After recounting a few Los Angeles misadventures last month, it got me thinking more about that Godforsaken cesspool cosplaying as some sort of cultural hub. I promise you, I'm not delusional or jealous. I'm very aware of LA's stranglehold on the music industry to some truly alarming degrees. It's where the money is. It's where the studios are. It's where the record executives are. Rampant capitalism's invisible hand can be felt non-consensually caressing every market in America, including music. Due to horizontal integration, it's pretty much a race to the bottom of California...

I have learned many life lessons from watching my father live his life. Sometimes, he seems to live in a completely alternate reality from the rest of us mortals, which really gives me reason to contemplate what I would have done differently from a mere human’s perspective. I wanted to share some of the lessons I've learned so far. Just a handful...I don't want to give away all of the sources of my sage advice...

We know them. We grew up with them. They're the characters created by marketing people to sell us breakfast cereals. All of them distinct in their ways, but at the end of the day, that was their point: make you want the product they're selling. It's not a unique concept by any means. Many products have mascots, and many have been around for decades: there's Kool-Aid Man, Michelin Man, Colonel Fuckin' Sanders, Ronald McFuckin' Donald, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Clean, and so on. For reference, people have asked Procter & Gamble if Mr. Clean is gay, and the response was, "he has no interest in anything but making things clean." Nice dodge. However, that is not the focus here. I'm gonna pick some of the most famous breakfast mascots and give you all the breakdown...