I realize I'm super late to the game on this issue, but here's another fucking Portland article about Live Nation's quest to build a "mid-sized" venue on the Central Eastside of the Willamette River. We were recently told by the Lord of Exotic to avoid local politics, and I feel like I'm flirting with the edge here, but rest assured I'm not picking a side.
Whether Live Nation should build another fucking venue on the east bank of the Willamette or Monqui and Anschutz build a similarly sized venue in the Lloyd Center (if you want to build something there, please reference my genius suggestions in the July 2023 issue), I really couldn't care less—I mostly want to know what the fuck a "mid-sized" venue is? I'm ashamed to say I always assumed that shit like Crystal Ballroom, Roseland, and Revolution Hall was "mid-sized," and then a "small" venue would be like the original Doug Fir Lounge (only 300 capacity! For some reason, it always felt bigger). Regardless, apparently, these Portland favorites are considered “small.” A ”mid-sized” venue holds closer to 3,000 attendees.
Live Nation’s proposal would hold 3,500 standing. I guess I just don’t understand what the “gap in the market” is that both sides are referring to. The first thing you notice when you move to Portland is that every artist comes to Portland. Who is skipping Portland, which has a draw between Crystal Ballroom and Moda Center? The last time Japanese Breakfast came through, they just did that thing where they cut Moda Center in half and called it Theater Of The Clouds. At the height of Modest Mouse's powers, at the Portland kickoff of the "Good News" tour, they just played five consecutive nights at Crystal Ballroom. I fail to see the gap they're referring to. Keller and the Schnitz hold about 3,000, but I guess that doesn't fill this magical gap cause it's sitting room only. What about Edgefield? If you want something bigger, we have Ridgefield north of the border (they could fit Alanis Morrisette in there).
Okay, fine. Those are all outdoors, so maybe the super specific niche gap is something the size of Keller but is standing-room only. I scoured the internet to see what acts Portland is missing out on and saw some names thrown around, like LCD Soundsystem, Beck, and Wilco. I call bullshit; I guarantee this city can find a way to host these "mid-sized” acts.
I recently biked by the lot that Live Nation has its eye on to develop into this gap-filler. I heard one pretty convincing argument against it due to its proximity to the train tracks. Can you imagine a "mid-sized" venue-worth of traffic pile-up behind the tracks? Build a venue off the MAX line. What's going on with that vacant land off the southwest bank, right next to the Tilikum Bridge?
Feel free to send your hate mail my way to prove me wrong and explain why we need another fucking music venue at all. In the meantime, here are some other things we could build on that vacant lot, snuggly tucked between the train tracks and the river.
There’s clearly a market gap in 100-capacity breweries that exclusively serve cask ale and are family friendly until 10 p.m. Clearly, we need to build another brewery to meet this unmet demand in the market. Where are families who only like cask ale going to go in Portland? They're gonna just drive three hours to Seattle to go to Machine House. We must solve this and build another brewery in Portland to fill this gap. Although several breweries in Portland offer some exclusive cask ales and several others are family friendly, and there is definitely overlap, I think this warrants building a completely new brewery. Look at the gap.
One thing I’ve noticed since the legalization of weed in Oregon is that I will sometimes drive six whole blocks without seeing a weed store. Outrageous. This is not only legal but necessary for some of us who unironically call it “medicine.” If there isn’t a weed store on every corner of every block of this city, how can we, as an urban community, sleep at night? Literally how? We need it to sleep.
I don't want to hear about statistics like Portland having more strip clubs per capita than any other city—or that there are twice as many strip clubs as there are public restrooms—or that there is literally one strip club for every 9,000 residents of this city. There's definitely a gap in the market for a pescatarian strip club. We have a steak house strip club and a vegan strip club, and everyone reading this knows I'm not making this up, but what about the market demand for people who only eat fish? Hey! It would also have a great view of the river if we built on that lot. I promise I’m not pitching this just so I have another distribution spot for my journalism.
You might say that Portland has every conceivable base covered in terms of food cart pods, from indoor to outdoor, to hybrid, to ones with firepits, to ones with movie nights, to ones attached to beer gardens. Well, you would be wrong. There is a gap in the market for food cart pods that are located between industrial train tracks and a river. We must act quickly to fill this extremely specific gap in the market and build a food cart plaza between industrial train tracks and a river. Please hurry.
If Kelly's Olympian lost its main talent buyer due to the venue trying to move towards more karaoke nights, it clearly shows that there is still unmet demand in the market. Understandably, this city does not have enough karaoke clubs. If you've ever waited to have your name called, you'll know how serious this problem is. Jokes aside, rather than building a new karaoke club, is there any way we can just bring back Boiler Room on NW Davis? Asking for myself.
