It's that time of year once more. People who might normally seem somewhat buttoned-up get a chance to let loose, and people who are always somewhat loose get to dive in face-first. For those over the age of 10, Halloween is fairly similar to what it was when you were under 10...a night of indulgence, socializing, and, of course, costumes! You can't come to the party if you don't play by the rules, and the rules always say you have to have the right apparel. I think that might be the only rule.
From some stuff taped to a garbage can, which is used for gaining entry at a college frat party, to the expensive finery worn at anything calling itself a "masquerade ball," some kind of dress-up is perfunctory. We're all familiar with this concept, but what about those people who want to do topical costumes? Well, it's 2023, and there are lots of foolish things to lampoon or endorse in costume form. Let's take a look.
Listed in no particular order, but I did check a lot of Amazon sales rankings for shits and/or giggles.
Pumpkin spice is...Halloween-adjacent. People are dressing up in plump, orange costumes, celebrating the world's favorite gourd and the smells that accompany it. While actual pumpkin spice contains no pumpkin and is mostly just nutmeg, you can no longer uncouple those items. Watch your party for potpourri-scented people in oversized costumes—they're the ones who are gonna get drunk and knock shit over first.
Another in our series of orange costumes, the motherfucker hasn't been in office for years, but people still think it's the height of social critique to take the piss out of the guy. Well, since his infamous "scowling mugshot" got released, expect a spate of fake tans and blond wigs, perhaps behind a little tableau of PVC prison bars or with an inmate number or some such thing. I'd honestly be surprised if the good people at Spirit Halloween (AKA, wait, wasn't that just a hot tub store last month?) didn't get one on the shelf by "go time." They already have 16 other kinds of costumes with the man's likeness, so what's one more?
Everyone's favorite pop hip-hop diva has her own costume. Now, this costume is really more of a DIY affair, but directions are readily available online if you want to dip your hoof in Lizzo's notorious personal sense of glamour. In most instances, it features a spraypainted Hefty bag full of lunchmeat, which you affix to your body with festive, rhinestone-encrusted straps of various sorts. It is easier on the pocketbook if you use Carl Buddig pressed meat products instead of the good stuff, but that's up to you. Not to be confused with the above-mentioned pumpkin spice costume, as this one has a far different aroma and is quite a bit less orange.
Having had quite an odd sense of depth breathed into the characters due to this summer's blockbuster Barbie movie, your favorite dolls-turned-movie-stars can be had for the cost of a pink outfit or pair of board shorts. Margot Robbie's perky breasts and Ryan Gosling's cheesegrater abs not included, though Will Ferrell may show up randomly, as he did in the film, just because that's his thing.
Celebrate what may have been the largest backlash over a corporate product since New Coke by dressing as the forsaken Bud Light can. Nobody really understands why this anti-Bud Light trend got the legs it has, but when folks are turning down free beer, you know your marketing people fucked up big time. As you tool around Halloween parties in your can outfit, you'll either be the most popular or most lonely costume out there. Also, beware of those who are intoxicated and might mistake you for an actual oversized can of beer. Don't get your top popped.
If you've been anywhere near the Internet over the last several months, you'll likely have noted the surprising and mildly upsetting return of the McDonald's advertising character Grimace. You know, the big purple guy who looks like a gumdrop (or butt plug) and acts like he has brain damage. Well, he's back in style and appears in a series of ads touting a frothy purple milkshake. This apparently took social media by storm, and Zoomers everywhere flocked to make memes about the properties of this concoction, then hyped up its fat, fuzzy namesake as well. I think we're all waiting for a gritty reboot of McDonaldland, but for now, we'll have to settle for a pimped-out version of Grimace. You'll be a hit, and all you have to do is wear the outfit and say "Duh, Ronald" with irritating frequency. Outfits are available everywhere, and some of them are absolutely terrifying.
Capturing our attention and our data for some time in early 2023, the dubiously fearsome Chinese spy balloon wafted over much of the country for a while, prompting confusion and inaction among our politicians. That, of course, is business as usual for politicians, but there was some modest outcry from the citizenry, who did not want China watching them take a dump in their neighbor's garden. Rile people up once again by dressing as the dreaded specter of airborne espionage, but beware of people carrying forks or fighter jets. Also, I'm not sure why so many of these costumes happen to be inflatable monstrosities, though I guess that's the spirit of 2023.
After the release of his rather bitter-seeming, tell-all book about the royal dumbfuck himself and his dumbfuck family, the universe became privy to a lot of knowledge it probably never wanted to know. One such tidbit being the status of Harry's Royal Member™ (and if that's not someone's band name, I suggest it should be). We found out that the man is indeed circumcised, so now is your opportunity to dress up as his cast-off, lonely foreskin and then woefully meander around the party. While I've found no "official" Harry foreskin costumes, you can simply buy an onion ring costume and add a little fake blood for the same effect.
Now, this is not topical, instead universal, but the season gives an opportunity to ladies who would never wear fishnets to wear them with pride. Heck, everyone can get in on the action, regardless of gender. Dr. Frank-N-Furter costumes are welcome everywhere sweet transvestites from Transsexual, Transylvania are welcome. National Fishnet Day is in full force.
You're sure to be the hit of the party when you show up in any of these ensembles.
Don't eat too much candy corn!*
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a semi-professional Grimace impersonator, crappy light beer sipper, bad non-orange man, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, Oregon. He can be found at his website, wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe (yay!) and Facebook (boo!), as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
*Any amount of candy corn is too much, in my humble opinion.
