Greetings, my fellow nudity enjoyers and cinephiles. After repeatedly sending my peer-reviewed and workshopped film reviews to everyone’s favorite local adult entertainment magazine, it appears the editor finally decided to give me a chance and put my words to print. While it’s still not clear why it took them so long to respond to my monthly queries, what is clear is the noticeable lack of film-centered content in this publication. I’m here to finally change that! It seemed appropriate to have a rather scary feature for the October edition, so strap in and grab some lube.
Spoilers Ahead
The Alien series has always been rooted in sex. The original 1979 horny horror masterpiece relished in sexual anxiety. It very purposefully played with penetration, impregnation, and lots and lots of phallic-shaped things, not to mention fluids galore! Even without the written-but-not-filmed sex scene between Ripley and Dallas, the original movie includes plenty of titillation that anyone with an imagination can crank it to. You even get some decent shots of the ship's porno collection, plus Sigourney Weaver’s skimpy final girl outfit at the last showdown. Sucks she couldn’t convince the studio to do the scene nude like she originally wanted to. Stupid prudes. I thought the ‘70s were supposed to be sex-positive.
The franchise, unfortunately, took a rather chaste turn for the next few movies, with none of the titillating scary boners that made the original great. The weird fourth one by that weird French guy did have that hot foot rub scene, but it wasn’t nearly long enough to get the nut off. Once Ridley Scott decided to wrestle the franchise back, we saw some good gratuitous banging scenes in both Prometheus and Alien: Covenant, but these felt like shoehorned-in PG-13 sex scenes.
I was hoping that with Alien: Romulus, which touted a “return to form” vibe of the original, we’d also see a return to the confused boners that made the original great. Not so! And forgive me for thinking we’d finally get some proper monster-on-girl erotica from the trailers. I’ve never felt more cock-teased.
This movie had all the raw materials to outdo the original in terms of scenes you don’t want your parents to walk in on. Instead of a bunch of working-class grunts, we got a bunch of lusty, drunk youngins trying to break into a government facility! I mean, come on, Fede! You’re leaving money shots on the table there. I should’ve guessed after watching his remake of Evil Dead. His reinterpretation of the super hot tree branch scene lacked that forbidden spark that made the original scene so jerk-worthy. Now, don't get me wrong, there is some stuff in here that gave me at least a half-chub. Finally, we get an Alien movie that actually graphically depicts the facehugger’s weiner thing throat-fucking someone. But most of these scenes were from the trailer. Didn’t see anything more. Just a little treat for hardcore horny Geiger fans. Not enough to nut, but maybe when it comes to Netflix, you can get some good pause frames.
The final girl does have her little underwear scene homage to the original, but it’s much shorter and even less revealing than Sigourney’s. We don’t even get any buttcrack or bush that had to be airbrushed out above the panty line. I mean, they basically remade the last scene, so you might as well use it as an opportunity to right the wrongs of the horny police in the ‘70s. If we don’t get to see our final girl naked, we could at least get some overgrown pubic hair bustin' out of her panties. I mean, this thing is literally stuffed to the brim with references to the original film; why not go metareference and also help us get off at the same time?
The biggest disappointment for me was the pregnant gal. Once the character (I forget her name) mentioned she was pregnant (from her cousin, no less!), I got my tissue and lotion ready. I thought, hell yes, we got an incest preggo cutie, a bunch of penis monsters, and a motivation to outdo the 1979 franchise debut? Let's go! But, no dice. I was so let down...no graphic birth scene or even a quick shot of some vag. I was so mad that I chucked my box of tissues at the usher, who asked me to zip up my pants. I got a little excited when she touched what I assume were her lactating breasts (off-screen, of course) and pulled up some milky gray substance. I thought, okay, here it is, two hours of waiting, and finally a show-stopping confused boner masterpiece. I got up and picked up my box of tissues despite the protests of the rest of the theater attendees. We even have the rip-off of the alien-human hybrid thing from the weird French one smiling at lactating mama. Nothing. We cut away, and next, we see the pair—he's biting her neck or some horseshit. What, he's a vampire now?
Once again, I’ll need to wait for the porn parody of this one on Digital Playground.
1/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
