This month, it was really tough trying to come up with something funny and music-related to write about for obvious reasons. Honestly, the only thing worth writing or even talking about is the unacceptable actions of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, also known as ICE. This dimestore Gestapo is not only giving America a bad name but the word "ice" in general. I'm seeing a lot of memes and hashtags saying things like "fuck ice" and "abolish ice," and while they are all warranted and valid, I think it's important that we not lose sight of the ice that has done good in our lives. The ice that not only we should not abolish but that we should celebrate.
In a seriously convoluted stretch, I will attempt to keep this column music-centered by listing four artists with ICE in their name that we most definitely should not abolish, as they are not committing what any civilized nation would easily consider crimes against humanity.
While many of you know this cat from his tenure on Law & Order: SVU and some of the more ancient readers may recall that he was actually a rapper in the '80s and '90s, yours truly was introduced to this New Jersey-born idol from the criminally underrated film, Tank Girl. Also, his inarguably awesome dabbling in rock music with the band Body Count. Unlike the federal agency, Ice-T does not (to my knowledge) go door to door inquiring about folk's immigration status based on nothing other than hunches and the color of said folk's skin. Do not abolish Ice-T, for he has only done good for this country. Also, that rock band I spoke of had a song called "Cop Killer," so clearly, this dude is on the right side of history.
The lyrical soul of N.W.A. and—IMHO—the reason for the group’s notable decline in popularity following his departure, this talented fellow rehabilitates the name of ice in more ways than one. Partially because he does not have literal quotas to kidnap and deport two thousand human beings a day, but also because he co-wrote the cinematic classic Friday when he was only 25! While we can argue about the merits of his later solo albums, no one denies that this artist solidified his legacy as an American icon and ideal Angelino with his first three records, all released within two years! Name a better debut three-album run than AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted, Death Certificate, and The Predator. Also, there’s no record of him separating parents from their children. No need to abolish this ice.
This rowdy group of young Danish punks may not be on your radar. That’s probably because not once, if ever, have they invaded your community to terrorize and kidnap your neighbors based on nothing more than anonymous tips. No police state atrocities from these brash, alcoholic Scandinavians. Just a remarkably unique sound that strings a shaky bridge between Black Flag and Joy Division. Their early work stays more comfortably within the punk ballpark, but as they've grown and progressed, their sound draws from influences as foreign to me as troll legends and those weird open-faced sandwiches they eat there. Smorrebrod or something? Either way, this noisy quartet has thus far incited no protests with their antics. Only a mosh pit or two. Here’s some ice that can definitely remain unabolished.
Now, before you email me with your objections, let’s really take stock of all the terrible things Vanilla Ice has done. When you chalk them up against the unprecedented human rights violations committed by ICE the agency, ICE the Vanilla isn’t all that bad. Sure, if we look at his early career, we can use words like “cultural appropriation,” “uncleared samples,” and “unnecessary cameos,” but readers, please hear me out. These are crimes against taste, not against the fabric of our nation. Say what you will about “Ice Ice Baby," but it was actually the first hip-hop single to top the Billboard Hot 100, thus opening the door for hip-hop to be recognized as a legitimate, money-making genre. It sucks that it took a white Texan to break that glass ceiling, but it was a different time. It's not like this dude is calling in the National Guard because he’s scared of two blocks of peaceful protesters. This dude was held over a balcony by Suge Knight’s goons to sign over the rights to “Ice Ice Baby” so that Death Row Records could be funded. See? Rather than take from the community, like the federal agency, he gives back to the community, even if it is under duress. Also, when was the last time you watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? I dare you not to crack a smile at his shoehorned-in cameo. Cringe as he may be, there is no reason to abolish Vanilla Ice. It's safe to say he still brings joy, unlike the other ICE, which only brings pain, sorrow, violence, and oppression.
