So frequently in our lives, there are those occasions where the idea of "blending in seamlessly with the wall so the embarrassment over your drunken texts from last night" will be obscured. But sadly, humans are not great at blending in with one another. In fact, we typically prefer to make individualistic idiocy a competitive sport, at least here in the Western world. There are, however, a vast number of species that excel at making themselves nigh on invisible. Insects, amphibians, mammals, reptiles, fish, that weird rotting leaf over there? No, wait, that’s a...
The Dead Leaf Butterfly is truly a unique creature. When viewed from above with wings spread, these lovely insects look very much like your typical butterfly, as flashy as a cheap pair of sparkly platform heels and just as likely to fall into pieces the minute you try, in vain, to waddle precariously in them. Once they (the butterflies, not the shoes) come to rest and fold their wings into a position of repose, their appearance shifts. Not to prolong the shoe analogy too far, but how nice a pair of fancy sneakers can look on the top; however, if you’ve walked through any Walmart parking lot and then seen the underside of your new footwear, you’ll get where I’m going here. The dead leaf butterfly, once it comes to rest and closes its wings, looks exactly like what it’s named after. Not just being a continuous dull brown but having shades of mock decay, veins, and even smears of faux bird shit to bring it all together. You’d have to be a confident or desperate predator to chomp down on a bird poop-covered leaf on the off chance it might be a yummy butterfly treat. Still better looking (and tasting) than the sole of a sneaker after a Walmart visit, though, no matter what.
Much in the style of the dead leaf butterflies, these ribbit bros do their very best to look like dead and fallen organic debris. Unlike the aforementioned insects, these guys would be much more of a tripping hazard. Less flappy, more squishy underfoot, but just as impressive at masquerading at rotting detritus. #Goals.
If you bothered to finish grade school (fuckin’ nerd), you’d know that octopuses are wicked smart and damn good at the whole camouflage game. Far superior, though, are cuttlefish. A member of the same aquatic association, cuttlefish really steal the spotlight as far as the variety of colors, textures, and patterns they are able to produce. What really brings them to the top of the incognito game, however, are their mating habits. In an evolutionary angle that would infuriate Andrew Tate, cuttlefish really do illustrate the effectiveness of the so-called beta male. Some cuttlefish are what you might call Chad. The chicks love Chad. Big, dumb, and strong. Chad gets the girl, mates, and hangs out—guarding her after the deed to make sure her babies will be his. He’s looking for some stranger while simultaneously trying to prevent her from wandering off, though, and does get distracted. Another cute Cephachick comes along to join his harem, and Chad is too busy to notice that Cephachick is actually ye olde "Beta Male" in disguise. "Cephachick" (who’s just conducting an elaborate drag by hiding a couple of tentacles and low-key camouflaging his coloration) mates surreptitiously with Chad’s kept woman and then splits in a major hurry. This cross-dressing may seem simple because essentially all it requires is advanced tucking of gonads, but ultimately it means beta dude has as much chance of passing on his genes as Chad-o-pod. Brains or brawn? How about both?
Let’s make this clear. We left the ocean for a reason. Sure, in many ways, it (the sea, that is) is super amenable to life, but the competition is fierce. Like buying beachfront property in an up-and-coming hipster neighborhood, real estate is never easy. The tougher the city, the more the basic bitches migrate to the suburbs. Stonefish live downtown and have for as long as they can remember. Rent control. They’re in the same family as scorpionfish—all poisonous, toxic, and largely deadly to humans. Their venom consists of a proteinaceous toxin called verrucotoxin, which causes intense pain, respiratory weakness, damage to the cardiovascular system, convulsions, and paralysis, sometimes leading to death. Also, they look exactly like something that would feel great if you just took your flip-flops off and...oh dear god, I can’t feel my feet (wheezing)! You should probably just put up your house as an Airbnb or get a timeshare or whatever. This beach is fucking dangerous.
Fritillaria delavayi happens to be a plant that’s lived amongst some mighty adverse conditions. Sometimes adversity breeds strength, sometimes PTSD, and occasionally both. This one is like us in so, so many ways. At first young and green, it blends in with almost nothing. In its youth, it’s independent, prominent, and bright; but the older it gets, the more it looks like nothing. Seamlessly, it blends in with the dull gray and brown hues of the rocks it grows amongst. Eventually, one can hardly tell the difference between rock and plant, all youthful uniqueness crushed in the wheels of an adherence to mediocrity. Just like how modern society forms us all into automatons following structural norms like paying taxes, getting jobs, wearing pants and adding your mom on Facebook.
Please be aware that this is part one of a series because wacky physical subterfuge in the animal kingdom is a subject that absolutely cannot even be addressed in one puny article. Two or three, maybe, but for sure, not one.
Esmeralda Marina is anti-pants. She can be found on Facebook as Esmeralda Marina or Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel if you feel the need to hurl fan letters at her.
