Well, it seems impossible that we're here already, but it's—once again—that time of year. Santa is busy gearing up to deliver presents to all the good boys and girls around the world. Just kidding, Santa isn’t real, you naive idiot! But for those of you trying to come up with great holiday gift ideas for that bouncer in your life, never fear! I’ve assembled a few recommendations for you, field-tested by yours truly.
Working my very first bouncer gig at Dixie Tavern, it wasn’t long at all before I found myself working the front door, which meant staying outside for the duration of the night. During the winter, NW Couch Street (pronounced like cooch, not couch, for all you out-of-towners) is a wind tunnel, with icy winds blowing off the Willamette River and straight into the faces of the security door crew at Dixie. At the recommendation of my fellow front doorman—a good friend and a fellow Marine Corps vet—I purchased one of these jackets and was not disappointed. The most bitter cold nights that left my fingers numb and frost in my beard were no match. What, you may ask, makes this bad boy 3-in-1? It consists of a waterproof outer shell and zipped into it is a thick fleece lining, each of which can be used separately or together. The sleeves of the fleece also zip off, providing a vest option on top of everything else. Both breast pockets conceal a panel that can be hung outside the pocket to display identifiers like security patches, badges, company insignia, morale patches, etc., with a similar panel on the back. The jacket has a hood that can be rolled up and stowed in the back of the collar, pockets everywhere to hold whatever gear you carry on the job (handcuffs, pepper spray, notebooks, flashlights, etc.), zippers on the sides to allow quick access to firearms for those of you with your armed security DPSST, and mic loops for mounting your comms mic. 5.11 lists this jacket on their website at $270, and in my experience, the juice has absolutely been worth the squeeze.
I served eight years in the United States Marine Corps, including seven months in Fallujah and seven months in Ramadi. I own countless knives in all manner of styles: switchblades, butterfly knives, hunting knives, karambits, and ad nauseam. But when I decided to carry a knife with me at work, there was only one choice for me: the official combat knife of the Marine Corps, the Ka-Bar. Ka-Bar's unusual name dates back to 1923 when a very illiterate mountain man wrote a letter to Union Cutlery Co., describing a harrowing encounter he had with a bear, which he killed using one of their knives. From the words "killed a bear," only the letters ka-bar were legible, and the moniker stuck. The Marines adopted the knife for use in combat during WWII, and the two have been inextricably intertwined since. With a 7-inch long, 1.188-inch-wide blade, wearing this bad boy on your hip makes a statement, namely, "Don't fuck with me." I've affectionately nicknamed mine the "people opener." I've never actually opened any people with it, and I hope I never do, but I've stared down angry people wielding knives, hammers, and throwing axes, and having a blade like this one at my disposal was comforting, to say the least. I carry the official USMC version with a brown stacked leather handle, which Ka-Bar lists on their website at $134.96, but they offer a wide variety of knife styles that will satisfy any and all tastes and budgets.
I’ve been fascinated by rings ever since I was a little kid watching Captain Planet and admiring the dope ass rings the Planeteers wore to summon the titular Captain. As an adult, I wear rings on every finger—big chunky ones. Now, I should make it clear that I wear them decoratively, but working as a bouncer, they come in handy; people see my hands and think twice about starting some shit that might lead to me punching them in the face. An unlucky few have fucked around and found out. Of the rings I wear, my favorites are my Gambler 500 rings. If you’ve never heard of Gambler 500, do yourself a favor and check it out. What started off as a small group of friends wondering how much abuse a $500 Craigslist car could survive has grown into a massive annual off-roading event in central Oregon. It feels like a cross between Mad Max and Burning Man, along with numerous smaller events nationwide and spinoffs that include a mini bike enduro and a rallycross event for shit box cars called HooptieX. The campsite at the event is a showcase of automotive creativity, where you’ll see limousines and hearses on heavy suspensions and mud tires, chopped Crown Vics, and even an old segmented city bus with a hot tub onboard. Environmental stewardship of public lands is a central tenet of the entire Gambler culture, with literal tons of trash pulled in off the trails by participants at every event; which makes Gamblers a sort of real-life group of Planeteers, deserving dope ass rings of their own. Since 2017, Harlan Whitmann of Ooak Forge has provided those rings, always delivering a distinctive, eye-catching annual design. You can find the current year’s ring at Gambler500.com for fifty bucks, or head over to OoakForge.com, where Whitman offers his previous years' designs in sterling silver for $120.
I bought my first pair of MTE-2s early on in the pandemic, and I've never looked back (I'm on my third pair now). These shoes offer the comfort and style of a skate shoe with the support and ruggedness of a hiking boot, making them ideal for security work. The HydroGuard waterproofing and Primaloft insulation have kept my feet warm and dry through every cold, rainy night Portland has thrown at me. The UltraCush and OrthoLite cushioning keeps me comfortable and pain-free when I'm on my feet all night. Vans offers these shoes in a variety of colors, including all black and a black camo design, both of which really fit that "man in black" bouncer aesthetic, and at $150, they won’t break the bank.
Nate Hazen is getting into the holiday spirit by adding eggnog to his bourbon and planning a series of elaborate booby traps around his house to severely harm potential intruders.
