Ah, the merch table. The tiny, little avenue of commerce where the working musician makes any money. The one place where musicians (who are often—with other artists—a bastion of leftist ideology) debase themselves and submit to the evils of capitalism.
It shouldn’t have to be this way. However, since the labor of your performance is simply not valued anymore, we sad bastards can only make any money by peddling little wares at a table by the bathroom door.
Don’t feel that bad, fellow bottom-shelf musicians! This appears to be the case even in the upper echelons. Members of Arcade Fire and Mastodon have said in interviews that the only way they make money anymore is by going on tour. Even then, the only real income they see is from merchandise sales. Don't ask for sources; I'm too lazy to find the interviews in question. Just believe me.
It checks out, though. For most shows at Moda Center, you'll notice that the merchandise kiosk is just clothes, mainly T-shirts. This is because clothing is a pretty universally consumed item, and it's relatively cheap to make (for now, we'll see what happens with the cute little game of Tariff Keepaway the convicted rapist and failed reality TV star is playing with the global economy). They're also lightweight. Rarely will you see vinyl records, CDs, or non-clothing items at the bigger shows. It's much cheaper to just ship boxes and boxes of T-shirts on tour with the band and then sell them for about 60 bucks.
Writer's note: I should mention that The Cure, at their Moda Center performance in 2022, actually sold their T-shirts for $20 or thereabouts. They also demanded evil Ticketmaster lower their highway robbery, monopoly, bullshit prices. But again, this is the exception, not the rule. They can't all be saints like Robert Smith.
As one of the non-Moda Center musicians reading this, I'm sure you're no stranger to peddling T-shirts at your dumb, little shows for much the same reason. Everyone, besides nudists and tank top weirdos, wears T-shirts, and it's a decently cheap item to order in bulk.
But don’t you wish you could sell something else? Have some variety on that foldout table by the bathroom door? I can tell you the customer wishes you had something else. They can only buy so many fucking T-shirts! I’ve seen so many different, weird band merch ideas, from charm bracelets to condoms, to literal posters of the performer's bare ass. All fun and good, but something I've noticed that consumers respond to, in terms of buying something with your logo on it—it's gotta be something they’re gonna use. Lighters are great. Beer koozies, too, although I still don't know anyone who actually uses one. If your beer is too cold for your poor little hand, just drink it faster, dummy. Still, these wares are exactly the kind that'll sell like hotcakes because it's easy to slap your logo on them, and they’re things that everyone uses every day. Think about the kinds of people that go to your shows and think about the kinds of things they'll always have on them.
Pipes
Lighters are one thing, but what about the other paraphernalia related to smoking? Imagine your band name or logo slapped on a glass or metal pipe. You'll be on everyone's coffee table! Glass too rich for your blood? Just spray paint Coke cans, crush 'em, and poke holes in 'em. Cheap merch! And it’s a thing your fans will always use!
Flasks
You don’t see flasks much anymore. But I guess you’re not supposed to, right? Still. With who knows what’s happening with this tariff nonsense, Mexican tequila, Swedish vodka, and real Scotch might start to balloon in price. Let’s bring back sneaking our own booze into bars! As your fans duck into the bathroom to take swigs in between the shots you buy at the bar, they can bond over their favorite local bands!
Little Plastic Baggies
Speaking of sneaking off to the bathroom, what’s another thing that all the average music enjoyers also enjoy? Especially in Portland? That's right! Nose candy! Despite what your older family members and those annoying, straight-edge kids say, everyone loves blow! No one thinks of stamping their logo on everyone’s favorite little piece of plastic. Hell, if only there was also a way to sell these little baggies pre-loaded with an eight ball. I suppose that’s on you and whatever connections you have.
Straws
Branding! Branding! Branding! You got your band name or logo on the little baggy? Put it on the straw, too! With plastic straws coming back in vogue (fuck them turtles), these will probably be super cheap to buy in bulk. Then, just put a sticker on or draw on your band name or logo. We've lost the war with microplastics anyway, so we might as well have some fun.
Remember, the best-selling merchandise is the stuff that people use on the reg. It’s not about what you’re trying to sell, it’s about what your customer needs. And everyone needs a thing to put their favorite drugs in! Since we can’t destroy capitalism, we may as well game it as best we can. Best of luck, losers!
