Truly, everyone has at least 10 minutes of free time in a day. Whether it’s a work break or a day off (I hear some people saying, what the hell is that?), even if it’s not a full day, you have time to blink your eyes open and realize it’s a whole new day to start some fresh bullshit and pretend like you’re going to go start painting the Mona Lisa. Or at least make coffee and scowl at the plants you’re probably going to get to watering the next time you have five free minutes. You’ve already neglected them for two months...what’re another few days? Are they even still alive anymore?
Anyway, let’s get better at that, shall we? I have come up with a short list of things you should try incorporating into your already extremely busy day. If you’re me, and you work from home, getting the wheel rolling is a whole lot harder than it sounds. Apathy is real, and it’s a lie! ADHD, on the other hand, is also real, and there’s medication for that, so go get that taken care of first. Or don’t. Maybe do that on another day you have free. Or at least put it in your phone somewhere for this coming August? Yeah, that sounds about the right time.
These suggestions are generally simple. The problem is that apathy bitch, and that overwhelming feeling of dread and sedation when your list of to-do items grows longer than two. Don’t go back to bed and nap; let’s get you whelmed with energy.
1. Sit in your chair or on your couch at home, and stare at the blank TV screen or wall. Don’t turn that thing on. Once you turn it on, you’re never leaving. All your "free time" will suddenly be gone when you’ve realized you’ve watched six seasons of Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda. (Side note, I wish he was my uncle.)
Sitting and staring at the powered-down television set will make you realize how much time you have spent sitting in front of a screen and how dirty your couch is. In five minutes’ time, or after your coffee or whatever liquored-up drink you’re having, you’ll suddenly see yourself cleaning the couch cushions and finding all sorts of fun things. Coins, pieces of candy from last Halloween, a dog collar you swore you lost (because you don’t have a dog and haven’t had anyone to put it on you lately), a vibrator, and popcorn. Always popcorn or corn nuts. What the hell is up with nuts?
2. Make some soup. Now, this one actually takes some time and ingredients. But honestly, soup is whatever you want it to be, so just throw whatever you have into a pot with some water and salt. It’s going to be fine. Or it won’t be, in which case this gets you out of the house—so, win-win? Either way, while you’re sitting around waiting for soup to do soup things, you now have free time to do something else. Let’s get wild here...
3. Do yoga. While the soup is souping about, put on a Yoga With Adrien: Yoga for the Service Industry. It’s 15 minutes long and well worth the time in front of the TV. Oh yeah, turn the tv on. I know I said to keep it off, but I kind of doubt you did that part, so just switch your TV from Hulu to YouTube, and do this one thing. Then go look up my soup channel and subscribe. I’m kidding. I haven’t started that...yet. I’ll keep you all posted.
4. Go on Groupon and find some cheap activities to try out. I’m going to be honest, I have 20 dollars in Groupon monies sitting there, and I have yet to find something I can get my apathetic ass up to do. But the advice is sound. Maybe try one of those escape rooms or perhaps a cooking class if you’re worried about your soup’s level of poison. Or, you can go play a stupid round of golf? I highly recommend not golfing; it’s so stupid and a waste of geographical space. Two things I think have caused the most damage to this planet are golf and sheep—and I don’t like either one. But if it gets you out of the house, and if you can do it for less than 20 dollars (free is better), then go do it. Whatever gets you away from the nothingness you continue doing with your free time, I will...support, I suppose.
5. Pick up one of the books you have for some reason and try reading a chapter. Sure, this book is probably from when you were in high school or something you borrowed and never returned (because you never read it). But try reading one chapter. If you hate it, put it down and wonder why the hell it’s still in your possession, and go to the bookstore to get a new book to sit around and try to read. Each new book you collect makes you look that much more intelligent and well-read for future mates. Soon, you’ll get some human person to come into your house, and you’ll have a floor of books (because you never bought a bookshelf), and they’ll say something like, "Wow, did you really read Do-It-Yourself Coffins for Pets and People? I found that book super enlightening. I have actually started building a coffin of my own. I can show you sometime."
6. That’s when you tell this person to politely get the fuck out and never come back. That also got you out of having to pretend to know anything about the book or give an answer as to why you have this book to begin with—since we know you won’t pick up coffin building anytime soon as a project, let alone try reading a book on it. I mean, you’re reading a thousand-word article in a strip club or bar. Be realistic, like me. But look what happened? Someone came to your house and commented on your massive collection of six books, sitting on your floor...albeit picking the strangest one to comment on. I’d say it’s about time to eat soup. So, go eat your soup. You deserve it.
7. After the soup is done being eaten, I believe it’s time for a well-deserved break. So go find that vibrator you rediscovered in your couch, clean it very well and enjoy. That, my friends, are seven pretty decent recommendations on what to do with your free time when you have it. Note that not one of these asked you to interact with another person besides telling someone to get the fuck out of your house. Doesn’t that make you warm inside, knowing that you can probably accomplish these things all by yourself?
Hannah One Cup can be found reading about old tractors and practicing toilet paper origami with these new books she found at the bookstore. She’s also in the process of making soup for millions while simultaneously hoping she hasn’t accidentally put poison in it. Sometimes arsenic and olive oil just look the same, am I right? She can be found on Facebook by her name.