Death. We all must deal with it. On a long enough timeline, none of us are going to make it out alive. It is an inevitability. Nothing to be despaired, nothing to be celebrated, just a fact of life, such as it is.
However, sometimes we can appreciate the ways in which people depart this Earth. People can meet their end for any number of reasons, and most of the time, those circumstances are rather grim, sad, and unfortunate.
In certain circumstances, though, some individuals shuffle off this mortal coil in ways that baffle or amuse others. The best final gift you could possibly give the world is to pass into the netherworld in a fantastically ridiculous way, sad though it might be.
In this article, we're going to look into some of the most silly ways people have joined the choir eternal
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As usual, they are ranked in no particular order.
A man named Hans Steininger was famous for his very long beard, which was nearly five feet long by most reckonings. He was around long ago, but this story lives in the historical record. In 1567, there was a great fire in Hans' town. He was frightened and thought not to tuck the thing in his shirt or toss it over his shoulder. While running for his life, he stepped on his own beard, tripped, and broke his neck. He died instantly, though I think that is better than being burned to death if you ask me.
Famed Danish astrologer, astronomer, and alchemist Tycho Brahe had the most unusual demise. He was invited to a feast in Prague with colleagues in the field of astronomy. He refused to get up during the dinner to take a leak, as it was against the etiquette of the age and held it in for hours and hours. However, following that, he found he could not pee, save in short, painful spurts. He had contracted some manner of kidney or bladder problem. He died about two weeks later. Always take that whiz, etiquette be damned, or it could kill you.
In 2013, a Brazilian man named Joao Maria de Souza had a cow fall through his roof, falling on him and busting him up. I am not sure why his roof was cow-accessible. However, the one-ton animal fell through while he was sleeping and smashed his ass. I wonder what the cow thought about all this? The local news outlet said that this was the third such incident in the last year, but none of the other cow/roof incidents did any harm to anything but the house. Sadly, Mr. Souza died the next day from internal bleeding because he had to wait too long to be seen by a doctor, despite seeming in pretty good spirits for a man who had a large animal fall on him while he slept. I just wonder what they did with that cow. Did they just open the front door and get a goodbye moo when it swaggered back out after smashing some guy?
The term "heart attack" always seemed weird to me. The term "cardiac arrest" seemed a bit more apt. "Heart attack" makes it sound like you were attacked by a heart, when no, it's just when your heart gives out. Anyhow, British actor Gareth Jones was on a live show called Armchair Theater, and his character was supposed to have a heart attack. However, when the scene came down, he did a very realistic performance because he actually had a heart attack and died. As far as my research reveals, his co-workers were like, "Damn, good job with that, mate," before they realized he was actually dead.
Rube Goldberg was a comic artist who designed funny and complex devices to do commonplace things in the early 20th century if you didn't already know. Think of the game "Mouse Trap" to sort of describe it if you aren't familiar, but this is not about him in particular. You see, the story is one of a New York lamplighter, back in the days of gas streetlights, which needed people to light them. This lamplighter had devised a makeshift alarm involving a clock, a wire, and a very heavy rock that would drop to the floor and wake him. Okay...you do you, but one day, he threw a party and got hammered. Why's that a problem? Well, he moved his bed for unknown reasons, and then his system crushed his head when his "alarm" went off.
Draco of Athens, the guy who revamped the system of law they had there and thus generated the modern term "Draconian"—describing harsh or unforgiving laws, was a politician in Athens of Ancient Greece. He was actually well-liked, as people appreciated the codification of policy in writing, which was universal, versus the prior convention of oral law, which is just "yeah, if we say it, it goes." He had gone to an amphitheater to give a speech, and the citizenry was so pleased that they started to toss him hats and cloaks and tunics. They did this to such a prodigious degree that he was smothered to death by gifts from his fans.
In the fine year of 1970, a young man of 14 years went to Dodger Stadium to see the L.A. Dodgers play the San Francisco Giants. An enthusiastic lad by the name of Alan Fish was cheering during a moment of play wherein batter Manny Mota hit a foul into his area in the arena and smacked him right in the dome. He got knocked out for a minute or so. The young man seemed to be fine afterward, and he enjoyed the Giants winning the game, on account of he was a Giants fan. However, afterward, he was shaking and crying on the ride back home. His parents took him for medical aid, and they tried many things to help, including neurosurgery, but a few days later, he had a seizure and died. Truly the foulest ball. I hope he at least had a Dodger Dog before he got hit in the head.
So, while sad, those are some of the most ridiculous deaths I could find from research. I wouldn't want a cow to fall on me or a baseball to hit me in the noodle. Stay safe out there, and don't let too many people throw coats at you.
Stay well,
Wombstretcha
This article is dedicated to the memory of (thankfully not due to baseballs or cows) Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle, formerly the exuberant nature and science writer for this publication.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a baseball avoider, cow dodger, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on X as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
