This month, I’m focusing on celebrity-branded products. While one might be quick to think of Martha Stewart, Gordon Ramsay, or possibly even Rachael Ray, those do not count. They are cooks by trade, so it only makes sense for them to have their own food brands for humans and animals. I’m talking about celebrities who have no business endorsing certain things. Why is Lynda Carter’s face on a fire extinguisher? That sort of thing. This was inspired by a recent trip to the supermarket, wherein I saw one of the oddest product/celebrity endorsements I’ve seen in recent history. On with the list!
Shaq Burgers
Yes, this was what brought me here. I went to the meat department in my local grocery market and saw Shaq’s big, bald head peeking out from a package of two half-pound Angus beef burgers. But why? Shaq is a very large man, yes, and I assume he can demolish a huge burger in no time, but what brought him there? Did his big ol’ ass wake up one morning and say, "I know! I need to put my face on a bunch of burgers!"—I have no idea, but nevertheless, they were there. Of note, I did indeed buy them, as they were priced well, and stuck them in my smoker and cooked them. They were actually pretty damn good, so I can forgive Shaq for that one. I will not forgive him for his egg cooker, though. Also, it is obvious he is pointing at a pulled pork sandwich, but I’ll let him slide on that one, as I don’t think he knew what his photo would be pointing at.
Henry Winkler
Yeah, the Fonz. He did some weird voiceover commercials—very recently, I might add—where he played the voice of CGI pigeons so as to sell DirecTV. This was more odd than the Shaq burgers in that not only the Fonz but Steve-fucking-Buscemi voiced these birds, worried about how they couldn’t shit on a satellite dish because the users did not have DirecTV. Is...that an incentive? Obviously, the TV giant was like "naw." But why have pigeons talking about shitting when you’re trying to sell a TV service?!
Amy Schumer
Yes, yes, say what you will about the lady and the nature of her comedy, but she most assuredly endorsed Tampax—yes, the tampon company. She very vehemently stated that they were the best for stopping up your flow. Er, for someone not owning and operating a vagina and uterus, I’d assume she knows what’s up, but the delivery was sorta "Hey! Own a pussy? Cram this in there!" Is that what sells tampons? I am absolutely confounded, but I guess why not just go for "Yes, uterus blast!"
Michael Jordan
The GOAT. The legend and the possibly most amazing athlete of all time. His Airness, Michael Jordan. However, he endorsed a series of hot dogs, specifically Ball Park Franks. Now, Ball Park Franks are not exactly what you’d think when you think of Michael Jordan, but he stuck his face on them. Has Mr. Jordan ever actually eaten a Ball Park Frank? I should hope so. Otherwise, he’d be a goddamn liar. But I’m fairly sure Mr. Jordan has snuffled up many a Ball Park Frank. I mean, yes, money is a motivator, but you have to enjoy the product. And to be somewhat fair, they’re pretty good, so I hope #23 enjoyed them before slapping his face on there.
Paul Newman
This is sort of a sad one. We know the late Mr. Newman as having his company donate profits to charity. Great, yes? Well, it is, but a challenge in the tax code led to the foundation being pursued by the government, and an odd provision in the tax code could cause them to have to sell the company. Who could possibly hate the Paul Newman Foundation? Oh, the US government. Okay. Weird one, but damn. The foundation has delivered over 30 million dollars to 600 charities. Are you really gonna fuck with this? The answer is, "Yes, we are." While the initial report was from 2018, it seems the company is still mired in what pundits call "some fuckin’ ass bullshit."
Rap Snacks
I can’t really hate on this too much. They are small bags of chips that carry the faces of various rappers. I recall eating ones in 2003 that had Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s face on them. To their credit, the chips were, and are (as they still make them), pretty tasty. Probably better if you’re high or something, but still, as chips go...well, I thought they were great. All manner of rappers had their faces on these, from Ol’ Dirty to Master P, Meek Mill, Mack 10, and even Pastor Troy. Also, Bell Biv Devoe gets on there, but while I love the group, fuck Devoe.
Snoop Dogg
You know he was gonna end up here at some point, but I am specifically talking about when he was endorsing Hot Pockets...the casual microwave snack we likely all grew up with—two minutes and cool, let’s play SNES (or whatever console is appropriate to your timeline). However, Mr. Snoop was, in 2012, presumably tempted by a dump truck full of money to do the weirdest thing. Yes, he endorsed Hot Pockets. Did they really need this? I mean, everyone knows what they are and what they consist of. Nevertheless, Mr. Dogg remade his "Drop It Like It’s Hot" song into "Pocket Like It’s Hot" for the commercial. The video is utterly bizarre and can still be found online...if you’re bold enough. Also, it has Andy Milonakis spitting a verse for reasons I cannot comprehend.
Keanu Reeves
This was well before he was a star in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and his panoply of films since, eventually ending up as badass John Wick in his most recent movies, wherein he divested from his character as a stoned surfer and proceeds to murder a series of gangsters by sticking his finger up their buttholes. Well, in 1987, he was arranging Kellogg’s Corn Flakes into a series of bowls for some sort of fictional cavalcade of breakfast cereal enthusiasts. He does take a bite and rocks his head back in pure cornflake enjoyment. Essentially, in his first feature role with major screen time, he introduced us to the wonders of flaked corn, and we thank him for it.
These are some of the oddest things I could find in the nature of weird celebrity endorsements. There are certainly more, and I must apologize for the fact that most are fairly recent, but these are some of the most bizarre products I could either remember or find. And before anyone says it, the George Foreman grill is not included, as that man would put his name on anything. Swear to god, I could write an entire article just on stuff that man has stuck his face on. It’s innumerable. My underpants probably have George Foreman’s face on ’em somewhere.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a product endorser, not really a celebrity in any sense, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on X as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
