As human beings, we feel it's our birthright to be given a proper death, or at least one that didn't catch us off guard. Say, for instance, being hit by an oncoming bus or colon cancer. Both were completely preventable, yet somehow they happened and now you are where you are today, roughly 6 feet deep in the ground, hanging out with worms and bugs and maybe Aunt Carol.
[Side Fact: About 75% of colon and butt cancers can be prevented or at least not kill you. This usually requires you to get the scope up your butt. I highly suggest doing this at the right age (I mean…you could do it before, but...why?) You also get good drugs during the procedure. I would know. I worked in GI.]
In those instances, you don't really have time to plan out your last thoughts or sentiments. You are taken completely by surprise and, instead, are flooded with a jarring reminder that you left the oven on—and also, it doesn't matter anymore because...oh crap, you're dying, and it feels weird what's about to happen?!
[Side fact: People have died leaving their slow cookers on. However, the causes of death were not ultimately determined to be caused by the slow cooker being left on, and probably thanks to good PR, the makers of said crock of pot state that their slow cookers are safe to use. So, keep those babies on all day if you are like me and want your roast falling off the bone. Damn the man and whoever says you can't eat brownie batter because of raw eggs. They're just trying to keep you from good-tasting things. And maybe, a rare death. Maybe.]
Death by surprise is not something we can prepare ourselves for. There is absolutely no way to tell if a bald eagle is going to drop a turtle on your bald head, thinking it was a rock that day. Your last thoughts will probably be mundane, just as these folks' were, so putting too much thought into what you plan to say to people before you die is somewhat pointless since you won't really know when it happens. Don't prepare for anything.
[Fun legend: Greek playwright Aeschylus' death was apparently caused by a bald eagle dropping a turtle onto his shiny, bald head, thinking it was a rock. There was a picture of this drawn by an artist, who had most likely intended for this to be placed on stained glass. Now that is leaving a mark on society and possibly assisting other bald men in making sure to watch over their heads or to keep their heads covered, at least.]
I decided to go into what may be some people’s final thoughts before being sent to the great, unknowing void without time to prepare proper send-offs and hate letters to those they care for and wish ill will on.
Stacey, 39 – Killed by a tall, unsecured bookshelf falling onto her when attempting to reorganize her shelves after having one of her friends tell her that it was organized poorly – “This is absolutely not happening. I knew I should have placed this shelf where I could find a stud in the wall...I just didn't wanna do the work. Fuck, I hope I look smart with all my books organized correc…”
Terry, 44 – Killed by an oncoming bus while trying to get to his job, going over why people in the city should consider the bus the safest method of transportation. Terry had never taken a bus himself. – “Oh my god… isn’t it ironic…I hate that song, ahh!…”
Jack, 22 – Whale watching with his girlfriend, who he was looking forward to banging on a boat, he wanted to see if he could touch the killer whale’s fin, fell overboard, and was picked up by a shark – "She’s going to be so impressed when I touch this wha---oh fuck it’s slippery, Jesus I’m falling, I hope we have sex after thi---fuck, what the…a real shark? Jaws? Ow! Can I have sex with one leg---”
Gayle, 37, and Todd, 42 – While walking outside of her apartment, Gayle had a successful (accidental) suicide attempt occur from the 14th story of her complex. Todd landed on Gayle, doing them both in simultaneously – Gayle: 'I wonder how many carbs are in bagels compared to donuts. I'd simply die if I was allergic to carb---' Todd was at that moment thinking: 'I didn’t want to fall, I wanted to…fuck…lady! This is so stup---'
Jeremy, 26 – Tired and cold, coming home from a 14-hour day at the spaghetti factory, placed a bowl of leftover chili in the microwave but forgot to remove the tinfoil covering it. After seeing a fire start, he immediately opened the microwave and was blasted in the face with hot chili and tinfoil, which caused Jeremy to run out of the house to put snow on his face…forgetting about the hard ice outside his door. Tripped on the ice and hit his head. His cat ate his chili. – “Hormel chili is better than Olive Garden, but not their breadsticks. I should feed the cat. Oh shit, the foil…fuck, my face! Oh my god, cat, don’t eat my face, snow…yeah snow, oh shi…ice…Ah---”
Jeremy, 26 – Tired and cold, coming home from a 14-hour day at the spaghetti factory, placed a bowl of leftover chili in the microwave but forgot to remove the tinfoil covering it. After seeing a fire start, he immediately opened the microwave and was blasted in the face with hot chili and tinfoil, which caused Jeremy to run out of the house to put snow on his face…forgetting about the hard ice outside his door. Tripped on the ice and hit his head. His cat ate his chili. – “Hormel chili is better than Olive Garden, but not their breadsticks. I should feed the cat. Oh shit, the foil…fuck, my face! Oh my god, cat, don’t eat my face, snow…yeah snow, oh shi…ice…Ah---”
At the end of it all, there is really no dignified way to go, and very rarely are there going to be significant last words or thoughts. I, for one, don't really care what my last thoughts or words are. I hope to be extremely high on a specific cocktail of…supplements and to be left out in someone's backwoods to be found years later, eaten by wolves, on a murder mystery show. More than likely, though, I'll probably end up catching hypothermia from keeping my window and fan running even during the wintertime when I’m 94 years old. I don't want to live to be 94, but my family genes unfortunately point to the fact that we just don't want to die, even after heavily imbibing in alcohol and smoke.
Last thoughts on last thoughts, don't think too much about it, and enjoy the weirdness life is offering you now. If you're really curious, I guess it's that time of year to whip out your Ouija board and ask the dead people (hopefully people) what their last thoughts were before they passed. I’m certain they are just as uninteresting as the provided examples, but go ahead and spend your time asking.
Hannah One Cup can be found online on Facebook by her name or on TikTok via @thursdaynight_depression This Halloween, she plans on not thinking about last thoughts but maybe visiting a few graveyards. She'll probably also enter a costume contest and lose because no one understands her references. As someone once said in a forgotten sci-fi film, "You're Mickey Mouse is one big, stupid dope.”.
