’ on Instagram, and it had over 1.2 million views, and I don’t understand why. Is it because she’s old and figured out how to finally be humorous on camera? If so, Jesus, do I have to wait until I’m 85 and still filming to be considered worthy of that many views? Honestly, I don’t even care. Humanity’s brains have been slowly shrinking since they plateaued some time last year, er...maybe it was 70,000 years ago. I don’t remember—time is pointless, as are most people’s opinions and brains.
(Koala brain—future human brain?)
So yeah, these are just five reasons why I’m going to keep trucking along this month. Why I’ll have a reason to wake up and get out of bed in the morning: I’ll rub my eyes, look at my phone updates to see if anyone has converted to being a pig-nosed fish, see if my dog is famous yet, and maybe...just maybe, see that I’m a wanted criminal for that whole "Emily" thing.
Hannah One Cup can be found drinking her cares away at Joe’s, taking videos of her dog to make you people go "awwww" (find George on TikTok: @space.armenian), and complaining that her food isn’t garlicky enough. She needs to remove the blood from her clothes that she mysteriously found this morning. I guess she can also be found on Facebook, by her name, or sleeping in bed. She is also a firm believer in #mentalhealthawareness. Hashtag. Hashtag.
