I’ve rather emphatically established that I love the movie Road House, and one of the things I find admirable about Swayze’s OG incarnation of the Dalton character is his degree in philosophy. On its surface, that aspect of the character seems idiosyncratic—one might not initially see much use for philosophy to a rough-and-tumble bar bouncer, but it becomes a little clearer through the words of ancient Greek historian Thucydides: "The society that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards and its fighting done by fools." Well, I can't offer you a degree in philosophy, but I can offer a crash course in it. For starters, I’ve gathered a selection of teachings from the grandpappy of Western philosophy, Socrates.
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." Even if you do know stuff, things change. When I was in grade school, Pluto was still a planet, and all the globes and world maps still had the U.S.S.R. on them. When Pluto was reclassified as a dwarf planet, just as when the Berlin Wall came down, things I knew suddenly became wrong, and to accept those changes in my own mind was to employ (unknowingly at the time) this nugget of wisdom from ol’ Socrates. Once, when I was on the job, a bartender asked me to cut off a customer who was showing signs of intoxication. I spoke to the customer, and as it turned out, what looked like drunkenness was, in reality, caused by a disability. I ended the conversation, the customer carried on having fun, and the bartender presumably made more money (meaning, I made more on my tip out) pouring drinks for the customer that she wouldn't have poured if I'd charged ahead and performed the cut off believing I had the full picture from the get-go. “Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.” Listen up, sport. If my inclusion of this quote gets your undies in a bunch, maybe take a chill pill and listen up 'cuz there’s a good chance I included it for your benefit. No good comes from being a misogynist douchebag. Like Danny Trejo's character says in Anchorman: "You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now, and you're going to have to learn how to deal with it.” The only men that work at my club are bouncers and DJs. The bartender is the manager on duty there, which means I work in a place where men (except for the owners of the club, of course) are subordinate to women, period. It’s the women who tip me out, so ultimately, where do you think my loyalties lie? Have some goddamn humility, and stop feeling the need to convince everyone you're an "alpha." Seriously, nobody cares, bro.
“A system of morality which is based on relative emotional values is a mere illusion, a thoroughly vulgar conception which has nothing sound in it and nothing true.” Swayze himself illustrates Socrates’s point beautifully in the original Road House when explaining his rules to the bouncers of the Double Deuce: "I want you to remember that it's a job. It's nothing personal." One of the bouncers takes issue and asks, "Being called a cocksucker isn’t personal?” to which Dalton responds, "No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response." Another bouncer (who ends up getting fired soon after) still can't wrap his head around the concept of leaving emotion out of it and poses a hypothetical while wearing a smug grin: "Well, I wonder if somebody calls my mama a whore." That grin disappears quickly when Dalton answers with a hypothetical of his own: "Is she?" “Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for.” Socrates himself is encouraging you to go the easy route here—there's no need to start from scratch. The cool thing about books is that really smart people have dedicated a lot of time and effort to doing the mental heavy lifting on your behalf. Take advantage of that by reading their work and learning from it. If you’re reading this article, you’re off to a good start, but you should go read some stuff written by someone smarter than me. Grab a how-to book about that new hobby you’re trying to learn. Brush up on some world history. Get lost in a collection of poetry. Peruse some classic fiction. And while you’re at it, flip through a book on philosophy. Use your library card for something more than chopping lines at the after-party.
“Let him that would move the world first move himself.” Want to see things change? What’s stopping you from changing them? Lead by example. If you want to make more tips, start by not being a shitty tipper. If you want respect, start by being respectful. If you don’t—if you don’t believe in your ideas enough to embody them yourself, why should anyone else?
“The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.” If you want to be seen as trustworthy, your best bet is to be…that’s right, you guessed it, trustworthy. If you want to be seen as an artist, make some art. If you want to be seen as an athlete, start training. Be the thing you want people to perceive you to be. If you’re full of shit, someone is going to sniff you out eventually, and your reputation will take a hit. On the flip side, people respond well to genuineness. As my roommate Jack puts it, "Be the same person you always are, even when nobody's looking." “If a man is proud of his wealth, he should not be praised until it is known how he employs it.” There’s a particularly obnoxious genre of customer that I’m sure we’ve all dealt with. I’ve heard him called a few different names; Splenda Daddy, Daddy No Bucks, Pimpostor…but they’re all essentially the same guy. He comes in dressed all sharp and shit and struts around with a fistful of dollar bills, taking great care to make sure everyone sees how rich he is. He then proceeds to get a glass of water at the water station, which he sips while leering at the stage without ever tipping once. If you press this zero-dollar "baller" about tipping, he gets all huffy about it, and after a couple of reminders, he'll storm out, probably to go give your club a bad review on Yelp. If you encounter this species in the wild, get rid of "it" quickly, as they are a known invasive species that should not be left unchecked. If you are this guy, not only is nobody impressed, we're also making fun of you every time we encounter you.
Well, folks, that's all I have for this month. If you were really hoping for more philosophy, never fear—next month, I'll be moving on to Plato!
Nate Hazen’s Kickstarter for his TV project, Strip City, is live now. Check out @stripcitytv on Instagram and kickstarter.com/projects/natehazen/strip-city to support the project.
