Happy April, dear readership! I'm sure all of you are looking forward to the 20th of this month when we can all happily partake in the Devil's Lettuce! You know there's nothing ole Blazer loves more than tokin’ a doobie and listening to The Grateful Dead! Boy Howdy, if you know me, you know that describes my perfect weekend. Throw in a marathon of the Marvel movies, and you're describing my own heaven on Earth. Heaven being a place I totally believe in! It's totally real, just like ethical consumption under capitalism. Which—as we all know—is the best and really the only economic system that's ever had any success in Earth's history. It is also flat.
But enough truth and facts...we're here to talk about music! Specifically, the local music scene, and even more specifically, how to succeed in said local scene. After all, you definitely read this magazine for the most up-to-date journalism and criticism of Portland’s live music ecosystem. Also, what nudie mag column is complete without some well-researched life hacks to climb the ladder to financial success in the arts?
So you wanna make money at this whole performing live music thing, huh, sport? Well, the best way to make money for your art is to flippin' charge for it! Duh! Now, some of you might be thinking that the important thing is having more folks come through the door. You might think a high door price might discourage people from attending. Nonsense! That's not how successful people think! Rather than sulk and complain about barely making any money at your passion project, do something about it! Manifest your wealth by charging up the ass at the door. How much is your music worth? You decide! I've noticed that, due to inflation, most local shows jumped from $5 to about $10 at the door. Them’s rookie numbers. You want a payday after a show well played? Charge $30 dollars at the door! If you don’t value your time, no one will.
Besides, a bar cut takes away hard-earned money from small business owners—the lifeblood of this country! It also encourages people to drink alcohol, which is also bad 'cause alcohol is poison. It's the reason poor people stay poor. You see, it's not the restrictive societal and economic conditions that are firmly held in place by the ruling class to suppress any upward mobility and also destroy morale. It's booze...yes, that's why the poor are poor and also unhappy. That's the only reason. If they stopped drinking so much booze and eating avocado toast, they could own three houses by now.
Hell, charge $40 at the door. I thought you wanted to be a rock star, not a rock hobbyist.
Speaking of having more folks come through the door, whose fault is it if people aren't coming to your show? Yours! That's right. It's your job to bring people to your recital. The venue booker even says so in their emails to you. The only reason you aren’t seeing a small bar packed with all your friends is you didn’t guilt them into coming to the show! Or you don’t have any friends. Either way, it’s your responsibility! If you do have friends, it’s your job to remind them every day leading up to the show that it’s happening. Spamming social media and leaving fliers at local record shops is child’s play. You need to text your friends incessantly, letting them know when the show is and making them feel like bad friends for not coming. Shame and guilt go a long way. They are the best tools at your disposal while climbing the ranks of the local music scene.
And speaking of climbing the ranks, you gotta remember this is a competitive market—a zero-sum game. Everyone wants a piece of the pie, but that pie, especially in a smaller local scene, is not that big. You gotta make sure no one else gets a slice. If you want to succeed financially, it's important to take the whole pie. You see, some unenlightened folks might tell you the best way to create a thriving scene is to support your friends' artistic endeavors and create a reciprocal environment that benefits all creatives in an area. Those people are wrong. There's only room for one on the top, and you have to bite and claw your way up there, stepping on everyone in your way. Remember, anyone seeing someone else’s band is a person not seeing yours! Tear down their fliers, don’t share their social media posts, and when they tell you about their upcoming shows, stare off into the space behind them and smile vapidly as you change the subject. In group settings, if someone else brings up one of their creative projects, make sure to talk louder over them about yours. This is war. You’re here to win.
