Cocktails, mixed drinks, whatever you want to call these mixtures of flavor and alcohol—typically, people make cocktails in an effort to provide a flavorful experience, but sometimes, things go wrong. Very wrong.
I'm collating a list of the worst things anyone could care to imbibe and, if possible, why they visited these beverages upon the public. The sad truth is that most of the time, you have to pay for the privilege of being given an awful swig of disgust, but I suppose that if you can get away with it, then why not? Now, cocktails are a storied tradition of getting people hammered without them barking at the sharp bite of straight liquor, and there are many fine and delightful beverages one can consume that both satisfy and intoxicate. We are not exploring those. For every weird but wonderful drink, as a French 75 (a mixture of cane syrup, gin, lemon juice, and champagne), there are some utterly foul things that people have designed and consumed. Let's take a look!
Ranked in no particular order, but think twice before ordering any of these.
Yeah, it's called that. It's 1 part beer and 1 part milk, mixed together in a sturdy glass mug and downed by the most determined of lactose-tolerant boozehounds. I cannot find much information about the provenance of this drink, but it seems to have originated as a joke in New England, according to my diligent research. However, I must suggest that if you care to research this for yourself, make sure you use the keyword "beverage" or "drink" in the search, or you are going to see things you do not wish to see.
Doesn't that name just provoke you into delight? Here's the breakdown. It's 1 part vodka, 1 part bloody mary mix, and a 1/2 part of cottage-fucking-cheese. Sounds just heavenly. Stir those together, and you get something that looks like a cancer patient's vomit. Down the hatch! No refunds! They got the name right, though. It quite seriously looks like something that should not exist, let alone be consumed. I am getting some kind of vibe that the bartender on duty had been sampling their product...for like a year.
This is kind of an odd one, as you can't really make it at home. In the Sourdough Saloon in Dawson City, Canada, they make this very specific drink. It gets weird here. The story behind this is that in the '20s, a pair of bootleggers who were brothers were running sauce down over the border, but one of the Linkin brothers got his foot frozen as he trod through the ice. His brother, being of keen mind, thought to chop his thoroughly frozen toe off with an axe. The toe was stuck in a jar of alcohol, as they were hooch runners, and it lived in the shack they had sheltered from the cold. Come some 50 years later, in the mid-1970s, a man called Captain Dick Stevenson ostensibly found the toe jar in the old shack. He had a great idea as a result: "I'm gonna put it in booze and make people drink it!" He started a drinking club, and the rules for admission, in his words, were, "You can drink it fast. You can drink it slow. But your lips must touch that gnarly toe." And it gets even weirder! In 2013, someone at the bar ordered the sourtoe, but he ate the toe! On purpose! He was subsequently beaten with sticks and ran out of town...no word on if they beat the toe out of him.
I know what you're thinking. When you hear the term "prairie oyster," you think of the Midwestern delight, which is bull testicles in sauce. Not so in this case, but that doesn't mean it's better. You have to understand that the prairie oyster cocktail has no nuts involved but is instead comprised of a raw egg (yolk unbroken) with Worcestershire sauce, vinegar, and salt 'n' pepper. It is supposed to taste like an oyster shooter, but according to witness accounts, it tastes like a pickled abortion in a shot glass. Invented in Texas in the 1890s, it apparently served the needs of people who clearly had no idea what an oyster actually tasted like. They might have been better off just using the bull testicles.
Already, I am sure you must be thinking, "What the absolute fuck, and why would anyone ever order such a thing?" This is a solid question. Why people might order them is a matter of personal taste, but why it was invented, my research has failed to find. So what is it? Buckle up. It's a cocktail composed of Bailey's, vodka, lemon juice, tomato juice, tequila, and whiskey. Does that sound like anything anyone without a death wish would ever desire to consume? Pro tip: no, it is not. I did find out roughly where it got its start, but not why. It originated at a bar in Texas, to the best I could find out in my research. Why is Texas doing this to us? It may never be known. Nevertheless, it reminds me of the trick you play on alcohol noobies when they turn 21, and you tell them you're ordering cement mixers.
Yes, this means "the hooker," or at least "the ho," depending on context. It's a Spanish term for ladies of loose morals and applied instances of vaginas for purposes of commerce. As we're all fans of those here, we'll proceed with what the drink is. It is a substance crafted from tequila, Tabasco sauce, and the juice from an entire can of tuna. It has been said to either be the worst thing in the world or, alternatively, the world's best hangover cure. Still not sure why tuna juice made it in there, but we get to lay the blame surely on Mexico at this point. Originating in border towns and tourist resorts, I have a sneaking suspicion that they were thinking, "Okay, what can we get these fuckers to drink?"
This one...this is certainly a thing. Is it a good thing? I'm going to subjectively say "no." You may disagree, but let us discuss the key components, of which there are two. Jägermeister and mayonnaise. Don't look at me like that! I am not in any way responsible for this. The proper serving of this one is a shot of Jägermeister, topped with a thrilling, heaping spoonful of mayo. Down the pipes it goes! It may, perhaps, come back up by the same channel.
So, we see that the depths to which you even think you can sink have been subordinated. You can drink all the booze you want, but these items are here to wreck not only your day but possibly even your sanity. I'm no stranger to the sauce, but I'm not going to put any of these on my "let's get a drink before we see a movie" list.
Enjoy life, and don't drink these unless you really want to make a bet with your stomach as to who can tolerate it all.
–Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a horse jizz denier, toe eater, Mexican whore, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
