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Exotic Magazine - Issue 323
Volume 28 - Number 3 (September, 2020)
by Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle
Time stretches between you and infinity—a seemingly endless
loop of reruns, bottles of cheap wine and not putting on pants unless
absolutely necessary. Maybe, you’re even still "lucky"
enough to be working. They call you “essential,” but
you’re just boxing up giant black dildos at a factory in a
bleak, nearlyabandoned industrial zone. Maybe you’ve been laid
off, now spending your days overfeeding the goldfish (and, seeing how
much solitary confinement it takes before your mind snaps like a twig
in the jaws of the void). At first, you posted cute lil’ “quarantine
crazy” videos of putting googly eyes on your Roomba, but now
it’s—as they say—getting real...
by Ray McMillin
Okay, that’s a clickbait header, but the technology behind
Bitcoin—known
as blockchain—can
literally fix the election process overnight (or, at least, the
second that a stable blockchain is up and running).
Last year (in this very publication, I believe), I suggested that
blockchain could fix voter fraud. Some dorks in the crypto space told
me that this was too complicated of an idea to sell to the masses.
Flash forward to last month, and, according to Coindesk, the
USPS is applying for a patent...
by Wombstretcha
People are always talking
about animals. We have entire television
networks dedicated to watching animals and having commentary on their
behavior. However, most of these channels and programs focus on their
habits—or the plight of their conservation—as opposed to
whether or not they’re actually any good...
by DJ HazMatt
Years ago, after working as a dance commander for over a decade, I
decided to hang up the mic and apply myself in other areas (and
states), to see if the skills I learned in the strip club DJ booth
would be applicable elsewhere. As it turns out, they kind of
are—weddings share more in common with nude bars than they do
any other ceremony (weird father-daughter elements, drunk chicks
taking their clothes off to '80s music, strangers giving money to a
hot lady before she leaves with some other dude, tons of alcohol,
etc.), and night clubs are finally adopting the "bitches, money,
swag, repeat" format that has been popular in our neck of the
poles for years. Thus, it was quick and easy to pick up shifts
outside of the "urban dance studios for marginalized, at-risk
and tattooed youth" (always play up your old gig on job
applications)...
by Ray McMillin
Local industry news and events...
Featuring Isabelle from Hawthorne Strip...
by DiscountTherapist
I’m writing to get your take on something that has myself—plus,
a lot of my friends and colleagues—thinking. I’m hoping that,
as a fellow service industry professional, you can give your personal
take on this.
The impact of COVID-19 has laid bare the vulnerabilities and
issues within the hospitality industry. We, as a community, are not
immune to this sort of disaster and I know it has a lot of us
thinking about what the future of our livelihood—and, our
community—looks like. It took me years to become okay with the
idea that I may be a career bartender and I even have laid plans to
open my own bar someday soon. Now, I feel like the rug has been
pulled out from under me. It’s gotten me considering saying "fuck
it" and pursuing another field entirely. My question is, do you
think I’m being dramatic? Is it better to play it safe and get an
early start on a new career, or is this me abandoning ship?
I can’t imagine my life without the community around me and I also
don’t want to hear a hearty "I told you so" from those that
don’t believe what we do is real work.
Thanks!
- Up In The Air
Dear Up In The Air...
by Blazer Sparrow
What a time to be alive, am I right?! After a three-month coke
bender (well-documented in my last editorial), I am now out of money,
unemployment has run out and bars and businesses are boarding up left
and right. The unprecedented global pandemic is only partly to blame,
too. We should all know that rampant, unregulated capitalism is
mostly at fault for laying the flimsiest of foundations for us
peasants, that just the slightest of economic breezes can knock down.
And, yet, the system remains...so, might as well take advantage of
it. I’ve lost count how many times on social media or streaming
services I am face fucked with an ad that starts with, “In
these trying times…” Why the crapping hell are you
trying to sell me something?! You know I don’t have any money.
Like, read the room, ad. We all lost our jobs and can’t go
outside!
And, yet, the ads persist. The beast is hungry and demands
consumers. So, ol’ Blazer is going to stop complaining and start
selling...
by Stoned Cold Sativa Awesome
Well, the word is officially out—if you leave the house, you’re going to die.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but as a "journalist," I feel that it is my duty to exaggerate claims with the goal of inducing anxiety and causing readers to panic. Thankfully, there’s a substance that can help with this whole hysteria and it’s called cannabis...
by CM Brown
I didn’t start with the clubs. Instead, I went back to the morgue.
As I headed downtown, a few stray leaves blew around like street kids hitting you up for change and cigarettes. I took a deep breath, before pulling open the medieval doors, saluting security and sending my keys and belt down that long perp walk through the x-ray machine.
I snapped on blue gloves, pulled on a face mask and got to looking. The bracelet was still there and was indeed made of bits of compressed carbon. I patted myself on the back...
by Zeke Herrera
The ancient Sumarians referred to W.A.P. as “Dispu tubu
hallu hashallatu,” which literally translates to mean “honey
from the meat leaves." Early fossil records show that wet-ass
pussies have been around since 3400 B.C., but some evidence suggests
that the early neanderthals had the gush bush over 40,000 years ago.
W.A.P.s have been influencing our society longer than pyramids,
aliens or even sandwiches. Yet, they remain a mystery to nerds. In
this article, we will be answering some of the bigger questions like,
“Where did they come from?” “Who’s got one?”
and “Where should I keep my mop and bucket?”...
by Stephanie Anderson
Hey ’yall.
Do you remember that time you dated that man who was much older
than you?
You kind of kept it a secret from your friends—even from
yourself, in a way. Maybe it was that he seemed more established in
the world, less emotional and stupid than guys your age. Or, maybe it
was the context around dating an older man as "taboo" that
turned you on. Anyways, it was 2015 back then. Obama was still
president, you were 22. Yeah. Its not that weird...
