As I was basting my untrimmed chicken thighs in mayonnaise after deciding to make deep-fried Japanese goodness, I paused that moment in time, for a moment in time, and realized what I was doing. Didn’t mayo used to cost more than eggs? And the other part of this equation…mayonnaise has eggs.
Why was I basting my soon-to-be-crunchy chicken leg flaps in mayonnaise? Because eggs cost 8 dollars a dozen, and I had one measly egg left, and I had bigger, more eggy plans for it. I didn't want to waste that golden egg on battering its mother's thighs, so I went in for the mayo. I hate mayonnaise. I absolutely abhor it. The smell, the texture, the taste. I literally only use it to make my sandwich a little wet, my famous Hawaiian macaroni salad (I had no idea when I became known for this), and this scenario right here. This basting of chicken in gloopy mayo brought me back to when I was living on food stamps, and the plasma donation center chair was my second office space twice a week.
I laughed as I recalled this, holding the gloopy, mayonnaise-covered chicken thigh, and un-paused that moment. “It can be worse,” I laughed to myself out loud. Sort of.
So, starting on that really high note, I thought I would share some tricks of the trade on survival through what's most likely to be at least your second depression/recession/whatever-you-wanna-call-being-really-broke-all-of-a-sudden era.
An EGGsellent Solution
No eggs? No problem. You don't even need to tell me why you don't have eggs; I don't care. I understand the assignment. Baking? Use vegetable oil, baking powder, and water. I'll let you weasel out how much of each. It works the same…if not better, than wasting an egg in a loaf of bread you won't even taste it in. Deep frying? Mayonnaise. It does the same thing as an egg; it's made of oil and eggs, and you won't taste it when it's fried. You also can feel like less of a monster for making an unfertilized egg lather its mother's thighs. I never did feel like a monster…maybe I am one…
Tommy Two-Toes
Shoes falling apart, and you don't have money for new shoes? Don't feel like sussing out the shoe department of Goodwill, or don't have a friend with your same size? Don't worry—I got you. Find some electrical tape. The black stuff. It's shiny and actually looks like your shoes are meant to look…however they end up looking after you wrap them up in it. The key is to have a pattern. If your toes are showing, maybe just do the front part and wrap it up well with the electrical tape (yes, wrap around; don't just put tape on the toe hole. It'll come off almost immediately and really make the situation more awkward). I swear, I think I remember this being popular with some generation at some point…or maybe I was just always poor, and this was something we told ourselves…
Payday Loans
No, stay the hell away from those places; they are evil, bad, no-good money devils that will eat your paychecks and soul until you are soon owing your workplace for money you are trying to get in advance to pay back the payday loan. Do what I do...donate plasma. Or get good at dancing. If you don’t need money right away, another thing I had found pretty lucrative are these online surveys that pay in gift cards. Either use the gift card or cash it in for 70 cents to the dollar. Money. There you go. And you don’t owe anyone anything. Robbing liquor stores or Fred Meyers is pretty much out of the question now that there are literally security guards at all entrances, waiting for someone to just try getting out of the store without paying for a tall boy. Not that I condone stealing anyways…but when "times is tough," Fred Meyer will be the last store to suffer horrible losses. Just saying…
Phone Got Shut Off
Oh, that's an easy fix. If you have Wi-Fi, just use a Wi-Fi call app. I used to use WhatsApp, but it's through Meta now, and I've all but blacklisted Facebook and all Zuckface has created at this point. There are tons of options available here. Just look into it. Not having money for a phone bill doesn't have to be an end to a means. You can also try carrier pigeons. Give pigeons a job! Please! They're jobless on the streets, barely surviving, with homes made of twigs and cigarette butts. Let's make carrier pigeons a thing again. There is a hashtag there, somewhere…
No Money for Wi-Fi
I gotcha again! In Portland and Seattle, and I'm sure some major towns and cities in between, there are free Wi-Fi areas that actively advertise this as a service they're proud to provide. You can look these up online (if you're already in an area with Wi-Fi at that time, like a Fred Meyer or Slaveway). You can also just not use the internet. I mean, what can the internet give you that your own ingenuity can't already handle? Hungry? Don't know what to eat? Go drive somewhere. Literally everywhere has a restaurant. There is a restaurant on almost any corner of every major city. You do not need GrubChub. Trying to look up facts about a topic you swear you know more about to a friend? Obviously, you don't if you have to use your phone or computer to look it up. At that point, think about what you're doing and whether it's worth even knowing. It's called practicing mindfulness. You will never, ever need to know "how many grains of salt are on a typical beach?" Never. If, for some reason, you do still need to know this fact, go to the damn library. They need your patronage. Libraries are so underrated…
Side note…libraries can provide you with almost any resource you need for anything ever. Social anxiety and need to make an appointment? The librarian can legally do this for you. Need to know some areas with free Wi-Fi, other than the library you're standing in? The library can give you this. Need to use a computer to look up facts about sand on beaches? They got the 'net! They even have books! Such an underrated, underutilized source of a literal wealth of knowledge makes me want to tell anyone who asks me a question to just, "Go ask the librarian, bitch." The librarian knows all or is mostly all-knowing.
I guess that’s everything I wanted to share with you guys. Really, I just wanted to talk about how useful the library is, but I felt that an entire article on that might require me to either create some sort of sexy story to go along with the facts I provide…or a different reading audience altogether. I know where our magazines are viewed/read, and that's who I write for. You (*insert genuine smiley face here*).
Hannah One Cup can be found reading a book at the library before having to return to the eggless reality she lives in, basting chicken with mayonnaise when she feels like deep frying something. Send her a carrier pigeon sometime. She’d totally love that.
