This may sound like an entitled rant, as though these artists owe me or their fans anything. Well, it is. And they do. I am tired of waiting around for these long-anticipated follow-ups to drop. If ever there was an appropriate use of this platform, it is doing just this—using the non-titty space on these pages to demand content from artists who will probably never even know I exist.

Rest assured, it’s not just me. This is certainly the will of the people! I am merely their voice. There is documented evidence that all of these albums are either complete or—at some stage—close to completion. Yet we, the people, are given nothing...not even a promo single or an advance appearance on a racing game. This is an outrage! We have waited long enough. If someone knows these artists or someone who knows them, please shove this article in their face and demand answers...

Last year, I dedicated a few issues of my column to outlining out how you should behave in a strip club. This month, I’m going to take it in a slightly different direction. Look, I know full well that people are doing cocaine in the club, and as a bouncer, I’m going to tell you don’t do it. If I catch you, I have to do something about it, and neither of us wants that, right? Well, never fear, Dear Readers, because if you follow this handy dandy guide that I’ve composed for you, I’ll be none the wiser to your participation in the "Winter Olympics," if you know what I mean—and that’s better for both of us! Think of it like Schrödinger’s dumbass cat, who can’t decide whether it’s alive or dead until you open the box to look at it; if I don’t catch you doing coke, did you even do it?...

Mankind’s entire history is predicated on our ability to learn and use tools, make discoveries, and use our comparatively powerful intellects to solve problems.

Many times, a new device is invented to make our lives easier, from the simple stone axe, which meant not having to beat your lunch to death with your fists before eating it, to the modern mobile phone, which looks up anything we can think of, tells us how to get places, and lets you redeem those really weird gifts from T-Mobile on Tuesdays. Sometimes, though, we as humans go a bit astray when we put our brains to the task of creating problem-solving devices and end up with some very strange things. I’ll look through history and pull out some of the most unique items we have ever invented...

An exclusive interview with the newly crowned queen...