It should be no surprise to anyone that over here on the west side of the globe (that sentence makes perfect sense and is called a scientific fact...don’t argue with me), we, as a people, enjoy watching the world burn. For someone with high anxiety and panic attacks, this is absolutely awful. I do not like surprises, and having today be the last day I’m able to use my car due to someone potentially carjacking it, brings me no comfort and only bleak despair.
I’ve realized, however, that there is no stopping what is to come and that our society is what it is. I think that we have become accustomed to considering ourselves as a whole, a big melting pot of crap. And now that this has been brought out to the open and we are all accepting of our fate (which has been predetermined by our multiple failed attempts at bettering ourselves), let’s come up with some ways to stop worrying about any of it. Accept where you are today, and be one with the downfall of western society. Much like a flan in a cupboard, it was destined to come down sometime, so let’s go along with it.
How to Zen Yourself Down With the Rest of Society:
Give Jeff Bezos all your money by buying straight from Amazon, like you already do. Good for you; keep it up. You’re already halfway there if you do this. Better yet, get a job from Jeff Bezos and work as one of his Amazon drivers. You know, the big vans that can’t seem to fit in a normal parking spot, so they just take up an entire lane in the street? I hear the benefits of working for this company are amazing.
I’m thinking of applying to Powell’s Books again like I tried when I was 16, and money didn’t matter. I always wanted to work around a bunch of books and not talk to people all day. If the job doesn’t pay enough, I’ll just use GoFundMe for supplemental income. Also, depending on what groups you are in on Facebook, there is a particular "Buy Nothing" group that has a "cash request" day, where people post their various needs and hope that others who are in the group will be able to assist with their money issues. I’ve used it before, unsuccessfully, but the idea is sound, so long as you appreciate that you are basically begging/asking for money, albeit virtually.
Stop pretending like you’ll ever go to an actual yoga class outside of your home, and all your poses must be exactly how they look on the TV screen you’re watching it on. I’m barely able to do yoga without my dog tripping me or my partner spitting in my face while laughing at a pose we are doing. Just go with it, take what you can from it, and in the end, the corpse pose is always available if you can’t get your downward dog right. The corpse pose is our friend. Stay in the corpse pose as long as you like, until you eventually become one with the floor and fall asleep for the rest of the day. You earned that nap.
You know what I’m talking about. That one thing you question if it’s worth it or not to spend your money on. Whether anyone would enjoy it with you or if you’re just being "weird." Stop being an uptight Karen, who only drinks Chardonnay when the kids are asleep, and buy the damn tail. It’s cute and fluffy, and even if no one enjoys it with you, you can figure out how to enjoy this yourself. One of my favorite stores for "sexy time" stuff is Taboo. Lots of locations...look them up; they are great.
My partner gave me a lot of crap for doing this a couple of years back. My heels were hurting my feet, I was drunk, and I wanted to just walk on my bare feet up the sidewalk and to my apartment—sue me (joke would be on you, though, I have no money...maybe I need to get on the GoFundMe wagon). Anyway, the ground feels nice on your feet, in all honesty. And it’s springtime, which means that you won’t have to walk around in the mud when you do this unless you’re a pig farmer, in which case, maybe do number two...haha, I mean the second point above...and get that job you always wanted. Just watch out for needles and rocks that might stub your toes, and maybe wash your feet afterward.
The key to having less anxiety is apathy. Now I’m no doctor, but this advice sounds about right. So long as you are not constantly surprised when someone is pooping on the side of the road in broad daylight or watching someone buy or use their drug of choice in the alley (why are you staring at them in the alley anyways...nosey much?), and so long as you recognize that you live in a culture where "what’s yours is mine" and wake up to your car stolen one day without completely throwing a BF (White Chicks reference—if you know, you know), you have come close to becoming one with the end of the world. Apathy is the winner’s choice. Kids in school today know this as fact, which is why many of them have such great deadpan humor nowadays. Appreciate it, go along with it, and enjoy sitting back in your La-Z-Boy Recliner you got for free on Buy Nothing, as you slowly sink into the crack of the chair, further into the black abyss that is the downfall of Western civilization, and the end of the world, as we know it.
Hannah One Cup still refuses to buy products from Amazon, is still taking yoga far too seriously, and still has panic attacks and fits of anxiety, but at least she has the sidewalk to put her bare feet on when she needs to feel more at one with cement. You can see her periodically walking an ill-behaved black puppy while simultaneously trying to control their life and having no control of her own. You might also see her having a panic attack on the side of the street because the dog doesn’t do what she wants it to do. Which is walk. Hannah One Cup also wanted to say, "I have given you many lists of things to do to better yourself; why haven’t you followed any of them?" Find her on Facebook under Hannah One Cup or TikTok at @thursdaynight_depression.