Due to an email from a person who has
read our magazine once, Tales From The
DJ Booth has been canceled until further
notice. As part of his punishment, DJ
HazMatt has relinquished this space to
progressive voices that shall remain anonymous.
Okay, so, like, it’s the current year, okay?
We’ve already taken down the big dogs,
such as Pepe Le Pew, Speedy Gonzalez,
Dr. Seuss and that guy from The Apprentice.
But, as we sit here idling in our
Volkswagens while smoking American
Spirits and listening to John Lennon, we
can’t help but wonder, what sort of Nazi-endorsed,
pro-colonization, wife beater
will pop up onto the radar next? So, it’s
our duty to present to you, the virtuous
reader, our list of to-be-canceled celebrities...
Anyone who’s had to suffer through
piano lessons as a child remembers
the challenging first step of learning
to read music. Mercifully, beginner’s
sheet music keeps it simple,
starting you out in the key of
C to avoid sharps and flats. If you
memorize about 20 or so ‘line and
space notes,’ you could learn simple
songs, before having to deal
with extra complexity.
That could all change, if Professor
Sheila Burkbee has anything to say
about it. Her reason? "Too many
white keys."...
Despite the Plague™ sweeping our already
slightly haggard-looking planet,
people keep on doing the things
they do. They may have to do them
at a grudgingly maintained distance
while donning customized masks,
but they muddle through. They still
bitch about grocery shopping, make
grand future plans for travel that
they definitely won’t do (plague or
not), let themselves go for any excuse
and even sometimes move out
from their ex’s apartment, having to
go it alone. Sometimes, they’re forced
to look for apartments that are available
on a part-time, 7-11 employee’s
salary, and our job is to make something
that skirts building code violations
through bribery and intimidation
sound like a great deal. Let’s take
a look at some shining examples from
previous listings as examples, to help
you become the best property management
company professional or
real estate agent you can be...
Friends! It’s been so long!!! I don’t even know what year it is and I’m all out of blow. Luckily, it appears the clubs are opening up. So, once again, our humble little rag answers to the call to be stuffed back in shelves for you lovely patrons to jerk off to and find out about what I hope will be a slew of exciting events that may or may not be happening around town, depending on them case numbers. Fingers crossed—after you wash your hands, of course...
I love my boyfriend, but he decides when we
have sex—he and he alone. It doesn’t matter
when I want it. I end up taking it whenever I
can get it. Sometimes, we go weeks without it.
Other times, it’s three times in a day. When I
try to talk to him about it, he gets angry and
won’t. What do I do?
- Living Sex Doll
Dear Living Sex Doll,
There is nothing more frustrating than dealing
with a partner who has control issues,
which is what it seems we are dealing with...
This last year has been an unusual one,
to say the least. Some of the industries
which have been hardest-hit by
various authorities’ anti-virus policies
are movie theaters, while consumer
demand for media has gone way
up during periods of state-imposed
lockdowns and self-imposed quarantines.
Yes, regardless of circumstances,
people remain obsessed with movies,
television and the various goings-on
in the general wasteland that is Tinseltown.
So, to scratch that itch, I present
to you a handful of possibly obscure,
but definitely true, facts about Hollywood...
"Tell me something good, Dean," Henley
said, as he slumped into the cubicle,
with phones ringing themselves crazy
around him.
"Still just voicemail, sir."
"That damn lunatic has run off the continent.
I fucking knew it," he said, before
punching the desk and going to get
more coffee.
The bra results had come back with
nothing and his so-called detective was
MIA. He sipped his coffee and for the
millionth time regretted the last time he
quit smoking...
My fellow Americans, today I am announcing
my candidacy for President
Of The United States for 2024.
I would like to take this opportunity
to share with you why I want to be
President and to give you an idea of
what my administration will be like...
It’s April, which means that, on the
20th (4/20), stoners will celebrate being
stoners, pot stores will have sales
and cannabis will get its very own St.
Paddy’s Day. And, as a daily (hourly)
cannabis user, I feel authorized to
make the following statement: the
idea of a pot holiday in modern times
(or, at least seeing said holiday as edgy
or hip) is kind of cringe. Here are a few
reasons why...
I drive for a Portland-based taxi company
that’s been driving Oregonians around since
World War II, when the billionaire class first
used communists and fascists to try and destroy
America...
