It's December, which for many people means being forced into uncomfortable situations brought on by generations of family just following the status quo because "grandma would have wanted it that way." When no one knows what grandma would have really wanted...she's now dead, so how do you really know what that woman would have wanted 30 years later?
My guess is, she'd probably like to avoid having to cook everyone dinner...sometimes for your granddaughter's new boyfriend that she just nabbed three months ago, who she decided to have tag along to a very intimate family get-together. Maybe "grandma" would have liked to have gone off to Greece or somewhere warm, away from it all. Who knows. But families all have this habit of assuming they're all supposed to get together and pretend to like each other "for the family" or some bullshit. I call this a forced kidnapping of sorts since I'm always threatened in some way if I don't show up to these things.
That said, I always have ideas on ways of getting out of it "this year." Then "this year" comes, and it doesn't happen because I chicken out or forget what my idea was. But now, this year is here…and I'm going to go through all the ways you can possibly get out of anything. Please feel free to snap a pic of this page for future use (after you leave the club, of course!). I've done lists like this before, but I'm throwing it all out there for you. That way, no one is left hanging without a way out. Don't worry, my introverted house nymphs, I've got you. Mama One Cup is here you…
Depending on how this request was made, it will either leave you with a lot of options or very few. If your friend texts you, simply respond, "Not feeling it tonight. Ate cheese and forgot I was lactose intolerant." Or, "My dog has diarrhea and is pooping everywhere." Anything uncomfortable like that will force your friend to leave you alone since everything sounds stinky. Second, just don't respond and leave the text unread. Then respond the next day, saying, "Sorry, migraine. You okay?" Asking your friend if they're okay at least lets them know you care and are actually wanting to make sure you're both "cool."
If they call…this is where things get hairy, and you have to think on your toes. The simpler, the better. No need to lie. Just say, "I'm already in my pajamas; I just wanna' have a lazy day." If they ask to join, that's on you. Your friend won't be pissed for long if you just want to be alone. So be honest and blunt. But also don't treat your friend like a plague and avoid them for long. It won't kill you to have a good time with them (well, usually...).
It will never be easy with family. The "blood is thicker than water" thing does not count in this situation since everyone will look down on you more than Sally bringing her 3-month-old relationship to the party if you don't show up. So, tread lightly. The same applies as in the first situation, but make the excuses relevant to that family member's personality. If they're religious, just say you were going to help with a church function (You might go to hell after lying like this, but I'm no priest, so don't quote me. I'm also anti-religion, so…). Usually, you can say something like, "I'm sick," or "I just don't have money to get there right now." This usually works, and I'm assuming some of this is at least a partial truth because who really has extra money to travel right now? And who has never had a stomachache thinking about the future ulcer you’re about to get visiting your family?
Unless there is free booze, bonuses, and brisket…and it's not far away, most people don't like going to these things. Use the same excuses you've been using on your grandma or friend, and you'll be fine. Maybe someone will bring you some leftover brisket at work on Monday.
Okay, so you spent a little more than you thought at the bar the other night or four, and now you're out of "fun money." It's better to take care of this sooner than later, so the nail or hair person (or whatever professional for the service you're receiving) doesn't hate you and feel you've cost them 100 bucks worth of time. Call as soon as you can; just explain you'll have to reschedule and don't know you're availability yet. Tell them "something came up," or if you have a good relationship with them, tell them the truth, "I'm a lush and drank half my paycheck. I'm sorry, it was meant to go to you." Self-loathing is usually appreciated in all of these situations. Use it here.
This happens so often in every company that I feel HR/managers/etc. are now at the mercy of their employees and in the "OK" boat. Apathy has taken over these individuals, and they now have nothing else to say but "Okay." Just say you have a migraine. Or if you're a female, tell your boss your cramps feel like crabs are clawing out your uterus. This always works—especially so for older males who feel awkward hearing this. It's sorta like Hank Hill mentioning "lady parts" in a whisper.
So long as it's not just you, and you are able to push this off onto someone else for a change, do it. If it is just you, do not follow these instructions. It'll just end up giving you a mountain of unfinished laundry and moldy fridge containers and leave you upset at all that led to this moment.
If you live with someone, just stop doing laundry. And stop cleaning. The laundry is really where they'll start noticing it since work shirts now have to be worn for a second time or dug out of the hamper. Similar to someone digging out a fork from the dishwasher. This person will only be able to do this for so long before they get the hint. Just make sure you have enough spare underwear and clothes for an extra week or so of no laundry being done.
I thoroughly believe in sharing house chores and not feeling forced into situations you don’t want to be in, and if it takes an excuse or explanation to get your way, do it. This December, start putting yourself first as a personal holiday gift.
Especially with shared chores—sometimes you just have to think like Pavlov and his bell to get what you want.
Hannah One Cup can be found at her family's house in Salem or in West Linn for her job's holiday "bowling party" because her grandma still terrifies her, and the bowling party offered free booze and a chance at a $100 Visa gift card, which will be used on brisket. She probably won’t invite you to brisket but hopes you all stay beautiful and full of reasons why you should always be number one. Happy end of the year, you wonderful, bipedal trash monkeys!
