Once again, another dry month for Ole’ Ian. Mikey 17 had some fuck scenes, but they were PG-13 at best, and A Minecraft Movie (despite banning children under 18 from attending alone) had absolutely nothing that warranted a parental rating higher than NC-17. I still can't quite figure out what the hubbub was about. Something about kids screaming when Jack Black said, "Chicken Jockey?" Kids are stupid and scream at stupid things in movies; why does it call for a ban on kids seeing it? It's a silly kids' movie! The West has fallen.
Anyway, the drought during April got me a little disheartened, and I was worried I wouldn't have anything to submit to my new content outlet. But then the circle of friends that begrudgingly text me whenever they need an 11th wheel invited me to the David Lynch marathon at Hollywood Theater. Now, I'm aware that this Lynch fella is popular with hipsters and filmbros, and there was a show called Twin Towers or something, but I simply didn’t think there was any reason to watch any of his stuff. Plus, a lot of the females I know online are big fans of his. Obviously, filmmakers that females like are not going to have anything jerk-worthy in their films. They’ll probably avoid that oh-so-forbidden “male gaze.”
Boy, was I wrong!
Fellow theater masturbators! I was so wrong! Don't make the same mistake I did, and avoid David Lynch because he's not been labeled as problematic and has female fans. There is much, much, much boobage to be enjoyed!
Now, to be fair, not all of his stuff is jerk-worthy. Avoid Eraserhead,The Elephant Man,Dune, and The Straight Story. Talk about snorefests. Also, two of them are in black and white! No thank you!
But holy crap, the rest of it. I had no idea some arthouse director could be so fucking horny! Like not artsy tasteful nudity, just straight-up camera-on-boobs-look-how-hot-these-are horny!
Going through his filmography, we get some artsy duds before he really blossoms with Blue Velvet: full-on nudity and weird, horny sex scenes. Some of the dialogue is straight-up raunchy, too! Following up with Wild at Heart, boy howdy, does Lynch double down. Not just nudity and fuck scenes, but you also have a fucked-up-teeth-havin’ Willem Dafoe straight-up grabbing Laura Dern by the pussy! I looked around to see all the obnoxious film snobs stroking their chins and nodding like the pretentious assholes they are. I was in disbelief. These same idiots probably gasped and clutched their pearls when Trump said the same thing.
Now while that Twin Towers show is indeed horny, there's not a whole lot of real nudity since it's on network TV. Luckily, there are still some erotically charged moments. The movie, however—Fire Walk With Me—holy hell, what a boobfest! Nonstop boobs throughout the whole film. It makes me wish that the TV show existed in the era of prestige TV. There would've been a whole lot more boobs. Sadly, the sequel TV show, which was on Showtime, didn't have nearly the boobage I was expecting. But don’t worry, that movie delivers.
It seems after that (besides The Straight Story, which is about an old guy and a tractor, I think), Lynch is just on full throttle. Lost Highway and Mulholland Dr. are just loaded with tits, ass, fuck scenes, bush—pretty much everything but an erect dick. Inland Empire is a bit tamer (and confusing as all hell) but once again, boobs! This Lynch guy really liked boobs. Lynch knew boobs like Sean Baker knows butts.
I had a great time in the theater, and I definitely won’t be texted by that friend group in the future or ever again. No matter, it was an eye-opening experience for me. I used to think the only arty films that were properly wankable to were by European perverts in the ‘70s. I’m so glad that I know there’s a much deeper well to draw from (and wank to). Fellow bros who watch movies for the plot, expand your horizons. Just 'cause a filmmaker is universally beloved by females and neutered film snobs doesn't mean they don't have good, hot, graphic, super-jerkable scenes in them.
Maybe I'll finally check out this Stanley Kubrick guy I keep hearing so much about. I read somewhere that the last movie had a bunch of nudity in it. I'm much more open to giving it a try now that I know respected auteurs can be horny, too.
1 upside-down black and white eggplant for David Lynch
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor and comedian and is a certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
