We know them. We grew up with them. They're the characters created by marketing people to sell us breakfast cereals. All of them distinct in their ways, but at the end of the day, that was their point: make you want the product they're selling. It's not a unique concept by any means. Many products have mascots, and many have been around for decades: there's Kool-Aid Man, Michelin Man, Colonel Fuckin' Sanders, Ronald McFuckin' Donald, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Clean, and so on. For reference, people have asked Procter & Gamble if Mr. Clean is gay, and the response was, "he has no interest in anything but making things clean." Nice dodge. However, that is not the focus here. I'm gonna pick some of the most famous breakfast mascots and give you all the breakdown.
Ranked in no particular order.
Cocoa Krispies have been around as long as the late '50s. That's right, they are that old. However, Coco the Monkey only came into being in the 1960s. Their prior mascot was apparently an elephant named Jose, who also liked chocolate cereals. He was dropped, and Coco stepped in. Coco has been around since, selling kids sugary delights. They even acknowledged the well-known fact that it turns the milk into chocolate milk in the ads. However, his appearance was stifled by contrived controversy over events in the recent past. He was far less of an asshole than a lot of the other cereal mascots out there, despite efforts to make a cereal-loving monkey more hip-looking since the late '80s. Just let him be a monkey, damn. Did he need jeans and a hat? However, he sang a catchy song about being a monkey and liking Cocoa Krispies. Not bad, Coco. You get a B.
Follow your nose. I never understood that catchphrase, as Froot Loops don't really smell like anything but unvacuumed carpet. Maybe if you have a big-ass beak like his, the nose knows where it goes. However, unlike other cereal mascots, he would lead the kids to the cereal rather than prevent them from having it. He deserves points for that, despite being annoying and British, for no particular reason. Are these even sold in the UK? My research shows that they were...once, for about a year. The Brits didn't care for Froot Loops, and they stopped distributing them after poor sales. Grade: D.
Now, this does reach back a bit. They used to have three cartoon bakers in the ads for Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the 1990s and early 2000s: the lead baker, Wendell, and side bakers Bob and Quello, all manufacturing this cereal that gets soggy if you look at it sideways, but was still pretty decent. Bob and Quello were eventually removed from the ads, leaving Wendell to be the main and only cartoon baker in charge of making Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It is rumored that he murdered them both with a cinnamon-coated whisk. He was eventually replaced by something far dumber but plump, jolly Wendell was the mascot for a long while—1990 to 2009. I'm assuming he stayed on top by mercilessly slaughtering his enemies with cinnamon toast-related implements before being brought down by his hubris. Grade: C.
Now, this fucking guy...he hatches bizarre schemes involving elaborate disguises and premises to obtain fruity cereal from children. The kids are never fooled. "Silly rabbit; Trix are for kids." Just give him a bowl of damn cereal, and he won't have to spend half his paycheck at Spirit Halloween buying costumes. Also, why would he not simply spend his disguise money on a box of the stuff? You're an idiot, Trix Rabbit. You get a D.
Lucky. Lucky is an asshole. He spends his entire existence preventing children from eating cereal, yet claims it's "part of this complete breakfast." I always, even as a kid, noted that the "complete breakfast," of which it was a part, was this mammoth affair with OJ, milk, toast, a whole chicken, and fucking dinosaur eggs. In conclusion, Lucky can vacuum farts out of a kangaroo's hopping ass, but points for keeping those kids off his dry, stale marshmallows. Grade: C-
I can't hate Tony. Not a bit. Not only was he positive as can be, he was also an enduring cereal mascot who provided cereal to kids and encouraged athleticism. He's probably the GOAT of cereal mascots. He's grrrreat, even though he did cheat on his wife with a soap opera actress and got blown out in the news that one time. Grade: A.
