Of holiday traditions, the White Elephant gift exchange has always baffled me a bit. Why are we foisting all this crap on people we know, and why is it called that? Until recently, I didn't give enough of a shit to look it up and simply wondered occasionally. However, now that I'm writing about this cultural phenomenon, I had to do the research. First, I started with the good ol' dictionary. Webster defines a white elephant (you know you have a winner when you have two words as one entry in the dictionary) as "a possession that is useless or troublesome, especially one that is expensive to maintain or difficult to dispose of." So, when you give a random co-worker that unopened olive pitter you got as a free gift with an Amazon purchase, after asking yourself, "The hell am I gonna do with this?" you're actually abiding by the core principles of the white elephant concept.
The origin of the term ostensibly dates back to when Thailand was still called Siam. As the tale is told, if visiting dignitaries displeased the king during their visits to his court, he would gift them a white elephant or two. The king would say that such creatures were extremely rare and must be cared for, knowing full well that the cost of transporting the elephant, then feeding and caring for it, would be an annoyance at best and an overwhelming hassle at worst. I'm presuming the king of Siam had a whole warehouse full of depigmented spite pachyderms. I can imagine those rude visiting dignitaries leaving the royal palace muttering, "The fuck am I gonna do with an elephant?" while the king wore a wry smile on his face. There you have it. It's not a gift to make people happy—it's a gift to piss them off with the burden of its ownership and/or otherwise be useless or maybe even slightly harmful.
With the concept and its background adequately explained, let's review some gift ideas for things that nobody would want but that you're happy to give. Listed in no particular order.
Much like the king of Siam, this is the original old-school white elephant gift. While actual white elephants are in short supply these days and are prohibitively expensive unless you rule a Southeast Asian nation, there are plenty of other substitutes on hand. From rodents like rats, hamsters, and gerbils to reptiles and obnoxious birds that squawk and screech, there's something alive for everyone. Not only does this burden the person with the responsibility of the creature’s care (assuming you're not gifting a creature to an absolute psychopath), but you also get to periodically inquire as to its status. Bonus points to you if you assign it an obnoxious name first. "How's little Mister Poopypants? He's such a scamp! I just knew you'd love him!" The king knew what he was doing. Extra bonus points for a tarantula with a silly name.
The white elephant gift is typically supposed to be something novel that the person in question might appreciate, but we're going to stretch that rule and enter the Zone of Obnoxiousness™. Think about gifting someone a framed photo of them. Not a good photo, mind you, but a bad or embarrassing photo. See if you can snap a picture of them walking out of the bathroom. Perhaps a photo collage might work, too (Facebook has its uses after all, it seems), or, if you're bored and have paint, a portrait of them. Even if you're at one of those events where people have the option to trade gifts, nobody's taking that. The bigger, the better, by the way, and the collage has the added benefit of making that person wonder if you're stalking them.
If you know, you know. If you don't, here's the deal: Haribo, international confectioner and, dare I say, absolute masters of the gummi arts, manufacture a version of their famous gummi bears, which are sugar-free. I am certain you're thinking, "What's the big deal about that?" Well, you see, these sugar-free gummi bears come with a warning on them not to eat too many, though they do not explain why. The reason is that even modest overconsumption causes your bowels to belch forth an abominable cascade of unpleasant excrement in a matter of a half-hour's time.
One of the reviews on Amazon describes these candies as follows: "What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile, vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM." For more, which are quite amusing themselves, search "Amazon sugar-free gummi bear reviews." Suffice it to say, even if your intended target trades them away, someone's gonna have a rough time unless they read the packaging very carefully and actually take it seriously. Talk about burdensome.
As seen on TV! Or something! Yes, the utter misery that is the landscape of single-use kitchen gadgets. I'm not entirely shitting on all single-use kitchen things, as some can expedite a tedious or annoying task, like those apple corers or egg poaching cups. However, given the nature of our premise, I'm focusing on the ones that are absolutely useless, even within the boundaries of their singular task, and preferably which take up space needlessly. Asparagus peelers, toasters that only cook hotdogs and buns, pizza scissors, and egg crackers are only a few of the examples I can think of, but there are millions of them out there. Also, even if it was a deliberately bad gift, if I see someone cutting a pizza with oversized scissors that read "PIZZA!" on the side, I'll be looking at them just slightly less disgusted than if I caught them sniffing their own mother's dirty underwear.
You might think that sex toys in and of themselves are inappropriate white elephant gifts, but I suppose it depends on the kind of crowd you're in. Just giving someone a pocket pussy, inflatable sheep, or some kind of veiny penis dildo will likely result in "Oh, haha, that's hilarious." It's the 21st century, and only the most uptight people wouldn't appreciate the humor in such a gift. That's why you have to make it weird. There are some sex toys out there which stare into your very soul. Such as what? Why, there's the "Fuck Me Silly Bubble Butt," which is a disembodied, full-sized, outrageously-proportioned rubber booty and poon, boasting "over 32 pounds of pussy and ass!" on the package itself. Additionally, there's a disembodied silicone foot with a pussy in the ankle. There also exists a dildo* shaped like some kind of alien phallus which will lay "sexy eggs" in the orifice of your choice, and of course, Mr. Jack, the vibrating pocket pussy with a sleazy, '70s disco mustache, for no other reason than "just because." Check the clearance section of your favorite adult toy retailer for more surprises, and be prepared to make some very interesting memories.
That's about all I have room for this year, but I wish you the best of luck in pursuing the true spirit of the white elephant tradition.
Merry whatever,
-Wombstretcha *There is apparently a whole pile of these things on the market.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is an elephant enthusiast, gummi-bear connoisseur, surprisingly good gift-giver, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. Should anyone care, he can be found on his website, Wombstretcha.com, on X (Twitter) as @wombstretcha503, as well as on MeWe.com and Facebook.com as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
