Think about it. Since the beginning of recorded music, the concept of "Christmas Music" has been pretty widely accepted in America, to the point that it has become its own genre of music. "Holiday," I think, is the tag on iTunes. Isn't that a little exclusive, though? That's not the only goddamn holiday that banks get off in this shithole country. It's not even the only Christian holiday if that's what the excuse is. And by Christian, I mean co-opted pagan holiday. What gives? You could make the argument that Christmas is the biggest holiday in America and has this whole cringey "vibe" attached to it, but other American holidays have started to cultivate their own cringey vibe as well. You could argue that "Christmas music" even has some distinctive chord changes and specific instrumentation (sleigh bells), but we're almost there with Halloween. Think organs and low tremolo wails—the devil's tritone. There's enough there that we can almost make it a thing. There have been some false starts, like with "Monster Mash," but nothing ever caught on. I suppose you could consider a majority of Danny Elfman soundtracks or the entirety of the Misfits discography as a series of Halloween holiday carols, but that would be a boring article to read. If I was going to waste pages in a nudie mag with an article about Glenn Danzig, it would be something along the lines of thirteen things to do instead of knocking him the fuck out with one punch when his five-foot-three ass shoves you. Spoiler alert, the proper thing to do is punch him the fuck out and hopefully have someone film it, so that article would also be a waste of time. Still, Misfits aside, why is Halloween music not a thing? It is probably the second most popular holiday in America, if not creeping up on the first. Why can’t everyone’s actual favorite holiday enjoy some cash-in camp from our favorite artists trying to sell out in the saddest way possible? There was a goddamn Twisted Sister Christmas album. Anything is possible in this timeline. Here are some suggestions for the folks out there who want to make this under-employed columnist's dreams come true.
I'm not trying to put down Gerard and Co., but I think now is the time for them to pull something like this off. They had that absolute banger of a song last year and then followed up with zilch. Be it writer's block or label pressure, the audience is awaiting some other product. They can't return to the Hot Topic, unironic angst of yore, and I’m not sure the general public is ready to accept them in their hearts as the serious rock band they are. So why not just piss everyone off with a campy collection of “holiday” hits. Dunno what this entails since we still haven’t established what exactly a Halloween song is, but they could conjure up something between some Misfits covers, a few tracks off A Nightmare Before Christmas, and maybe a retooled, guitarofied version of John Carpenter's Halloween theme. And then Iunno, write their own smash hit, Halloween-themed answer to Wham!'s "Last Christmas." Come on, Jersey Boys. If anyone can do it, it's you!
You can argue they didn’t invent horrorcore, but they sure as hell popularized it. I’m not trying to pretend they’re going to recapture the magic of 1994’s 6 Feet Deep. This isn't about quality, it's about camp. Horrorcore, in general, hasn't had the courage to sell out completely as some holiday cash-in. A fully reunited Gravediggaz, with Mr. Diggs and Mr. Huston, could pull this off. It would have to be brutally self-aware and include samples of the literal fucking “Monster Mash,” but I think there's something here, and that something is money. Cash hasn't ruled anything around RZA for some time, so might as well go full sellout.
Dia De Los Muertos is already starting to creep into surpassing Halloween as the cultural center of the spooky season. Once the NPR neolibs start touting it, it's all over. I am still holding out for Samhain, the true reason for the season, but I won't be mad if Dia De Los Muertos eclipses Halloween as the vibe for late October. With Disney's "Coco," I feel like we already have a starter plant for this holiday's "carols," and who better to cash in and sell out on this new wave of bastardization than Mexico City's very own acoustic metal duo? It's not racist since they're Mexican, so they could get away with something so hideously campy. They could even cover some songs off of "Coco!"
Doesn’t matter what it is. Just as her unquenchable thirst for chart positions steamrolls over every other Xmas classic in December, so too shall this juggernaut of pop music dominate the Halloween music market shortly after it becomes a thing. There is no stopping this. It is inevitable. Once the Halloween genre of music becomes established, Miss Carey will not rest until she has crafted a diddy that will be piped into every Spirit Halloween Store and blast away during commercials of every horror movie rerun marathon. You cannot prevent Mariah from taking over the entire month of October with whatever billboard-smashing bop she conjures, thus doubling her annual income from all the dollars to double all the dollars...all Hail Mariah, The New Whistle-Tone Queen of Halloween.