Do you remember those Quizno's commercials with those absolutely spastic creatures called Spongmonkeys trying to sell sandwiches? That's what this shithead reminds me of. He's like a...neurotic and cereal-obsessed hairy CGI muppet who basically gets his PTSD triggered by seeing Honeycomb cereal and must eat it! Imagine having your breakfast stolen by a psychopathic mop. Fuck this guy. He gets an F. Stay away from children, asshole! Also—and this may be subjective—Honeycomb cereal is two inches from tasteless. It tastes like almost nothing...kinda like Kix. Fight me.
As stated in the ads, you and the Cap'n make it happen. I liked the character, but eating Cap'n Crunch was the polar opposite of eating Life cereal. Life gets soggy when you blink*, but eating the Cap'n is like setting off a nail bomb in your mouth if you don't let it sit for a few minutes first. His commercials even had him fighting bad guys called "soggies" for a time—enemies who would try to sog up Cap'n Crunch's cereal. Nothing doing, you brigands! The Cap'n took a hard rudder to starboard and gave them a full, 30-cannon broadside, then sent a boarding party to capture their ship and execute the crew. All joking aside, that stuff would, as promised, remain crunchy. Cap'n pulls a solid B+ as a mascot. He did what he said he was gonna do: secure crunchiness. He was eventually promoted to Real Admiral Crunch.
Fuck these elvish assholes. Did we need elves to sell us Rice Krispies? No. However, I wonder who would win in a fight between them and the Keebler elves. I rank Snap a C-, Crackle a D, and Pop a C+. Pop more-or-less knew what was going down.
Yeah, we get it. He's "urban." A wonderful way to dodge, yet implement, stereotypes. That said, I do like his cereal, and he was generally a fairly wholesome, if stupid, character. Grade: B.
He and Dig 'Em Frog kinda sorta fall into the same category, and I know they're both iconic mascots, but...why does he sound like Dean Martin? Do kids even know who that is? They'd probably listen to ol' Dino and be like, "Hey, he sounds like Sugar Bear." He gets a B+ just because that was the direction they took a cartoon cereal mascot. "I know! Let's make him an animated cereal-bear Dean Martin!" Can't get enough Super Golden Crisp. I'm surprised nobody made a Jerry Lewis mascot to sell Grape Nuts or something.
Yes, he is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Sonny, you're a wannabe Toucan Sam, you know it, and you're an alcoholic who pushed his aunt down the stairs to steal her wheelchair. Grade: C-.
Count Chocula (despite unresolved, important dental issues), Franken Berry (despite having a serious heroin problem all the other monsters are worried about), Boo Berry (despite his love of jacking off in his neighbor's bird bath), Fruit Brute (who is now known as "Frute Brute," is currently in prison for stealing an ambulance to go make out with a grade-school teacher), and Yummy Mummy (who is missing, and presumed to be in Mexico, hiding out). Grade B+.
Yet another in a series of mascots who care to deprive people of cereal. Cookie Crook (and his dog, who for some reason also wears a mask over his eyes) would purloin the famous Cookie Crisp cereal, only to be caught by the Cookie Cop. Though, after it all resolved and Cookie Crook was behind bars for the heinous crime of cereal theft, Cookie Cop would just fucking eat it after he locked them up. In front of Cookie Crook, even! Isn't that evidence? You goddamn fascist. All of you get a grade D. Except for the dog. He gets a B.
I think I have covered most of the major players in the cereal game. There are many more out there, and perhaps I’ll grade some more on their performance and share it with the class at a point, but I think I covered most of the heavy hitters.
Now, everyone has their own opinions, but I am talking mostly about the characters and not so much about the products. These are, in many cases, evolutions of concepts that have gone through focus groups, marketing meetings, graphic designers, film directors…all manner of industry experts, executives, and then more. Sometimes, though, you still end up with the weird Honeycomb hairball thing at the end of the day.
Eat a good breakfast, and enjoy life.
-Wombstretcha
*This is not a comment regarding existential dread. It’s just about Life cereal. But I guess both can apply.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a Honeycomb demon, writer, retired rapper, and part of this complete breakfast from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
