If there was anything in this world that I would say I loved more than living itself, it's cheese. I consider cheese to be a magical substance, straight from the gods of the underworld, given to us mortals at the same time as sundried tomatoes. At that point, you were either on board or wrong and eating Satan's sundried tomatoes—nothing against sundried tomatoes, other than they're awful. But I have been Team Cheese my entire life and never plan on changing that. If you don't like cheese, you’re either vegan (you’re wrong), 12 months old or younger (I’m sorry?), or lactose intolerant (they make pills for this, so no excuse.)
At one point, a best friend wrote an entire paper titled "An Ode to Cheese" about her love for our lord and savior, Cheesus. This was of course, complete with hand-drawn pictures and showcased herself eating much cheese. Cheese brings cultures and people together. It’s uses are endless, and so with that, I thought I would write about some fun facts we might not actively know about this mysterious substance.
No one really knows for sure where cheese comes from. After researching this thoroughly, from sites ranging from CheeseOrigin.com, the National Historic Cheesemaking Center, and even Wikipedia, it's agreed upon that no one really knows any concrete facts about where cheese came from. Some say that it was most likely due to an accidental curdling of milk that occurred when an Arab shepherd carrying sheep's milk got home to the realization that his milk had curdled in the hot sun, and there was born the cheese curd. There are even ancient murals on Egyptian walls depicting cheese, dating to roughly 4,000 years ago.
I like to think that, once again, cheese was produced by our underworld lords long before this, and they had been perfecting it for ages until the ultimate "first cheese" was created. They chose curds for some reason and not their "aged 50,000 years" sharp white cheddar (which surely would have killed us with tastes unknown and incomprehensible to humans). Some underworld lord, calling himself "Cheeslebub," happened to be in Egypt and Greece simultaneously and said, "Brosef, you must try this substance. You would sell your house and your soul for just one bite.”
Cheese is actually considered “mildly" addictive (I'm not sure of the sliding scale from mild to severe) due to its protein casein, which can cause cravings for foods similar to it. I'm not upset about it, and I'll actively admit I am addicted to cheese. In fact, it might be the one substance that is causing me to not have an addiction to anything more severe (other than booze).
America eats a lot of cheese. Like…a toddler-size amount of cheese every year. And that's the "average American consumer." 42 pounds of cheese to be exact. Yearly, per a 2022 study. What's funny is that we don't even make the top 10 of the listed countries and their cheese intake. Number 1 goes to France, of course. Who somehow balances their wine, bread, and constant cheese breaks with long walks and longer lifespans. France eats a whopping 58 pounds of cheese per average consumer.
Cheese is good for your teeth. It assists in stopping decay by increasing saliva production. Are you really surprised by this one?
In 2010, cheese was sent to space on a rocket (the Dragon by SpaceX, co-founded by that great guy we all love to hate—Elon). It was meant to be a trial of NASA’s Commercial Orbital Transportation Services (COTS) program, which aims to provide supplies to the International Space Station. Elon did jokingly say once, that it was actually a tribute to Monty Python's sketch "The Cheese Shop." Who knows why that guy does things?
It just so happens to be the last week of June, so you can all stock up ahead of time for all those people you're going to pretend to invite over, while you eat your 12 pounds of brie and blue all to yourself. You can get some bread if you want, or just do what I do and eat it straight out of the fridge, as our underlords intended.
There is…a most dangerous cheese. It’s called Casu Marzu, is made with live maggots, and has an aftertaste that lasts for hours. I might…not want to try this cheese, quite frankly. I’d be interested to see it, smell it, but if it’s going to possibly kill me, I would save this for my last meal. Death by cheese wouldn’t be the worst way to go.
The “Favorite” Cheese
Out of over 2,000 varieties of cheese, mozzarella appears to be the crowd favorite. Why? I can only assume it’s because it goes on so many other delicious foods—mainly pasta, pizza, and other carb-filled favorites.
The most expensive cheese in the world comes from donkey milk and costs roughly 600 bucks a pound. It's called Pule, if you are curious about procuring this yourself. If you do, let me in on this so we can see what this expensive-ass-cheese is all about.
So, that's just a short list of some interesting facts about our favorite dairy product. There are numerous other facts out there on this topic, but I wanted to keep this short, sweet, and cheesy to read. I dedicate this article to my dear friend, whose love of cheese may have just barely surpassed my own. I hope to one day try all 2,000 types of cheese out there, making Casu Marzu my going-away present to myself and dedicating that to them, as well.
Hannah One Cup can be found scouring the discount cheese sections of various supermarkets and staring at donkeys, wondering how they get that much milk out of a creature that constantly makes horrible, guttural noises, and has a tendency to bite. Her fridge has a permanent cheese shelf. You can also find her on Facebook by her name, and Tik-Tok at (@thursdaynight_depression).
