Well, here I am, once again, using this platform that Exotic has so generously handed me for the purpose of shameless self-promotion. Last June, I wrote about Strip City, the TV sitcom that I co-wrote with a friend and that I was—and still am—pursuing. I pushed my Kickstarter campaign to raise money to pay for the pilot filming. As it turns out, times are tough, and Kickstarter failed to meet the set funding goal. Not one to let that stop me, I set out dreaming up alternate means of raising money...

As I was basting my untrimmed chicken thighs in mayonnaise after deciding to make deep-fried Japanese goodness, I paused that moment in time, for a moment in time, and realized what I was doing. Didn’t mayo used to cost more than eggs? And the other part of this equation…mayonnaise has eggs.

Why was I basting my soon-to-be-crunchy chicken leg flaps in mayonnaise? Because eggs cost 8 dollars a dozen, and I had one measly egg left, and I had bigger, more eggy plans for it. I didn't want to waste that golden egg on battering its mother's thighs, so I went in for the mayo. I hate mayonnaise. I absolutely abhor it. The smell, the texture, the taste. I literally only use it to make my sandwich a little wet, my famous Hawaiian macaroni salad (I had no idea when I became known for this), and this scenario right here...

Ah, the merch table. The tiny, little avenue of commerce where the working musician makes any money. The one place where musicians (who are often—with other artists—a bastion of leftist ideology) debase themselves and submit to the evils of capitalism.

It shouldn’t have to be this way. However, since the labor of your performance is simply not valued anymore, we sad bastards can only make any money by peddling little wares at a table by the bathroom door.

Don’t feel that bad, fellow bottom-shelf musicians! This appears to be the case even in the upper echelons. Members of Arcade Fire and Mastodon have said in interviews that the only way they make money anymore is by going on tour. Even then, the only real income they see is from merchandise sales. Don't ask for sources; I'm too lazy to find the interviews in question. Just believe me...

Stuff! We live in a glorious world of stuff, things, items, and objects! Services! People providing us with their expertise of some skill or resource we ourselves do not have! Of course, this means that everyone likes a bargain whenever they need those things; keep the ol' wallet as fat as possible.

However, in my learned experience of seeing discounts, I have seldom been rewarded for my frugality with much but disappointment. As they say, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is...